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Bishop...Sen. John McCain Father...Seth Meyers Secretary...Extra (OPEN ON STOCK SHOT OF A CHURCH, FADE IN TO BISHOP'S OFFICE) Bishop: Mrs. Davis, could you send in that new Father we hired? Secretary: Of Course (SECRETARY LETS PRIEST IN OFFICE) Bishop: Please sit down...(HE DOES) Now Father O'Hare, I understand that you are the newest shepard to the flock, and I also understand that you wanted to make a lasting impression on the people. Unfortunately, we have recieved nothing but complaints about your service last week and I thought I'd like to go over the indiscretions with you. I guess the most offending thing on this list, is that you drank a whole glass of Communion wine. Would you care to explain yourself Father? Father: Well Bishop Reily, it was my first time in front of a crowd of any kind. I was nervous, so I needed something to calm me down. Bishop: Well, that is a perfectly understandable excuse. But unfortunately, it's not the excues I want to hear. I'm about to read you the rest of the complaints that the people have made towards your service, and if you don't remember I'll give you a simple reminder. For starters, there were 10 commandments, not 12. There were 12 apostles, and not 10. Also, Jesus was Consecrated, not Constipated. (FATHER STARTING TO GET A SORRY LOOK ON HIS FACE.) Here's a favorite of mine, Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not--Pardon my saying--Bet his Ass. Another thing, we do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The Late J.C." The "Father, son and Holy Ghost" are not reffered to as "Daddy, Junior and 'The Spook.'" Any of this ringing a bell yet? (FATHER NODS IN SHAME) (BISHOP CONTINUES) Just wait, cause there's more. When David slew goliath, he did not "Kick the Crap out of him". Here's another good one, when David was hit by a rock and fell off his donkey, he was not "Stoned off his ass". We don't refer to the Holy ross as "The Big T". This next one probably got the most complaints, when Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body" He didn't say "Eat Me!" Father: Well, if he said "Eat it for it's my body", isn't that a long version of saying "Eat me"? Bishop: In a way, but that's not how the saying goes! Now let me continue, The Virgin Mary is not known as "Mary with the Cherry". Finally, the reccomended prayer before a meal isn't "Rub a dub-dub, thank's for the grub, Yea, God!" Now Father O'hare, We all tend to get nervous whenever we speak in front of a crowd, but a whole glass of alchohol, Communion Wine nonetheless, is overkill! If you ever need to keep calm before a service, please just take one sip of the wine, and not the whole Glass! Now, since you are new, I'm willing to give you another chance, but you have to watch what your doing. Father: Yes, Bishop Reily. I promise not to go overboard next service... (CUT TO A SHOT OF A CHURCH, SUPER: "THE FOLLOWING WEEK") Bishop: (PRAYING) Dear lord, please keep an eye on Father O'Hare for the sake of the flock...(LOOKING TOWARDS THE PULPIT/PODIUM) Oh, Dear God!!! (CUT TO A SHOT OF THE FATHER WITH A LAMPSHADE ON HIS HEAD AND A BUDWEISER IN HIS HAND.) Father: All right ladies and gentlemen, (ALA "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL") "Are you ready for Religion!!!!!!!!" Whoo-hoo! Alright, we're going to read about how God asked Abraham to kill his son Issac... with an AK-47! (MAKES GUN GESTURES) Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow! Ha, ha, ha... (GETTING SICK) Is it hot in here, or is it just me?...Oh god...Uhhhh...(COVERS HIS MOUTH AND RUNS OFF THE STAGE.) (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
