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Superman.....Sen. John McCain Parent.....Chris Parnell [ open on video loop of Superman in outer space, standing in front of a spinning planet Earth ] Announcer: And now, Marvel Comics presents: "Superman Talks To The Kids"! [ dissolve to roomful of kids sitting on the floor, as Superman lumbers into the scene ] Superman: Hey, kids, it's me.. [ holds arms to his sides, and sucks in his chest ] ..Superman! [ the kids cheer ] Superman: Now, kids, I suppose you're wondering why I'm here today. What do you think I came here to talk to you about today? Little Girl: Sex? Superman: [ laughs ] No, not sex. Little Boy: Drugs? Superman: No, no. But you're close. What's next in the trifecta? Anyone? No? Well, of course, I want to talk to you today about Rock 'N Roll. Who's hip to the music scene? Anyone? [ all the kids raise their hands ] Yeah, you know all the bands, right? You go to all the concerts, you clip their pictures out of Rolling Stone Magazine and tape their posters to your walls, am I right? Of course, I'm right - you're kids! Music's an important part of your lives. Well, Superman loves music, too. But he likes music about other people. Songs about unrequited love, and growing up, and, sometimes, songs about life during wartime. Cool stuff, right? But Superman doesn't like songs that call attention to himself. You know what I'm talking about. Like when Dave Matthews sings "I am no Superman / I have no reasons for you / I am no hero, oh that's for sure." Sounds a little slanderous, don'tcha think? Or how about Five For Fighting, with their lyrics: "I'm only a man in a silly red sheet / Digging for kryptonite on this one way street." Really, I should sue them all for defamation! And then there's that 3 Doors Down song that calls itself "Kryptonite", even though it only uses the word three times in the song. I've broken more stereos after hearing that song - my insurance company finally put a clause in my policy stipulating they would no longer replace any electronic equipment I might ever decide to own or destroy. Now, some rock and roll enthusiasts might suggest this trend of songs related to me started with the 1992 Spin Doctors album Pocketful of Kryptonite.. but, believe me, it's goes way past that. This actually started in the sixties, when Donovan sang "Sunshine Superman". You kids know who Donovan is, don't you? [ kids shake heads no ] No? Why not? Oh, right.. you're kids. Well, the sixties were a long time ago.. but, surely, you've heard another song of Mr. Donovan's - "Mellow Yellow", a song about electrical bananas and other vibrating devices. [ kids stare wide-eyed in horror ] No? Oh. Well, maybe you're more familiar with his daughter, actress Ione Skye. [ kids don't bat an eye ] No? She was in "Say Anything" with John Cusack, back in the mid-eighties. [ kids stare blankly ] No, you've never heard of it? Well, when the hell were you kids born?! You don't know anything! Good God oh mighty, you probably know all the names of the Backstreet Boys, and can arrange them in order by age, weight and height! But you don't know your 60's folk-rock?! I know I spend a lot of time in my Fortress of Solitide, but at least I have an antenna out back so I can find out what's going on in the world! What the hell excuses do you kids have for being so damn stupid?! Parent: [ rushes into scene ] Hey, hey! Supe! Please don't call our children "stupid", alright? Superman: Well, what word would you choose? "Morons"? What else do you call a group of people that never heard of Donovan? Parent: How about.. "Children"! Superman: No, that's not it. We're all children - Children of the Sixties! Parent: Not these children! These are children of the.. the.. well, whatever you call this first decade of the 21st Century. Superman: You call it Children of the Decade of Dummies! Parent: Alright, Superman, that's it. You have to leave. Superman: What do you mean I have to leave?! I'm the one who called this meeting! Parent: And I'm the one who's calling it off. Kids, who wants to go for ice cream? [ kids get excited and rush out of the scene ] Superman: Alright, fine! [ a beat ] Hey.. wait a minute, pal.. you remember Donovan, don't you? Parent: Of course. Superman: And Pink Floyd and The Beatles? "Smoke On The Water" and "White Room"? Parent: Yes. Superman: And what do you let your kids listen to? Parent: Well, actually, I don't dictate what music they can or can't listen to. But they seem to enjoy the likes of Britney, Avril and Christina. Superman: [ angry ] And do you also let them eat cookies instead of vegetables? You're an unfit parent who needs some sense knocked into him before it's too late! [ delivers two swift punches to Parent's face ] Parent: [ covering his bloodied face ] Hey! You can't go around punching people! You're supposed to be Superman! I'm gonna get you for this! I'm calling the police! Superman: You don't stand a chance, moron! In the words of The Dave Clark Five: "Catch me if you can!" [ Superman jumps out of camera's view to fly off into the sky ] [ cue "Superman Theme" over video loop of Superman flying through the sky ] Announcer: Superman. Defender of truth, freedom, justice.. and psychadelic rock! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
