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Quelude Delgado.....Horatio Sanz Lester Clack.....Chris Parnell Ameilia Delgado.....Maya Rudolph Simone Clack.....Amy Poehler Aristotle Clack.....Chris Kattan Arlene (Coat Rack).....Rachel Dratch The skit opens with the Clacks arriving at the Delgados' house. Quelude: (Shouting toward the kitchen) How's it coming in their, hon'? Ameilia: (Shouting back) Just about done. Are they here yet? (Quelude gets up from the couch, puts down his copy of Modern Taxidermist, and peeks through the window.) Quelude: Yeah, they're walking over right now. (Ameilia hurries out of the kitchen, taking off her apron in the process. She has a glass of wine in her hand. Quelude opens the door, as the Clacks walk up the driveway.) Ameilia: Oh, I'm nervous. I hope they like the lemon chicken. Quelude: You know they will. We'll have a great time. (He kisses her on the top of the head.) (The Clacks slowly get out of the car. Simone carries a CorningWare dish in her hands. Lester waves hello. They greet each other on the stairway.) Quelude: (Big smile) We were wondering if you were ever coming! Lester: (Smiling back) I'm sorry. We would have been here sooner but old Arie couldn't find his shoes. Arie: Dad! Quelude: Oh, that's all right. So you must be Arie! Your father's told me so much about you. And Simone! So glad to see you again. Simone: It's good to see you, too! Ameilia, how have you been? Ameilia: Great! Great. How's the new place? Simone: It's a slow process. But, you know, we're getting comfortable. I got Lester doing all kinds of stuff around the house. Lester: Just call me "Mister Fix-it!" (They exchange artificial laughter. There's a slight moment of awkward silence.) Quelude: Well come on in, come on in, everybody. (They enter Quelude's house) Here, can I take anyone's coat? Lester: Sure. Here, Arie, give me your coat. Ameilia: Let me take that casserole from you, Simone. (Simone hands it to her, Ameilia smells it) Mmmm. It smells delicious! Simone: (Giving her coat to Quelude) It's a green-bean dish. Arie here loves it. (Arie gives his mother a disgusted looks. Quelude takes the coats from the Clacks and begins to hang them on the standing coat rack that was initially obstructed by the open door. The coat rack is actually a standing mount of an old woman. The Clacks, not looking where Quelude has put their coats, go and sit on the couch.) Simone: What a wonderful home you two have! Isn't this nice, Arie? (For the first time, Lester turns around and gets a look at the coat rack.) Lester: JESUS CHRIST! Quelude: What! What's wrong?! Lester: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Quelude: It's our coat rack. Lester: IT"S A DEAD BODY! (Arie begins to cry. He throws up in his mother's lap. She puts her arm around Arie and turns away.) Ameilia: Oh, Oh! Let me get a rag! (She hurries off into the kitchen) Quelude: Please stop shouting Lester. It's a coat rack. I'm a taxidermist. I made a coat rack out of my mother. She passed away last October. (Arie keeps crying.) Lester: JESUS CHRIST! JESUS CHRIST! HOLY JESUS! Quelude: LESTER, STOP SHOUTING! (Yells toward Ameilia in the kitchen) Honey, you might want to bring a couple rags. It looks like little Arie's got an upset stomach. (Arie keeps his head in his mother's lap. Ameilia hurries out of the kitchen and gives Simone the rags. She begins cleaning up the mess in her lap and on her son's face.) Simone: (Trying desperately to be natural) Oh, it'll be all right Arie. Yes, I've ... I've heard of this. I've heard some people do this when their loved ones ... pass away. Lester: LIKE WHO? JEFFREY DAHMER? Quelude: (angry) Are you comparing me to Jeffrey Dahmer, Lester? Are you calling me Jeffrey Dahmer in my own home? (Stares at Lester angrily) Lester: I'm just saying ... (Deep breath) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (Lester takes a long look at the coat rack.) Lester: I'm sorry. I over-reacted. But it's just so ... I don't know ... creepy. Simone: LESTER! Lester: I said I was sorry. Quelude: (calmer than before) When my mother died, Lester, we wanted to keep her a part of our lives. With the line of work I'm in, I realized I could make that happen. Lester: But Jesus, Quelude! It's a lot different than stuffing a fox or a salmon or something. Quelude: You'd be surprised, Lester. It doesn't take that much longer than most large mammals. Ameilia: Yeah, didn't he do a great job?! (Lifts her glass of wine toward the coat rack) Looking good Arlene! (Laughs) Quelude: It's a series of getting rid of the internal organs, tanning the hide, or in Mom's case, skin ... Ameilia: She always had such soft skin when she was alive ... Quelude: (Gets up an walks over to the coat rack) And contorting her in a usable mount. As you can see, I raised both of her arms, so that we can hang both of our coats on them. Lester: Hmmm. (Arie keeps crying.) Ameilia: We actually thought of getting a couple more arms from other relatives and sewing them on ... you know, one coming from her chest, a couple more from her sides. Then we could have hung more coats, you know? Quelude: But we didn't really think it would be a good representation of Mom. Ameilia: Yeah, she really only had two arms. (Pause. They all stare at the coat rack) I think Quelude did a great job with her. Arie, come here and touch her arm. It feels so soft! (Arie buries his head in his mother's lap and cries harder. Simone strokes the top of his head and smiles pleasantly at Amelia.) Simone: I think he'll pass on that. Lester: (Still incredulous) So you just thought this would be a good idea? Don't you get any weird reactions from people? I mean, isn't this illegal? Quelude: It's my mother, Lester. I felt this was a special way to pay tribute to her. Ameilia: Arlene just loved coats. (Pause) Oh, and about before, actually, Dahmer didn't make furniture out of his dead. He just ate them. (Pause) We don't do that. (Long pause. The Clacks, as well as Quelude, stare at Ameilia incredulously. Ameilia meets their stares and looks at her hands. An uncomfortable silence has hushed the room.) Ameilia: Well I should really check on that chicken. Simone: Quelude, do you mind if I use the bathroom to clean myself up a little here? Quelude: Not at all, walk through the dining room, and it's the first door on the right. (He points to the dining room, not seen on stage.) (Pause as Simone walks away. Lester tries to make small chat.) Lester: So you mother really liked coats, huh? Quelude: Oh, she loved them. She was always wearing them. Especially when it got cold. (Another slight pause before you hear Simone's loud scream from off the set.) Lester: (Getting up from his seat) What is it, honey? (Simone comes barreling through the living room. Her dress has not been cleaned. She buries her face in Lester's chest.) Simone: I just saw the centerpiece. It was a ... a dead baby! Quelude: Oh, you must mean Clancy. He was our only child. (Simone continues to cry into Lester's chest. Arie hugs his father's waist. The scene ends) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
