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Dr. Rothcheck.....Will Forte
[ open on man standing in front of an open van; he is shirtless, with a stethoscope around his neck, and holds a martini in his hand ] Dr. Rothcheck: Good evening. My name is Dr. Rothcheck. Speaking of check, it's starting to get colder in the tri-state area, and you know what that means. It's time to have yourself checked for breast cancer - especially if you're a woman, and, most importantly, if you're single. You heard me right - the best way to play it safe with breast cancer is to have it checked early.. and, if you're single, you should see me immediately. Even if you're married, that's okay; I'll still examine your breasts for cancer. As a doctor who works out of my van, I know the importance of early detection, and, if you have something wrong with your breast, I'm gonna find out about it. Let me assure you, firstly, that breast cancer is not cancer at all, but, rather, a deadly poison that can traumatize your body. Because breast cancer spreads like poison, the most effective way for me to remove that poison is to suck it out orally through your nipples - one at a time, slowly. That's where I can help. I mean, come on, you can't suck it out yourself, right, unless you're, like, some sort of circus contorntionist, right? Let me do it for you - I know what I'm doing! I'm a doctor with a van. And, hey, for an optional fee, I can also examine men for breast cancer. That's right, even if you're a man, you're prone to catching breast cancer disease, usually through sexual contact, but even, in some rare cases, by staring too hard at a woman's breasts. Remember: protection is key, so always wear a pair of infra-red googles when ogling those breasts. [ places goggles over his eyes ] And, what the heck - bring the kids in, too! It's never too early to safeguard your entire family against breast cancer, and your kids will love to get their hands on a free special-flavored lollipop to suck on. I also specialize in cleansing of the vagina, using a time-honored method perfected by stray cats in the area where I park my van at night. Now, I'm out here every day, driving my van around. You've seen me. My interior van walls are adorned with my medical diploma, plus numerous copies I made at Kinko's one afternoon when I had time to kill. [ shifting eyes nervously, looking off-screen ] Remember: you have breasts, and I want to look at them.. to check for breast cancer and.. and lumps.. [ eyes keep shifting nervously off-screen ] ..or possible bacteria.. anything under your flesh that doesn't belong there.. I'm a doctor! [ Dr. Rothcheck quickly runs off-screen, as a policeman waving a billyclub dashes across the screen ] Voiceover: Visit Dr. Rothcheck for your daily breast exam at his new office, at Cell Block C in the state penitentiary. Please call Dr. Rothcheck's parole officer to make an appointment. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
