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John Lawrence ... Eric McCormick Kenny the Cameraman ... Jimmie Fallon Farmer Clem ... Darrell Hammond Farm Daughter ... Rachel Dratch Migrant Worker ... Horatio Sanz Boner the Mechanic ... Chris Parnell White Trash Jailbait ... Maya Rudolph Pregnant Town Slut ... Amy Poehler Bobcat ... Seth Meyers Newscaster Vince McGee ... Will Forte [open with shot of a newscast.] Voiceover: And now, Action Five News, from Los Angeles. With Vince McGee, and Terri Wilson. Newscaster: [sitting behind a desk] Hello, welcome to 5:00 Action News. Today's breaking news... [A graphic of a fireball appears behind him] Tragedy strikes a small Arkansas town, as a fireball smashes to Earth and kills dozens of people. Hundreds are left homeless, and authorities are unable to explain the cause of the fireball. More on this story as news develops. Terri? [He turns to his co-anchor.] [We cut to a field in rural Arkansas. A field reporter, John Lawrence, stands holding an Action Five microphone. He is talking to his cameraman.] John Lawrence: Okay, we're supposed to walk around and get some interviews. Some eyewitness accounts for the nighttime news. Cameraman: [looking around] This place is creepy, man. Hillbilly town. John Lawrence: We'll be out of here before you know it. We just need the phrase that pays, then we can get back on the plane. You know the phrase that pays, don't you? Cameraman: Of course. "We didn't think it could happen here." John Lawrence: There ya go. Ok, start rolling, Let me grab some of these yokels, see if I can get them to say it. [He approaches a farmer, who is standing with his daughter. They both wear very ragged clothes. She huddles behind him, very timidly.] John Lawrence: Excuse me, sir. Were you witness to the fireball explosion here today? Farmer Clem: Witness? Hell, it hit mah barn! I saw the whole durn thing! John Lawrence: Can you tell us what happened? What the fireball looked like? Farmer Clem: Well, I dunno. I reckon it was like one of them thar UFO ma-jiggies. Like a big flaming horse pie come flyin' outta nowhere, purt'near hit the pig pen. John Lawrence: And what is the mood like, here in town? Are people shocked? Scared? Farmer Clem: Well, hell, what do you think? What kind of dumb-ass question is that, boy? Christ, people aint seen nothing like that before, do they got fireballs out where you live? John Lawrence: Is this something you would expect to find, way out here in the country? Is this normally a quiet community? Has the tranquility been shattered? Farmer Clem: Hell, I don't know all them city words, boy. Just ask yer questions, I got chores to do. John Lawrence: Would you say this is something you wouldn't expect to happen out here? Farmer Clem: [after thinking about it] Nah, I wouldn't say that. John Lawrence: [a little caught off guard] So you... wait... you believed it would happen here? Farmer Clem: Well, here's as good a place as any, I guess. If a fireball's gonna come crashin' to Earth, might as well be in God's country, ya know? [Some chickens cluck in the background] Aw, c'mon Elsie Sue, let's go tend to ol' Cletus. He's probably got a butt full of eggs about now. [The farmer and his daughter leave. John turns to his cameraman.] John Lawrence: I can't believe it, what an idiot. Hey hillbilly, just SAY THE FREAKING PHRASE. I was putting the words in his mouth, all he had to do was repeat it. "No, we didn't think this could happen here." Is it that hard? [A migrant worker walks by. He is Mexican and carries a bushel of crops.] John Lawrence: Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word with you? Excuse me? [the man keeps walking] Hello, senor? [The man stops. John puts the microphone in his face] John Lawrence: Sir, were you here today to see the giant fireball? [The migrant's eyes get real wide, and he looks to the sky. He starts muttering in Spanish, very nervously. He gesticulates very wildly with his hands.] John Lawrence: Sir, I'm sorry. Do you speak any English? [The worker keeps rambling and pointing. He makes an exploding gesture with his hands. He is clearly terrified.] John Lawrence: [struggling to ask in Spanish] Excuse me... esta... ah... ?diria usted que cosas... asi no pasan aqui? [The migrant worker screams, clutches his hair, drops his bushel and runs off screen. We hear a crash as he races through the wall of a barn.] John Lawrence: Great. The farmer isn't surprised that it happened here, and the Mexican guy ran through a barn. That's just great. [A guy in a wife-beater and a greasy green hat comes up to the camera. He looks at it, confused.] John Lawrence: Excuse me, sir. John Lawrence, Action Five news. I'm just here reporting on the fireball that fell to Earth. Do you live here? Boner: [he has a speech impediment] Yuh- yuh- yuh, Yes sir, I reckon I do. My nuh- nuh- name's Boner. I fix cars and whatnot. [looking at the camera closely] Is this suh-suh- some sort of a death ray? John Lawrence: Now, Mr. Boner, were you surprised at all to see a fireball crash into your town? Boner: Nuh-nuh-nuh- no. Not really. That stuff just seems to huh-huh-huh happen. John Lawrence: You didn't find it at all strange, or frightening? Boner: I'm a -scared of your duh- duh- duh death ray. But the fireball was pretty cool too. [He starts to back away from the camera] Please don't shoot me. I figure I should be goin' now, buh- buh- buh bye. [He walks away, nervously.] John Lawrence: Great! Can someone around here just answer the question?! Is ANYONE here shocked that it happened here? [yelling] ANYONE?? Cameraman: [chuckling] You're gonna be the laughingstock of the news community if you can't get them to say it. John Lawrence: [angry] I know. I KNOW! Don't remind me. Hold on, let's talk to this white trash girl. [He walks up to a girl in a skimpy tank top, really short jean shorts, and her hair done up. She is smoking a cigarette. She looks like a skank.] John Lawrence: Excuse me, ma'am. Did you witness the fireball this afternoon? White Trash Jailbait: Are you from COPS? John Lawrence: No, ma'am. Action Five news. Now, was this fireball something that you thought you would ever see? White Trash Jailbait: Sure, I guess. Hey, if you aren't from COPS, I'll let you do me. You look cute. John Lawrence: [chuckling nervously] Maybe later. Can I talk to you first? White Trash Jailbait: You better not be a cop. John Lawrence: Has the tranquility been shattered? Will life here ever be the same again? White Trash Jailbait: Sure, I guess. What's "tranquility" mean? John Lawrence: [struggling to try and put words in her mouth.] So, in your words, did you feel like you were safe here? Like this would never happen in such a small town? White Trash Jailbait: [tugging at his jacket and pouting] C'mon, I'm bored. Let's go behind the barn. I'll be real nice to you. John Lawrence: [fed up] Ok, forget it. Just forget it! That's it! I've had it with this pigsty! Let's go. [He looks around, but the cameraman is gone.] Kenny? Kenny? [He sees the cameraman's feet sticking out from behind the a. They are entwined with the legs of the jailbait girl. He hears giggling from the two.] John Lawrence: [throwing his hands in the air] Great! I'm stuck here while my cameraman gets off with the town slut. Pregnant Town Slut: [walking by] Excuse me? John Lawrence: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my friend. Pregnant Town Slut: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said my name. Bobcat: [walking up] Hey you stay away from my girl! Trixie here is the town slut, you know, but she's all mine. [The two of them make out sloppily, ending up on the ground.] She's my girl. Pregnant Town Slut: [after awkwardly standing up] Yeah, Amber over there isn't the town slut anymore. She just wishes she was. [She screams at the two behind the barn.] YOU HEAR THAT, BITCH? YOU AINT GOT NOTHIN' LIKE WHAT I GOT! GUYS WANT THE STUFF THAT I GIVE THEM! Bobcat: [suddenly serious] Can you give it ME? I want it, baby. I want it right now. I need some of your sloppy lovin'. [The two of them embrace and fall to the ground again, dry-humping each other.] John Lawrence: Uh... okaaaaay. [Looking around] Well, did the two of you happen to see the fireball? [They ignore him, still going at it.] John Lawrence: [wincing] C'mon man, we're on a public street, and she's pregnant. Shouldn't you two stop that? [The two of them disentangle and stand up.] Pregnant Town Slut: Yeah, my doctor says we should lay off. It sucks being pregnant. I can't get any sausage. Bobcat: Yeah, we was being safe too. I was pulling out and everything. We never thought it could happen. John Lawrence: [doing a double take] Wait... what did you say? Bobcat: I said I was pulling out. John Lawrence: [excitedly] Aw, forget it, you were close enough. Kenny, we can splice it together. He said it! He said it! "We never thought it could happen." We can just digitally add the "here." Let's get out of here. [He looks around. Kenny still lays behind the barn, with the jailbait girl. He sees the camera lying on the ground, turned off. Nothing was caught on camera.] John Lawrence: DAMNIT!! KENNY, GET UP HERE! [He grabs Kenny and yanks him to his feet.] John Lawrence: Look, I'm gonna go interview that guy walking the mongoose. You get that camera ready and let's finish this. We need that quote, damnit! They won't let us come back without it. White Trash Jailbait: [still laying on her back] Hey, come back here. I said I was over 14! [At that moment, a great shadow appears from above. John and the cameraman look up, and are suddenly enveloped by a huge fireball. A second fireball has hit the town. They are both incinerated.] [Farmer Clem, Boner the Mechanic and the Migrant Worker walk over to stare at the crater where it hit, and the two charred corpses.] Boner: Wuh- wuh- wuh- wow. Those guys got muh- muh- muh melted. Migrant Worker: [nodding, wide-eyed] Si. Boner: Duh- duh- duh- did you guys ever think you'd suh- suh- suh see that? Farmer Clem: Yeah, pretty much. I figger I saw that second fireball coming for the last twenty minutes or so. Migrant Worker: [nodding] Si. Boner: Muh- muh- maybe they should have shot it with their duh- duh- duh- death ray. Farmer Clem: Yeah, that I wouldn't have figgered to see. That would have been something new. Boner: That would have been suh- suh- suh sweet. Migrant Worker: [smiling, nodding] Si. [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
