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Old Woman.....Maya Rudolph Announcer.....Eric McCormack [We open with a medium-close frame of an old woman, smiling and sitting at a park picnic bench.] Announcer: [all lines in voice over] It's probably happened to someone we know, maybe someone we love. [The woman catches a frisbee from someone off-screen, laughs joyfully, then flings the frisbee back.] Announcer: A lovely picnic, in our favorite park, and yet somehow... [The woman looks startled and snaps her mouth shut.] Announcer: ...a pesky fly has darted down the gullet of an elderly relative or family friend. [The woman tries to cough the fly out, but to no avail] Announcer: When this happens, don't panic. Reach for a new medication: Arachnitocen. [A blister pack of tablets falls into the woman's hands. The package is black, with each tablet's blister marked by a red hourglass logo.] Announcer: One little tablet spins a web of chemicals blended specifically to stop swallowed-fly-related ailments. That's Arachnitocen, new from GooseCorp. Old Woman: [relieved] Well alright then. That takes care of that. Announcer: Note that Arachnitocen has mild side effects, such as headaches and acute abdominal disturbance, often experienced as wriggling, jiggling and/or wiggling. Old Woman: [disturbed] Goodness, me. Announcer: For many clients, Arachnitocen usually does the trick. But some folks need further relief. That's a good time to pull out Birdoloze. [This time a bottle of capsules drops into the woman's left hand, as she's holding the Arachnitocen pack in her right. She sets the two medicines side by side on the picnic table.] Announcer: This pill will fly down your esophagus and get right to work on catching the Arachnitocen in your system. Old Woman: [guardedly optimistic] Well, good. I should hope so. Announcer: Birdoloze's side effects include vertigo, discoloration of urine or stool, and brief blackouts. Do not use Birdoloze if operating any conveyance, including skateboards, hang gliders and "nitro-burning funny cars." Old Woman: [disturbed again, and annoyed] Nitro-what? Am I meant to know what those are? Announcer: We realize that many seniors' pill regimens can stress out their fragile immune systems - not to mention their pocket books. That's why we offer clients who take both Arachnitocen and Birdoloze a 50 percent on Felinax prescriptions. [A paper envelope containing Felinax powder drops into the woman's hands.] We formulated Felinax so you can stir into your favorite drink, to ease its absorption through your bloodstream. Old Woman: But how do any of those react with the medicine I already take? I'm on Vioxx, anti-coagulants and a lid of Acapulco Gold each month. My nephew signed off on that, he's a doctor in San Luis Obispo. Announcer: We can't calculate those interactions right now. But Felinax has been known to cause intense vomiting, jaundice and occasional incontinence. A fraction of Felinax users reported their eyes' pupils distending, sometimes elongating into thin vertical slits. Old Woman: [more annoyed] Sonny, y'all should give the people these warnings right up front. I appreciate the discount on that one, but I want to know how much of this will get charged to my co-payments. Announcer: Of course, solving complex medical conditions is often like baking your cousin Lydia's chocolate cake. Old Woman: Excuse me? How come you know Lydia, she hasn't made the reunion since 19 and 95. Announcer: You may already have the sugar [superimposed along the bottom: a tablet of Arachnitocen], the flour [a Birdoloze pill] and the cocoa powder [an envelope of Felinax], but it still needs another ingredient. Something to hold it all together. Cousin Lydia would say "eggs," and at GooseCorp, our eggs are called Kaniinucid. [An asthma-style inhaler drops into the woman's hand.] Think of this as elderly men's and women's best friend. Old Woman: Best friend, right right right. And what does this inhaler do to me? Announcer: Oh girl, you better sit down for this. Kaniinucid's full side effects have not been explored comprehensively, but may include cascade reactions with other medications. Some users may experience uncontrolled salivation when hearing common auditory stimuli. Old Woman: Cascade reactions? Baby Jesus, help me. Y'all giving me a headache, and not just from the pills. Announcer: But of course, what's your cousin Lydia's chocolate cake without some nice frosting? Or our version of it, called Billeenanni-9. [Another blister pack drops] Let's face it, you've come this far -- what's one more med? You ARE going to beat your swallowed-fly-related ailment… and we'll show you that our products will help you beat it. [Woman stacks the new medication with the others, then uses her hands to brace herself and push up from the picnic table] Announcer: GooseCorp is seeking approval for Billeenanni-9 by the FDA and the health ministries of 187 nations. It's already available for purchase in Uruguay, Latvia and Iraq. Old Woman: No, sir. No thank you, no sir. That's not the one for me. I'm fixing to go call my doctor about this. Announcer: Hey, you baked the cake, you layered on the frosting. But you need some rainbow sprinkles, don't you? And we have the best, most powerful pharmaceutical sprinkles on the market: Equestriamite. Your "quest" for medical relief is over, with one little pill. Equestriamite. Old Woman: [to relative off-screen] Sissy, get me a cell phone. I need to makes a call. [Woman walks off-screen.] Announcer: WARNING, use of Equestriamite has proven fatal in lab-animal tests. Be advised that breaking the safety seal of any container of Equestriamite absolves GooseCorp of all liability claims in state or federal court. If you are unsure whether to take Equestriamite, please consult your family doctor, an attorney, and maybe a certified estate planner. [fade to black] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
