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Marla Thomas.....Rachel Dratch Police Chief Charle Moose.....Dean Edwards Marla Thomas: Good afternoon. I'm Marla Thomas, and welcome back to "Conflict Of Issues". On our last show, we started to talk about tax breaks for the rich, but we ended up talking about the new Dustin Hoffman movie instead. Which reminds me, Dustin Hoffman was also in this great thriller from 1976 called "Marathon Man", you really should see it. Not as great as "The Graduate", of course, but, uh.. did I mention I saw Katherine Ross at Sak's Fifth Avenue last week? She's really getting old! I didn't say anything, or anything, I.. no, she wasn't in "Say Anything", but she did do "Butch Cassidy". I didn't approach her, I'm not that kind of fan. She's not really that big a celebrity, anyway. [ Marla takes a deep breath ] Marla Thomas: Well, back to my first point - we have another thought-provoking show in store today. Here to tell us all about his recent capture of the D.C. Sniper, is Police Chief Charles Moose. Police Chief Charles Moose: Thank you, Marla. It's a pleasure to be here this afternoon. Marla Thomas: And it's certainly a plesure to have you here. Now, Chief Moose, you spearheaded the operation to capture the sniper. Police Chief Charles Moose: Yes, I followed the case very closely, and left no clue unturned. Marla Thomas: Right. Now, have people ever made fun of you because of your name? I was fat in Junior High, and the other kids used to call me "Moose", and I'd always run home after school in cry. Has that ever happened to you? Police Chief Charles Moose: Well, I will admit it was a little rough growing up with dark skin and "Moose" for a last name, being taunted by the other kids with shouts of, "There ain't supposed to be no brown moose in Lexington!" I suppose I could go back and have them all executed now if I wanted to, but I'm over it. Marla Thomas: I finally started a fitness regime and power diet my Senior year in college. It turned out all I needed to do was limit my carb intake. If only I'd known sooner. Now, you were quoted as saying, "We have caught the sniper like a duck in a noose." What does that mean? Police Chief Charles Moose: That was something the sniper wanted us to say after we captured him. He was trying to make an analogy, based on an old Indian proverb about a rabbit who tried to capture a duck by throwing a rope over his head. The duck simply flew away, dragging the rabbit into the air with him. We know it in more common terms as the Hunter becoming the Hunted. Marla Thomas: Have you ever seen a duck in a noose? Police Chief Charles Moose: Of course not. Marla Thomas: Would you like to? Police Chief Charles Moose: Not particularly, no. Marla Thomas: Um.. I had a pet rabbit when I was 4 years old. Police Chief Charles Moose: That's nice. Marla Thomas: did you have any pets when you were a child? Police Chief Charles Moose: No, I didn't. Marla Thomas: One of our production assistants is giving away free kittens. I'm sure she could hold one for you if you're interested. Police Chief Charles Moose: I would have no interest in owning a free kitten. Marla Thomas: You're not allergic, are you? I'm allergic to strawberries. If I go anywhere near one, I break out in hives and look like I'm in Junior High all over again. I'm deathly afraid of the strawberry. Police Chief Charles Moose: I have no allergies, Marla, and I am not afraid of anything. That's how I was able to capture the sniper. Marla Thomas: Oh, right. The sniper. Let's talk about him. Now, was this the most difficult sniper you've ever captured? Police Chief Charles Moose: Well, I don't have a previous history with snipers, Marla. Marla Thomas: Compared to other snipers, how do you think your sniper stacks up? Police Chief Charles Moose: Well.. I don't have a prior history with other snipers. I only have my sniper. Marla Thomas: I think the scariest sniper of all time was Scorpio. Police Chief Charles Moose: [ piqued ] Scorpio? Marla Thomas: The sniper from the movie "Dirty Harry". He shot the one girl while she was swimming in a rooftop hotel pool, then buried another girl alive. And, after he hijacked the schoolbus with the kids in it, I was really counting on Detective Callahan to catch him. Police Chief Charles Moose: Well, Marla, what you have to understand is that that was a movie. It was fiction. It's based, somewhat, on realistic situations, but ultimately exists only in the imagination. Marla Thomas: No, it's not my imagination, Chief Moose. I have it on DVD; I've seen it over twenty times. Police Chief Charles Moose: Well.. well.. [ thinking ] Yes.. the movie is real.. but the story is not. It's not based on actual events. Marla Thomas: I think you're just jealous. Police Chief Charles Moose: Why would I be jealous of a movie, Marla? Marla Thomas: Because real life is never as exciting as the movies. I mean, look at a dramatic finale like in "Dirty Harry", with the confusion over how many bullets were shot, and the sniper's dead body left floating in the bay. How did your case end? Two guys asleep at a rest stop. TV viewers didn't even get the satisfaction of a wild stand-off. Even Bonnie & clyde went down in more of a flurry of excitement. Police Chief Charles Moose: Marla, I think you're missing the point. Because of my heroic efforts, two dangerous men were arrested before they could strike further, killing more unsuspecting citizens in this great land of ours. Marla Thomas: [ snotty ] Geez, you certainly are conceited, aren't you? You caught two guys while they were asleep; what the hell do you want for it, a medal? Police Chief Charles Moose: I am not seeking a medal. I'm just recognizing myself for a job well done. Marla Thomas: Okay, we'll leave that for the historians to decide. In the meantime, I've got a plane to catch, so we'll see you next time on "Confict Of Issues." Good night. [ Marla jumps up from her chair and runs off the set ] [ title card, slow fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
