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Man #1.....Chris Parnell Woman #1.....Amy Poehler Man #2.....Tracy Morgan Woman #2.....Rachel Dratch Woman #3.....Maya Rudolph Man #1: [ lifts sleeve to reveal patch on upper arm ] I use the Nicotine Patch - because I want to quit smoking. [ cut to Woman #1 ] Woman #1: [ lifts shirt to reveal patch on stomach mid-section ] I use the Birth Control Patch - because I don't want to have a lot of nasty babies cramping my lifestyle. [ cut to Man #2 ] Man #2: [ reveals patch on bottom of wrist ] I use the Internet Patch - to keep me off the computer, and away from those addictive porn sites. [ cut to Woman #2 ] Woman #2: [ shown with patch over her mouth, as she mumbles ] Thanks to the Overeating Patch.. I've learned to control my diet.. and to live a healthier.. happier.. life.. Food is not a necessity.. [ cut back to Man #2 ] Man #2: Another patch I'm using right now is the Homo Patch. [ points to patch on his leg ] I ain't addicted to gay men or nothin' - I just want to keep them away from me! Gah! [ throws up his arms like a shield ] [ cut to Woman #3 ] Woman #3: [ dark patch on the front of her nose ] I use the Chocolate Patch - to crave my addiction to chocolate, so I won't break out just before an important date. [ lifts sleeve to reveal second patch ] And I use the standard Nicotine Patch, too, in case I even get a craving for a chocolate cigar. Better safe than sorry. [ cut to Man #2 once again ] Man #2: And I have one more patch, that I can't even show you, because it's on my weinie. I have a serious problem whacking off to my dirty magazines, which the patch might not be able to cure me of because it makes my weinie itch, and it's all I can do to keep from scratching at it! But I wish I had a patch to keep my wife off my ass! I ain't down with that! [ show display of Patch products across countertop ] Announcer: The Patch product line. How have we helped you today? Voiceover: Warning: Avoid prolonged exposure to the sun while using Patch products. May cause diarrhea. Use with extreme caution. Voice of Man #2: And don't forget the patch I have on the bottom of my feet - to keep me from kicking some white man ass! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
