|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Tommy Schwabby.....Dean Edwards .....Chris Kattan .....Eric McCormack Matthew Broderick.....Fred Armisen (Fade in) Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. Former Vice President Walter Mondale has been asked to take the seat of the late Senator Paul Wellstone as Democrats scramble to replace the fallen senator on the November 5th ballot. Walter Mondale would be filling “popular shoes” for the upcoming election. That is the first time that the words Walter Mondale and popular have been used in the same sentence, ever! Jimmy Fallon: In a recent study, the snow on Kilimanjaro is melting. We here at Weekend Update believe that this just a phase, Kilimanjaro is just acting like Louie Anderson on a stair-master. Tina Fey: It is reported that Rosie O’Donnell’s magazine “Rosie” will cease publication. Cease, that is a word that'll be working with Rosie O’Donnell a lot in the near future, like this for example, Rosie O’Donnell’s career will cease to exist! A 16-year-old Missouri girl died this week after she was on a high-protein, low-carbohydrate diet. Well of course, no one can live off of just peanut butter, unless you are from Afghanistan. Jimmy Fallon: A man was stabbed and later died, at a Nelly concert. A hospital official said that it was getting hot in there, so they all took off all their clothes. Oh, I’m sorry, that was from a nudist colony story. MTV’s new movie “Jackass” is topping the box office. The last time a jackass topped the box office, was back when Jim Carrey was still talking out of his ass! Tina Fey: In a study this week, scientist have determined that the size of a man’s index finger can determined the size of that man’s penis. Jimmy, let me see your index finger? Jimmy Fallon: No, get away!! A British Columbia Supreme Court judge has laid down the law: a chicken is a chicken no matter how it is raised. This laying down of the law has made me wonder what a chicken is when it crosses the road? And now here with a political commentary is Chris Kattan and tonight host’s Eric McCormack. Chris Kattan: Thank you Jimmy! President Bush said Thursday that Democrats and independents should vote Republican next week because it was in their families' best interests. Okay, now Dubya has lost his mind. Eric McCormack: Bush says hey, Democrats, independents, vote Republican! Okay, that’s like saying hey Gays, Bisexuals, become straight. Chris Kattan: It’s harder than it looks! (Confused look on Chris and Eric’s face) Eric McCormack: Yeah, we know how hard that is. (Jimmy and Tina snicker) No pun intended, Jimmy and Tina. Chris Kattan: Thank you! Eric McCormack: Yeah, thanks! Jimmy Fallon: Chris Kattan and Eric McCormack, ladies and gentlemen! Tina Fey: Many people all around the world are emailing Saddam Hussein with advice on how to beat America. In a related story, Paramount Pictures is in the works to make a sequel to “Dear God”, entitled “Dear Saddam”. Jimmy Fallon: On a double-sided DVD, Atlantic Pictures has released “Teen Wolf” and “Teen Wolf Too”. This makes us here at Weekend Update ask the question, “There was a Teen Wolf Too?” VH1 has cancelled Liza Minnelli and David Gest’s new reality show. The show began to have problems when VH1 executives realize that the stars of the show were Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Tina Fey: Former "Ally McBeal" star Calista Flockhart called police last week to report a prowler calling her name outside Harrison Ford's home. Hey, Ally McBeal, stop worrying, remember, this is Harrison Ford, we are talking about. Harrison Ford can take care of himself. Now, go back to your one room shack and stay there until Hollywood comes calling, cuz we all know that you had to call the police “collect”. In other Hollywood news, actor James Gandolfini has come clean about his troubles with drugs and alcohol. Who would a thought that a guy that plays a mob boss would have problems with drugs and alcohol? Jimmy Fallon: The band Queen has received their very own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Now everyone can “Walk This Way”. Tina Fey: Jimmy, that’s Aerosmith. Jimmy Fallon: I know that! With the seasons changing, the ducks will be flying south for the winter. Here now with a commentary is Weekend Update’s Environmentalist Tommy Schwabby. Tommy Schwabby: Well, Jimmy, what up! Jimmy Fallon: Nothing, Tommy, what is going to happen to the ducks when they fly south? Tommy Schwabby: Shit, them niggas bounce! Jimmy Fallon: Tommy Schwabby everyone! This week, Justin Timberlake was quoted as saying “If I can do it, you can, too”. Well, Justin, according to Britney Spears, you couldn’t do it. Tina Fey: Mariah Carey will be putting out a new album in December. Mariah, that’s good and all, just what ever you do, don’t make another movie! Jimmy Fallon: Warner Brothers has released “Eight Legged Freaks” on video this week. This raises the question: I thought David Arquette only had 2 legs? In sports news, Art Howe was announced as the new manager of the New York Mets. Tina Fey: Who? Jimmy Fallon: Howe! Tina Fey: Who? Jimmy Fallon: Howe! Tina Fey: How? Jimmy Fallon: What? Tina Fey: Who? Jimmy Fallon: Howe. Tina Fey: Oh, Art Howe! Jimmy and Tina: And scene! Jimmy Fallon: The rock band The Wallflowers have said that they are not a traditional rock band. Yeah, I will agree with you on that. Not every rock band has a rock legend’s son as the front man. Woody Allen was quoted this week, saying,” I am a failed artist.” No, Woody, you aren’t a failed artist; you are a failed stepfather, but not a failed artist. Tina Fey: On Sunday night, the Anaheim Angels won the World Series over the San Francisco Giants. However, the ratings were incredibly low even though, demographics were huge for Gays in San Francisco and Angels in the “City of Angels”. From Britain, a survey this week shows that 1 out of every 4 men are unhappy with the size of their penis. Also in this survey, 4 out of every 4 women are unhappy with the size of their man’s penis. (To audience) Yeah, I know, the second penis joke tonight. Jimmy Fallon: We are just following “Penal Code”. Tina Fey: Section 69F states, if they are small, take two! Jimmy Fallon: John Lennon’s killer, Mark David Chapman has been denied for parole, again. In a related story, Charlie Mason is still crazy! A stuntman is presumed dead after shooting a scene for the upcoming Bruce Willis action flick "Tears of the Sun." Well, that’s what happens when you work with Bruce Willis. Bombs away! Tina Fey: Last week, a bird the size of a small plane was spotted in Alaska. It was reported that moments later, a pig flew the very same path. Jimmy Fallon: Paul McCartney announced that he is canceling the Australian leg of his tour. McCartney’s cancellation is a result of the Bali nightclub bombing. McCartney was quoted as saying (in a Beatle voice) I don’t know what I’m gonna dubbby-do?” Acquiring to the 10 commandments, reckless driving is considered a sin. The 5th commandment reads, “Thou shall not kill”. But you know God would be one of those guys you blares their sound system and runs red lights. God was a party animal! Jimmy Fallon: Finally, tonight: Sex & the City star Sarah Jessica Parker gave birth on Monday to a 6 pound, 8 oz. baby boy. And here with a commentary is Sarah Jessica Parker’s husband, Matthew Broderick. Matthew Broderick: (in a Ferris Bueller tone) Hello, I’m Matthew Broderick, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. It didn’t matter to me, it could have been a girl; it could have been a boy. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don’t own a car. (Confused Pause) Wait, What? Jimmy, Tina, why is it I’m still quoting lines from a movie I did back in 1986. I can’t take it! Sarah, her life is great, and I here doing a commentary on an aging show that no one watches. Jimmy, you want to go and get a beer with me? Jimmy Fallon: Sure, Matt. (Exit Jimmy Fallon and Matt Broderick) Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey, he’s Jimmy Fallon, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Tina throws Jimmy’s pencil at the camera) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
