|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Alex.....Chris Kattan Jose.....Fred Armisen Mad-Dog Wilson.....Horatio Sanz Cop 1.....Jimmy Fallon Cop 2.....Dean Edwards (Opens to graffiti'ed brick wall with a side view of a white panel van) (Jose and Alex get out of the van) Jose: Now that the Washington, D.C. area sniper has been caught, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. It has been a tough couple of weeks, and most of us can go back to a normal life. However, not all is well. I represent those of us who have been stared at, hounded, and feared: drivers of white, nondescript panel vans and box-trucks. Alex: Each time I drive down the street, women walking their little dogs stop in terror, old men scuttle away, and police officers stare me down. Granted, I am an out of work contractor who has stolen power tools from clients, I have 5 unpaid parking tickets, and I haven't paid child support since 1982. But, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a crook. Jose: I know how you feel, Jose. I haven't felt so persecuted since I illegally crossed the border. Alex: And think about poor Mad Dog. (Mad Dog walks into the view; he is tattooed, in leather, and looking very sad) Mad Dog has been on the run from the law for three years for burglarizing charities, churches, and rest homes. He sleeps in his van and has finally gotten a good job with Arthur Anderson (Mad Dog sighs and nods), when teenagers called the police on him for parking in the McDonald's drive-thru for 5 days straight. He was forced to abandon his van. If not for this sniper, Mad Dog might still have his New Kids on the Block poster collection left in his van. Jose: So folks, if we look suspicious to you, could it be not that we have all committed felonies and are drifters and scallywags, but that you think all drivers of white trucks and vans are the sniper? … Yeah, gives you a lot to chew on, doesn't it? (2 Cops approach the group) Cop 1: I am so very sorry for the pain we and members of the public may have cost you. Mad Dog: It's been tough, man, really tough. (Fights to hold back tears) Cop 2: I have been called on, by the people of the D.C. metropolitan area, to give you, the drivers of nondescript white panel vans and box trucks, the key to the city. Alex: Oh thank you! Cop 2: Of course, we can't really trust you with the real key to the city, so here is a nice postcard of the key. Jose: Finally, we have gotten the respect we deserve. (As Jose and Alex reach their hands out to shake the hands of the policemen, Cop 1 gets a hold of both) Cop 2: I got 'em. Now get the handcuffs. Cop 1: You have the right to remain silent. (Mad Dog, who had been crying ever since the police came, wipes away his tears. He jumps, and runs to the white van, opening the door) Cop 2: I told you they'd fall for this one. Jose: Hey, officer, that man is stealing my van. Alex: Mad Dog! (Mad Dog shrugs and then gets in. "Hangin' Tough by New Kids on the Block starts playing) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
