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Tom Brokaw... Chris Parnell Jesse Ventura ... Jeff Richards Bobby "The Brain" Heenan... Darrell Hammond King Kong Bundy ... Horatio Sanz Kamala, the Ugandan Giant ... Tracy Morgan Walter Mondale ... Chris Kattan Vince McMahon ... Jimmy Fallon "Mean Gene" Okerlund ... Will Forte [Scene opens at the NBC Newsdesk. Tom Brokaw sits, talking with Governor Jesse Ventura] Tom Brokaw: And we are back. For those of you just joining us, we are here in the studio with Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura. Now, Mister Ventura, following the tragic plane crash of Paul Wellstone last week, you are faced with the unfortunate task of replacing the popular senator. Jesse Ventura: [very thick Minnesota accent] Yes, it has been an enormous loss for our state. Mr. Wellstone was a good man, and a good senator. Tom Brokaw: Now, if early indicators are to be true, former vice-president Walter Mondale is the leading candidate to replace him. Have you had a personal hand in this selection? Jesse Ventura: Absolutely, Tom. I've been a part of the selection process all along. I've taken this decision very seriously, because of the possible political ramifications, and I believe that we will make a decision that the United States can be proud of. Tom Brokaw: [holding his earpiece] We are here in the studio with Jesse Ventura, and now I am getting word that Walter Mondale's press conference is about to begin. He will likely be giving his answer to the big question today, will he accept the nomination the United States Senate? Jesse Ventura: It should be an exciting day, Tom. Tom Brokaw: We now take you live to St. Paul, Minnesota, where Walter Mondale is about to address the media. [Cut to a podium. Walter Mondale is speaking with the crowd. He is flanked by two federal agents on either side.] Walter Mondale: Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the press, and the great state of Minnesota. First off, I would like to thank you all for coming out in the cold. I would also like to thank the family of Senator Wellstone. He was a good man. [applause from the crowd] My goal here today was to come here and address the rumors that I will be joining the senate, in my friend's place. Many friends and politicians have asked me if I will carry the torch set forth by Mr. Wellstone, and I respond with a resounding... [There is a sudden commotion as a large man pushes his way to the podium. He is big and very mean. He wears a black one-piece wrestling outfit. He is 400-pound pro wrestler King Kong Bundy.] King Kong Bundy: [grabbing the microphone] Hello, worms. [He looks at Mondale and sneers] Now look here, little man. Why don't you just get off my stage. I got something to say to the fine people here. [There is some booing in the crowd and he responds] Shut up! Shut up! Tom Brokaw: [back in the studio] For those of you just joining us, it appears that pro wrestler King Kong Bundy is now addressing the Mondale press conference. This is an unexpected twist in an already confusing national story. [Mondale's boydguards attempt to push Bundy off the stage. Bundy grabs one around the neck, and picks him up by the throat. The bodyguard flails helplessly, and Bundy flings him into the crowd. Bundy runs at the second bodyguard and hits him with a running elbow smash, knocking him senseless. The poor bodyguard falls through the bunting behind the stage. Bundy laughs, evilly.] Walter Mondale: Look here, there is no place for this violence! What do you want? [A large black man raises up behind Mondale. He is big and shirtless and is covered with facepaint, with a large moon painted on his belly. He is Kamala, the Ugandan Giant, another massive wrestler.] [Kamala lets out a war cry and smashes a wooden chair over the head of Mondale. Mondale crumples to the floor. Bundy points to the crowd and then follows with an elbow drop onto Mondale's prone body. The crowd visibly winces.] Tom Brokaw: [back at the studio] Walter Mondale appears to have been hit with a chair and rendered unconscious. And then a running Bundy elbow drop. This is terrible. Jesse, do you know anything about this? Jesse Ventura: [chuckling with delight] Just keep watching, Brokaw. You're about to meet your newest senator. [A white haired man strides to the stage from behind the bunting. He wears a black jumpsuit, with diamonds spelling out the word, "The Brain." Kamala and Bundy stand on either side of him, protecting him. The crowd starts booing. He addresses them.] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: I'm here, so you can shut up now. It's me, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Your new senator. [The crowd boos loudly. Some beer bottles and fruit litter the stage.] Jesse Ventura: [back in the studio] That's right, America, say hello to the Brain. [He chuckles loudly] The finest mind in all of professional wrestling. He was my replacement choice all along, and I'll be damned if I let Walter Mondale come in and steal my thunder. [He starts laughing, evilly.] Tom Brokaw: [shocked] Mr. Ventura, this is despicable. This is beyond even you! Jesse Ventura: Oh, can it, Brokaw. Heenan is the best wrestling manager known to modern man. Why don't you just shut up and listen for a change? You might learn a thing or two. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: [addressing the crowd] Shut up! Shut up, all of you! You aren't fit to share the podium with me! Bow down to the Brain! [The crowd boos lustily. Some people start chanting "Weasel!" "Weasel!" "Weasel!"] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Call me Brain! Call me the Brain! [His face starts to turn red from yelling] I'll smash you! I'll destroy you all! You will learn to respect me! [Bundy starts flipping the audience off, in the universal bad guy wrestler gesture. Kamala starts waving a spear at them, threateningly.] Crowd: Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: All of you will pay! Bundy, Kamala, go shut them up! [The two big wrestlers go into the crowd and start whaling away om people. People scream and start to run away. Chaos ensues as Bundy and Kamala fling people left and right.] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: You will respect me, and my title! I am now your senator, and I'll be making a few changes. First off, we need a new policy in the Middle East. As of this moment, I am replacing CIA Director George Tenet with my new point man in the region, The Iron Sheik. Jesse Ventura: [back in the studio] Beautiful, Brokaw. [laughing] The Sheik is both a great technical wrestler, as well as a brilliant international diplomat. A wise choice. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: And I am declaring this to be a day of war! As of now, the United States is at war with Iraq. We are now at war with Pakistan! We are now at war with Ricky Steamboat! And we are declaring war on Hulk Hogan, today! Any man who can injure Hulk Hogan and end his wrestling career will receive one MILLION dollars, cash, from yours truly. Jesse Ventura: [back in the studio] That's why they call him the Brain, Brokaw. [laughing] The man knows how to get things done. Tom Brokaw: Mr. Ventura, I just have to ask, why? Jesse Ventura: I'm sick of tired of all these political namby-pambys, Brokaw. The Senate needs someone with a pair of stones. We need a fighter. Someone who will throw salt in an opponent's eyes if things aren't going their way. Someone who will resort to using a foreign object if needed. A man who isn't afraid of the Muslim far right, or of Chico Santana. The Brain is all that and more. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: [still angrily addressing the crowd] And Zaire, we are coming after you next! You don't mess with the big boys. I'll bury you where I buried the Junkyard Dog. If you don't shape up, I'll send the One Man Gang after you, and you better hope he's in a good mood! [Bundy and Kamala return to the stage. They both cross their arms and look menacing.] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: And after Zaire, we attack Britain! That's right, you dumb limeys, see if you can survive thirty minutes with Bundy in a steel cage! [Bundy grins] Tom Brokaw: [holding his earpiece] I am getting word that we have a special caller from your past. Vince McMahon, president of the WWE, and your old boss, is on the phone. Vince? Vince McMahon: [angry] C'mon, Jesse! This is terrible. What happened to the distinguished governor we thought we knew? Jesse Ventura: Oh, spare me the act, McMahon. Bobby the Brain didn't do nothing wrong. Mondale tried to pull a cheap shot and the Brain was acting in self defense. Bundy could have been hurt if Mondale's goons got to him. Vince McMahon: That was a cheap shot and you know it! Heenan has no business interfering with a press conference. There should be an investigation into this! Jesse Ventura: Heenan plays it by the rules, McMahon! Mondale tried to jump him and Bundy harpooned that little specimen. That's why you keep a man like King Kong Bundy around, to keep the peace. Bundy's just doing his job! Vince McMahon: This is disgusting, Jesse! I hope you're happy with yourself! Tom Brokaw: [holding his earpiece] I'm getting word of another caller. Wrestling announcer "Mean Gene" Okerlund is on the phone. Mean Gene? "Mean Gene" Okerlund: Jesse, Gene Okerlund. Walter Mondale is incapacitated, King Kong Bundy threatens the public, and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan is now a member of the Senate. What's happening out there? Jesse Ventura: Hey, where'd they dig you up, cue ball? I thought you were off flipping burgers somewhere. "Mean Gene" Okerlund: Well, you are obviously referring to my chain of hamburger restaurants, Mean Gene's Burgers, in over 50 locations across the country. But Jesse, attacking a former vice-president? Have you no scruples? Jesse Ventura: I'll say it one time, Mean Gene, and one time only. Jesse the Body is back. The owner of the most perfect body known to man. Wrestler extraordinaire, action star, ladies' man. And now that Andre the Giant is dead, no one will stop me. The Brain and I will soon be taking over the world! "Mean Gene" Okerlund: You heard it here first, America. Jesse "The Body" Ventura is back. The former Tag Team Champion has returned and is throwing his hat back in the ring. The only question that remains is where, oh where, is the Hulkster? Jesse Ventura: Hulk Hogan is a sad old man! He can't stop me this time! Hogan, you're too riddled with steroids to take on an ex-Navy Seal. Check out these guns. [He stands up and starts posing. He rips off his suit and starts flexing his pecs and biceps.] The most perfect body known to man. The All-American Jesse the Body. Tom Brokaw: [holding his earpiece] I have word that Bobby Heenan is wrapping up his press conference. We take you back to St. Paul, live, for Senator Heenan's final remarks. [Heenan is still angrily pointing at the cameras] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: That's right, you French beret-wearing sissy boys. Once we steal your cheese, we are taking the Eiffel Tower. And I'm taking a leak on the grave of Andre the Giant, try and stop me. Big French oaf, couldn't even bend over and tie his own shoes. King Kong Bundy: [leaning over to the microphone] And I want Hogan. [He sneers] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: That's right. Hogan, this is Senator Heenan talking. Show yourself! Stop filming Suburban Commando 2, and fight like a man! Let's go, Thunderlips, see if you can take on the United States government! Tom Brokaw: Well, you have heard it here first. Bobby Heenan, the newest member of the Senate. Jesse Ventura, trying to recapture his past days of glory. Walter Mondale, out of commission with a possible rib injury. This will have an interesting effect on the world of international politics. Jesse Ventura: [pointing at the camera] And Chico Santana, you better run. Run all the way back to Mexico and make me a taco. Tom Brokaw: With NBC News, I'm Tom Brokaw. Thank you for joining us this evening. Your local news is next. [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
