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Jimmy.....Chris Kattan Shield Nickerson.....Chris Parnell Guy.....Jeff Richards Cashier.....Rachel Dratch Customers.....Amy Poehler, Tracy Morgan, Maya Rudolph, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Fallon [Scene: A checkout line at a Wal-mart. Jimmy walks up to cashier with a pack of gum. He puts it on the counter. Cashier rings it through. Jimmy takes out debit card/credit card and swipes it. Nothing happens. He does it again. It doesn't work. He continues this a few more times. Each time he gets more nervous. The line behind him gets progressively longer. They begin to get impatient and mumble things at him. Finally there is a beep which signals that the card worked. Jimmy makes a face at those in line behind him.] Jimmy: (looking at card reader) Insufficient funds? What the? [others in line begin to laugh. Jimmy folds arms and pouts. Shield Nickerson enters scene. Jimmy holds pose and the other customers keep pointing and laughing but their sound is cut.] Shield Nickerson: Hello there. Has this ever happened to you? Embarrassing isn't it? Not only is it embarrassing it's also a waste of your, and (motioning towards the other customers) others, time. Well this never has to happen to you again. You may be skeptical at first but our researchers at Cashco have developed something extraordinary. We call it cash. [cut to a picture of money falling.] Shield Nickerson: That's right. Cash. It works just like a credit and or debit card but it has many advantages. Let me show you some right now. [Cut to checkout scene as it looked at beginning of skit. Jimmy walks up to cashier with pack of gum. He puts it on the counter. Cashier rings it through. Jimmy reaches for his credit card/debit card. Shield Nickerson enters scene again.] Shield Nickerson: Ah ah ah.(he hands Jimmy a dollar bill. Jimmy looks somewhat confused. Jimmy takes dollar bill and swipes it through card reader. Shield Nickerson looks at camera.) Not like that.(he fake laughs and hands the dollar bill to the cashier. The cashier takes the money and gives Jimmy some change.) Jimmy: This...this is for me?(the cashier nods. He gives her a hug and picks up his gum. Nearly crying he blows kisses to the other customers. They wave back and smile.) Thank you all so much. [Shield Nickerson enters scene again as other customers continue along.] Shield Nickerson: That's right. It seems too good to be true. But it's not. It's just cash. Where can I get cash you ask? Just call this toll-free number (super-scroll 1-900-555-Cash)on the bottom of your screen and order cash today. Here's what you'll get. (cut to empty table. As Shield Nickerson describes each item it pops onto table or put in closeup view.)You'll get 5 one dollar bills, 4 five dollar bills, 2 ten dollar bills, 2 twenty dollars bills, 2 fifty dollar bills and one very special, one hundred dollar bill. All this for 4 easy payments of ninety nine ninety five. (super 4 easy payments and so on.)That's a $285.00 value for 4 easy payments of only ninety nine ninety five. And where credit card companies and banks will splash their logo all over their cards, we here at Cashco choose instead to put some of our nations greatest heroes on our cash. Washington, Lincoln, Franklin and Hamilton just to name a few. That's right Hamilton. But we don't stop there. You can visit The Lincoln Memorial, the White House, the U.S. Treasury and more without leaving your home. All this, here in one collection. Free yourself from credit and debit and educate yourself at the same time.(cut back to Shield Nickerson. Enter Guy) Guy: Trade you 5 Washingstons for a Lincoln. Shield Nickerson: Sure. (They make the trade and Guy leaves.) Ha ha. My goodness, who needs Sports Cards? Cash is easy AND fun. Don't you think it's about time you put your credit card to good use. Buy yourself some cash. And if you call within the next 20...ah heck let's say 30 minutes...we'll throw in this very special, Cashco Cash Carrying Case.(Shield Nickerson holds up wallet and opens it up to reveal it's empty. He takes takes five dollar bill and puts it in the wallet.) It's just that easy. Call now. [Cut to Cashco Products Logo and the 1-900-555-Cash number. There is a bundle of cash as well. Cut back to Shield Nickerson.] Shield Nickerson: And new for our Canadian friends. (he fans out some multi-colored money.)Colors! Get yours today! [fade out to Dire Strait's 'Money for Nothing.'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
