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Jacob... Chris Parnell The Boss... Horatio Sanz Stan... Jimmie Fallon Melissa... Rachel Dratch Chip... Seth Meyers [scene opens in the boardroom of a large company. Five people sit around a large table. A sign "Kelley Inventions Corp." sits on the wall.] Boss: Ok, now that we're all here, we can start our weekly meeting. I hope you're all doing well. [He motions to a man at the end of the table]. Our guest this week is Jacob Munson, who has a new invention proposal for us. Jacob? [The other four applaud, half-heartedly, as Jacob stands up. He wears a suit and tie and looks nervous. He holds with him a large cloth bandage.] Jacob: Thank you, Mr. Kelley. Now, I just want to start by asking you all, what is the biggest problem facing teenagers today? [No one answers, they are all just staring at him] Jacob: Ok, well there's lots of stuff. Dates, prom, money, parents. Did I miss anything? [No one answers. They still stare at him. Jacob gets even more nervous] Jacob: But I believe that the biggest problem, the one I have attempted to solve, is that of acne. Any of you have acne when you were kids? [One of them, Chip, shrugs slightly and raises his hand, embarrassed. Soon, two of the others do as well. Jacob smiles.] Jacob: Well, what would you say if I told you that acne was a thing of the past? Chip: You have cured acne? Melissa: Wow, you will make millions. Stan: Tell us more! Jacob: What if I told you that you could cure acne [dramatic pause] simply by Jerking Off every night? [The boss is drinking from a glass of water. He hears this and spits it out, in a massive spit take.] Boss: Whu... what did you just say? Jacob: This is my invention. [He holds up the adhesive bandage]. The Jerk Off. Jerk that acne right off your face. [The other four people look around the room at each other, in disbelief.] Stan: Excuse me, did you say it is called "The Jerk Off?" [He smiles and starts to giggle. He holds a hand over his mouth] Jacob: Yes. It's a wonder of technology. I've patented my own breakthrough medicine, which adheres itself to all acne, blackheads and pimples. You attach the Jerk Off strip, let it settle for a minute, and then jerk it off your face. It pulls all the nasty dirt and grime with it, and effectively ends your acne problem. It's actually quite impressive. Boss: Son, are you trying to play a joke on us? Jacob: [confused] No, why? Boss: Are you aware of the connotations of the phrase "jerk off?" Jacob: Oh God! [He holds a hand to his mouth, stunned.] Don't tell me someone already patented the name! Boss: Uh, no. [He looks around at his colleagues, in disbelief.] I think you're pretty safe. Jacob: [relieved] Oh, that's a relief. Here, anyone want to give it a try? Want me to help you Jerk Off? Stan: Uh, no that's okay. Chip: No, sir! Melissa: That's quite alright. Jacob: Mind if I Jerk Off then? I'd like to show you how it works. [The board members all start to giggle, trying to hide it from Jacob.] Stan: [giggling] Yeah, feel free. You need any Vaseline? [The board members continue to giggle. Even the Boss is giggling now.] Jacob: Uh, no. I actually have my own patented medicine on the bandage strip. You don't need any excess oils or liquids. Stan: Okay, go ahead. Start whacking off. [He can't stop his giggle anymore, he has to turn away from the table so they can't see him.] Jacob: No, it's not Whack Off. It's Jerk Off. I know, it's a tricky phrase. People make that mistake all the time. Melissa: [raising her hand] I have a question. Jacob: Sure, go ahead. Melissa: Does it hurt to Jerk Off? [She starts to smile, and tries hard to keep a straight face. Her co-workers are cracking up.] Jacob: No, it's actually quite pleasant. It feels like a smooth velvet glove being placed across your skin. Melissa: Does it make your hands hairy? Jacob: [completely lost] Uh, not that I am aware of. The acne medication has a few side effects, but I haven't seen that one yet. Besides, the medicine touches your face, not your hands. Chip: So when you spank it, do you have to be alone? Jacob: Spanking it? Who said anything about a spanking? Melissa: I think you need a monkey if you are going to spank it. [She grins.] Chip: So when you "beat the badger to death", is there a certain technique to use? [He pantomimes the universal jacking off hand gesture with one hand] Jacob: [shooting him a confused look] Yes, but that motion is all wrong. It's more of an across-the-forehead type of stroke, like this. [He moves his hand from left to right] I think you guys are getting a bit confused. Hold on, let me give you a demonstration. [He places the bandage strip across his forehead, waits for a second, and then slowly pulls it off. He moans.] Boss: [angry] Oh, come on now! You're putting us on, you pervert! Jacob: I'm sorry, but I really don't know what you're talking about. I just like to Jerk Off, what's so wrong with that? Stan: Hey, if Jerking Off is a crime, then put me in jail! [They all start to crack up again. Stan has completely lost it.] Chip: He's the Osama bin Laden of jerking off. [giggling] Jacob: I really don't see what's so funny here. Acne is not something to make fun of. Acne and its related scars are a very serious problem among our nation's youth. Boss: He's right. [glaring at his board members] You guys shut up and show some respect. Acne is a serious issue. We shouldn't be making fun of it. Jacob: Thank you. Boss: So are you supposed to use one hand to Jack Off, or can you use two? [Everyone starts to crack up again. Jacob is losing control of his audience.] Jacob: No! No, it's not "Jack Off." I don't know why this is so hard to understand! [No one is paying attention to him anymore, they are all laughing and cracking jokes.] Chip: If you do it too much, will you go blind? Melissa: Can women do it too? Stan: Hey, we could get Pee Wee Herman to endorse it! Boss: And George Michael! Chip: Can you do it alone in a porno theater? Melissa: Can you do it with a partner? Stan: How about in the shower? Melissa: Why don't you just get a girlfriend to smack it around? [Everybody is laughing loudly now. The room has lost all semblance of professionalism.] Jacob: [trying to speak over the raucous laughter] I'm sorry, but I don't think this is going to work. I'm sorry if I have wasted your time. Maybe I should be going. [He starts to pack up his stuff] Boss: Aw we're sorry, c'mon guys. Leave the man alone. I'm sorry, Jacob. Chip: Hey, if you leave, please leave your whack-off strip here, I think Stan wants to use it later. [cracking up] Jacob: [angrily] No thank you, I will be taking my invention elsewhere. And when I patent it through some other company, you will rue the day you made fun of me. You will never be able to Jerk Off without paying me a royalty someday. Stan: [pulling out a $50 bill from his wallet] Here, how about I just pay you now. Save me some time in the future. [Everyone but Jacob cracks up again.] [Jacob storms out of the boardroom and slams the door.] [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
