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Dr. Schwang...Chris Parnell Sarah...Brittany Murphy Phil...Chris Kattan Dr. Schwang: (opens in a somber setting) Child Obesity is a serious problem in our nation. One out of every three children is overweight. This ratio is the same for adults. This problem is caused mostly by a lack of excercise and an unhealthy diet. It's time we did something about this. Hello, I'm Dr. Norbert Shwang, and like many of us, I'm concerned with America's lack of fitness. We could put our children on a strict diet and excercise regime, but that would take too long. What we need is a quick solution. And I'm prepared to offer that solution, in one simple word: Liposuction. Yes, having our children undergo liposuction will improve the physical health of this country. And don't make it sound as if liposuction is just vanity. Let me put it this way: when you take the express train home instead of the local train, do you call that cheating? So think of it as a shortcut to good health. Just ask Sarah Eisman, a satisfies customer: Sarah: (obviously a young girl) I was constantly laughed at for being overweight. All the other kids would laugh at me, and my parents weren't helping. They said that it was my fault for being fat, and they kept sending me to fat camp, and they wouldn't let me eat any sweets, even on my birthday and holidays. I was so sad. Then, I realized that I could have a slimmer figure in only a few hours just by going to Dr. Shwang. The next day, I felt happier, all the kids at school now like me, and I can even fit into my pants without a belt. Sure, my parents were angry at me for having liposuction, but they got over it, because after all, they were glad to have a thin daughter! Thank you, Dr. Shwang! Dr. Schwang: See? And can you guess how old Sarah is? 15? 12? Nope! Nine? Not even close. She's not even seven! That's right! She's only six years old! Isn't that a little young? NO! You're never too young to lose excess pounds the quick and easy way. And all it'll cost you is $199.99? NO! $179.99? Not even close? All it costs is a mere $65! That way, it's easy to afford, so even poor kids can shrink that stomach. And best of all, unlike other places, you won't have to present a parental permission slip! Just hand over the cash, and you'll be thin in a flash! No examinations, just a HEALTHY THIN BODY THAT EVERYONE WILL LOVE that's easilt attainable! Just ask this kid, 8 year old Phil Dwight! Phil: (Wheelchair bound, speaking as if he's uncertain about how better off he really is) Dr. Shwang really changed my life. I lost 38 pounds, and since then, the neighbors don't oink like a pig anyomre as I pass by their house. Sure, I lost all feeling below my waist, but I didn't really like walking anyway, and besides I won't have to run 5 miles a day like I used to do, since I already lost all that weight. So, thanks, Dr. Shwang. Dr. Schwang: (caught off guard) Uhh...about losing the ability to walk...well that was a mistake. It doesn't happen most of the time. But hey, at least he became thin! So if you want a slimmer stomach without all the rigors of having to work out like a slave or giving up your favorite foods, call Dr. Schwang, and I'll suck the fat out of you without sucking out too much of your money. And if you don't want liposuction, there's always D. Schwang's plastic surgery and breast enlagrement for kids. Be the first kid on your block to drastically improve your appearance at a low price! (on screen) Call Dr. Shwang. Because the time to look better is now, even if you aren't old enough to walk. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
