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Michelle Kellogg.....Rachel Dratch Stephen Post.....Will Forte Bart Kellogg.....Seth Meyers Krystal Kellogg.....Maya Rudolph Richard Kellogg.....Jeff Richards Thomas Post.....Robert DeNiro Voiceover: [ over "Cereal" title card ] "Cereal" is the story of the trials and tribulations of the dysfunctional Kellogg Family. "Cereal" contains no nutritional value, and should not be viewed on an empty stomach. [ dissolve to Kellogg Family great room, where Michelle Kellogg sits with beau Stephen Post on loveseat in center of room ] Michelle Kellogg: Oh, Stephen, I love you so much.. Stephen Post: And I, you, Michelle. You truly are the apple jack of my eye. Michelle Kellogg: Oh, lover, you bowl me over with your romanticisms. [ Michelle and Stephen begin to make out with fervored passion, as Bart Kellogg storms angrily into the room from the stairs ] Bart Kellogg: Get your hands off my sister! Stephen Post: Hey, come on, man, be cool! This isn't just fooling around - we intend to get married. Bart Kellogg: I don't want you to marry her, because I saw her first! And I should be the one making out with her! Michelle Kellogg: Bart! Bart Kellogg: It's true! I fell in love with her the day she was brought home from the hospital! and no one is going to take her away from me! No one! Michelle Kellogg: [ yelling ] Moooooommm!! Tell Bart to leave us alone! [ Matriarch Krystal Kellogg enters. She is cross-eyed and club-footed ] Krystal Kellogg: Bart, leave Michelle and her boyfriend alone! Bart Kellogg: Or else, what? You're gonna kick me with your club foot? [ Mrs. Kellogg stares at her obnoxious son ] Hey! Don't look at me with those corss eyes! Krystal Kellogg: Sometimes I think I should have had that abortion! Bart Kellogg: Yeah, well, it's too late to cry over spilt milk. [ takes his seat on chair behind couch, and fumes quietly to himself ] Krystal Kellogg: [ sits at chair on side of couch ] So, what are you two kids doing in here, anyway? Michelle Kellogg: We're trying to pick out songs for the wedding. Krystal Kellogg: [ thinking ] Hmm.. how about Neil Diamond's "Crunchy Granola" Suite"? That's always been a favorite of mine! Michelle Kellogg: Uh.. no. But we like the Neil Diamond idea, we were thinking more along the line of "September Morn". Stephen Post: Because, you see, we actually met on a September morning! Krystal Kellogg: Fine. If you wannt to do it that way. Bart Kellogg: How about The Turtles - "She's My Girl"?! Stephen Post: [ angry, stands ] How about Bill Haley & The Comets, "See You Later, Alligator"?! Krystal Kellogg: Those are all good choices. Are they your basic four, so far? Michelle Kellogg: Mom, we're not playing "Crunchy Granola Suite"! Krystal Kellogg: Honey, I know it sounds corny, but it's really quite a treat. Michelle Kellogg: [ clutches fists and shakes ] Mom, you're gonna make me snap! You're gonna make me crackle! For God's sake, mom, you're gonna make me pop! [ Richard Kellogg enters room from offscreen left ] Richard Kellogg: [ kisses Krystal on the cheek ] Cheerio, Love! Loo's free, if anyone needs it! Stephen Post: The what? Krystal Kellogg: He means the toilet. It's British; he's not. Richard Kellogg: Oh, pish posh! [ crumples newspaper as he sits ] Anyone for fish and chips? Krystal Kellogg: Would you give it a rest, Richard. Stephen's father is coming to meet us today, and I want all of us to be on our best behavior! now, that means you stop using a fake accent, and.. [ stares at Bart ] ..you stop lusting over your sister! Stephen Post: Nothing against any of you, but I'm really nervous about having my father come here today. He has tendancy to look down on people he sees as less than himself. He sees the glass as half-empty, never half-full. Krystal Kellogg: Who cares how full the glass is, as long as there's enough for a splash. And, in this family, every drop counts. [ doorbell rings ] Stephen Post: I'll get it , Mrs. Kellogg! Just, please, everyone act natural. [ answers door to father ] Dad! Thomas Post: [ enters, eyeing the premises ] How ya' doin', son? Krystal Kellogg: [ hobbles forward ] You must be Steve's father. Welcome to our home! I'm Krystal Kellogg, and this is my husband Richard. Thomas Post: [ looks around ] Nice place you got here. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it. Krystal Kellogg: What does that mean? Thomas Post: It don't mean nuthin'! I'm just sayin'! Jeez! [ sits ] Richard Kellogg: [ stands and approaches ] Hello, old man. Welcome to our humble tidings, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Thomas Post: [ looks inquisitively ] Are you gay? Richard Kellogg: [ chuckles ] Oh, I say! Good show! Good show! Stephen Post: Dad, Mr. Kellogg thinks he's British. Thomas Post: Well, it probably suits him better than knowing he's a full-fledged flake. [ a beat ] Got anything to eat? Stephen Post: Dad, I want you to meet Michelle. She's the girl I've asked to marry me. Thomas Post: She's quite a dish, but I'm gonna have to say no. Stephen Post: Excuse me? Thomas Post: I'm saying no. Stephen Post: Dad, you can't tell me what to do! I'm 26 years old, this is my life! Thomas Post: And I'm saying no, if you marry into this family you're no longer my son! Not only will I disown you, but I'll tear you to shreds like a patch of wheat. Stephen Post: I don't understand the problem! Thomas Post: You don't understand the problem?! I bring you into this world with a silver spoon in your mouth, and you turn around and expect to marry yourself into this family?! Bart Kellogg: Yeah! Take him home! He's trying to take my sister away from me - and I saw her first! He can't marry her, because I want to marry her! Thomas Post: [ looks at Stephen ] What is it with this family?! Are they all flakes and nuts? Stephen Post: [ puts arm around Michelle ] One of them isn't. Michelle's as normal as the fuzz on a peach. Thomas Post: [ nods head ] Yeah.. yeah, I guess so. [ thinking ] Alright, I'll give you ten minutes to bang her a couple times, and then we're going home. Stephen Post: No, Dad, I'm staying here. Thomas Post: You don't want to do this, Stephen. You do not wanna mess with me! Stephen Post: I'm staying! Thomas Post: ou're gonna throw it all away for a British club and incest? Michelle Kellogg: [ jumps forward ] Please, Mr. Post! What if Stephen and I both came with you? Thomas Post: You're cute.. but you're damaged goods, toots. I don't want half a banana, I want the whole enchilada! Stephen Post: I choose to stay and marry Michelle - at any cost. Thomas Post: Then, son.. this is goodbye. Perhaps, another time or another place, but, for now, I must go. But you'll be sorry, mark my words, you'll be sorry. [ exits front door as everyone is silent, then suddenly re-appears ] Hey, I was serious before - you got anything to eat? [ scene freezes, as title card appears ] Voiceover: "Cereal" was filmed before a live studio audience, consisting of a group of people who've never met, but who all wanted to come in from the rain. Join us again for more unbalanced hijinks on the next episode of.. "Cereal". [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
