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Driver Cop.....Darrell Hammond Passenger Cop.....Seth Myers Cleveland Browns Dog.....Horatio Sanz [ Nightime. Two cops sit quiet and motionless in their patrol car. Both appear to be drifting off into space] Passenger Cop: I just remembered Johnny Socko. Driver Cop: What? Passenger Cop: I just remembered Johhny Socko, and I realized that I had forgetten all about him. [solemnly reflective] The last time I thought about him I was probably 10, 12 years old. Driver Cop: Oh. Passenger Cop: [ Immitating Johny Socko] My robot....my robot......Man, I criiiieeeed when Johhny Socko died. My mother let me stay home from school. [ Driver cop looks at him weird. A call comes over the radio. He answers it] Driver Cop: Yyyyyello? Dispatch: We've got a call about a disturbance in the 2400 block of Baseline Rd. Apparently a big brown dog is being a nuisance. He's ripping apart garbages and creating quite a mess. Driver Cop: So what do you expect us to do about it? Shoot it? Where's the animal control guy? Dispatch: He's got his hands full with Michael Jackson's Llama again. C'mon guys. Driver Cop: Alright, we're on our way. [ hangs up ] Passenger Cop: Stupid Llama. That things always going berzerk. Driver Cop: I think he abuses it. Passenger Cop: I would too. I hate Llamas. [ They drive off. Next thing you know, they're at Baseline rd, which is a residential suburban street. Torn up garbages litter the roadway. They slow down and maneuver around the trash, cautiously proceeding ahead] Driver Cop: What a mess. It looks like my son's room. Passenger Cop: Hey, look! There's something up ahead. [ They quickly accelerate, then come to a stop. Caught in their headlights is a short, fat, 300 lb man wearing a dark brown #99 Cleveland Browns jersey, baggy black sweat pants, cheap white sneakers, a Cleveland Browns baseball cap and a dog mask that covers his face (except his mouth and chin). He's standing next to a garbage pail, slowly poking a hole into the bag with his right hand. Barely startled, he slowly turns to face them. Cradling in his left arm, he's got a turkey leg, a beat up teddy bear, an empty beer can and a porn magazine - apparently his loot.] [ The cops look at each other stunned] Passenger Cop: That's a big dog. Driver Cop: C'mon, let's go. [ They exit the vehicle and cautiously approach the "dog". He just stands there motionless, staring at them] Driver Cop: Easy boy, we're not going to hurt you. [ As they get close to him, it slowly begins to back away] Cleveland Browns Dog: [ Quick, choppy, monotone and barely audible] Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof......[ as if warning them to stay away ] Driver Cop: Easy, just put the trash down. Easy, easy..... [ They lunge towards him, but he quickly turns and runs between 2 houses] Driver Cop: You chase him, I'll head him off on the other side! [ Driver Cop get's inside the car and speeds off. Passenger Cop runs after the "dog" ] [ Driver Cop pulls around to the other side of the houses and meets up with Passenger cop, who is standing on the side of the road, doubled over, trying to catch his breath] Driver Cop: Where did he go? Passenger Cop: I lost him. [ breathing heavy] He's to quick. Driver Cop: [ Incredulous] He's to quick??? [ no reply] Get in. We'll circle around the neighborhood. [ They drive around looking for him, quickly spotting him. He's standing motionless in a driveway, staring at a cat on top of a car. He's doing his quick little barking at it; but it doesn't appear to be afraid. He notices the cops and quickly runs off between houses again] Passenger Cop: There he goes! I'll get him this time! You head him off again. [ Jumps out of the car and gives chase ] [ They meet up on the other side and once again, Passenger cop is doubled over, trying to catch his breath ] Driver Cop: You lost him again? Passenger Cop: He....[ takes a deep breath]...he's quicker than he looks! [ They circle the neighborhood again, resuming their search. They spot him again. This time, he's crouched down on someone's lawn ] Driver Cop: There he is! What the hell is he doing? Passenger Cop: It looks like he's taking a dump! Driver Cop: A dump??? Passenger Cop: Ya, a dump. You know, taking a crap. Driver Cop: We can get him for that too. Passenger Cop: Maybe we should wait until he's finished. Driver Cop: No, let's catch him with his pants down. And this time, we'll both chase him. [ They get out of the car and run towards him. He see's them, scrambles to pull up his pants (we see quite a bit of cheek) and runs off. They give chase but lose him again. They both stand there on the side of the road, doubled over, trying to catch their breath ] Passenger Cop: I told you he's quick. Driver Cop: Ya....[ takes a deep breath ] Let's forget about him and go get a bite. [ pauses ] Let him run, let him be free. Let him roam the neighborhood and tear apart trash, and take dumps to, I don't care. He's not worth all this trouble. [ They turn and walk back to the car] [ They sit in the car again, quietly eating donuts and sandwiches, solemly staring out the windows at nothing in particular. ] Passenger Cop: You'd think we'd be able to catch a big, fat dog like that. [ Shaking his head ] He's a real runner, a quick son of a gun. Off Screen: Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof..... Driver Cop: What the?! [ Cleveland Browns Dog has got his face pressed up against the drivers side window but they don't see him yet ] Cleveland Browns Dog: Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof-woof..... Passenger Cop: Look out! Driver Cop: [ startled ] AHHH!!!! [ screams ] Passenger Cop: Let's get him! [ They both dash out the passenger side and close in on him. He moves away from the car but doesn't run, or even move a muscle for that matter ] Driver Cop: [ Gun drawn ] Dumb dog, I'll show you for scaring me! [ Cleveland Browns Dog just stands there. Driver cop sets his sights on him ] Passenger Cop: Wait! [ Driver Cop pauses ] Passenger Cop: He's friendly. Driver Cop: How do you know that? Passenger Cop: We couldn't catch him, right? So he came back to us. He wanted to be found. Driver Cop: You're right. [ lowers the weapon ] This dog poses no threat at all. He's a good dog! [ Cleveland Browns Dog relaxes and pants as if smiling. Driver Cop pats him on the shoulder. Passenger Cop rubs his big tummy ] Driver Cop: That's a good boy! Passenger Cop: Hey, I've got an idea! How about we take him in? Driver Cop: I don't know. He'll be a lot to care for. Passenger Cop: I know! We can train him to be a police dog! That way it'll all be paid for! Driver Cop: Yaaaa. [ He playfully pretends to punch him in the stomach ] Passenger Cop: We can name him Bernie.......Bernie Kosar. Driver Cop: The old quarter back? Passenger Cop: Ya. Driver Cop: If you ask me, he looks more like a Micheal Dean Perry. Passenger Cop: The old lineman? Driver Cop: Ya. THE END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
