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Bartender....Robert DeNiro Patron....Jimmy Fallon Patron's Buddy....Jeff Richards (We open in a bar as the PATRON enters and sits down. BARTENDER walks up to the counter.) Bartender: Yeah, what can I do ya for? Patron: A... scotch and soda, por favor. Bartender: Por favor? What, do I look Spanish to you? Patron: No, no, I just... I like Spanish. Bartender: Ohh... (Bartender walks further down the bar, pours liquor from bottle into glass, pours soda into it, brings it back to Patron.) Patron: Thanks. Bartender: Yeah, no problem. (The Patron is about to take a sip when he hears the crash of a breaking glass, startling him. He looks up to see the Bartender with an angry look on his face. Bartender picks up a broom and starts sweeping up the glass. Patron is slightly curious, but goes back to his drink.) (Enter PATRON'S BUDDY. Patron stands up to greet him) Patron: Hey, man! Glad you could make it! Patron's Buddy: Wouldn't miss it, man.. how you been? (The two sit down at the bar) Patron: Good, man, how you doing? Patron's Buddy: Good, good. I, uh.. (The shatter of another glass stops him in mid-sentence. Both look over at the Bartender, who calmly sweeps up the glass.) Patron's Buddy: (uneasily) Uh... I got engaged a couple months ago. Patron: Really? No kidding! Patron's Buddy: No, really. Patron: You know, that's the strangest thing, cause I.. (Another glass breaks and shatters, stopping him, they glance over at the Bartender, then turn back to face each other.) Patron: Uh... I got engaged as well! Patron's Buddy: You're kidding me? Patron: No, man. Patron's Buddy: Well, congratulations! Patron: Yeah, thanks. Hey, you, too! Patron's Buddy: Hey. Patron: Well, that's the reason I wanted to meet up with you, man... (He is about to continue his sentence when another glass breaks. He tries to ignore it) Patron: ...I was going to ask you... (Another glass breaks) Patron: ...if you'd, uh, be interested in... (Yet another glass breaks) Patron: ...uh, being the, uh... (Now it sounds like a whole tray of glasses falling to the floor and shattering. This is the last straw. They both turn to the bartender.) Patron: Hey, do you mind? (Bartender looks up, clueless.) Patron's Buddy: You're breaking the glasses! Bartender: (glancing down at shattered glass) Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Patron: Jeesh. Patron's Buddy: Hey, why are you breaking those glasses anyway, man? Bartender: Uh... "cause I don't need 'em" anymore. Patron: (confused) Wouldn't it make more sense to donate them to Goodwill or something? You know, provide some cheap glassware to the less affluent public? Bartender: (dismissing him) Nobody would buy used glasses from a bar, kid! Patron's Buddy: Well, hey, I would! Bartender: Oh, yeah? (Bartender hands him the next glass he was about to break. Patron's Buddy half-examines it.) Patron's Buddy: How much? Bartender: Mmm... two dollars. (Patron sets glass down, gets out his wallet, looks through it.) Patron: Ah, forget it man. I got no cash. (Bartender shrugs, takes the glass back, crashes it against the bar. Patron and his Buddy continue talking as more glasses are shattered...) [End of sketch.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
