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Mike ... Seth Meyers Jenny ... Amy Poehler Wedding Planner ... Maya Rudolph [Open in the office of a wedding planner. A young couple sits at a desk, talking with the planner.] Wedding Planner: So as you can see, we are now down to the final month before your big day. The wedding hall has been rented, the birdesmaid dresses are sewn, the cake has been ordered. I believe you are just about set. [She smiles, warmly] Oh, I'm so excited for the two of you. Jenny: [holding Mike's hand] We just wanted to stop by and thank you for all you've done. We couldn't have planned it all without you. Wedding Planner: Oh, no problem whatsoever. This is what I do. [She smiles again.] I've helped coordinate thousands of weddings, it's something I truly love. Jenny: But we would like your help with one last issue. Wedding Planner: Well, of course. I'm here to help with anything I can. Jenny: Well... we're having a bit of a problem deciding on our music list. You know, the songs that will be played when people enter and exit the ceremony? And the music as I walk down the aisle. Wedding Planner: Of course. This issue comes up from time to time. How can I help you? Jenny: Well, we can't seem to agree on any of it. Mike: Uh, I think a more accurate description would be: She won't let me use any of the songs that I want to use. Jenny: [bickering] Well, it IS my wedding. I just want to be surrounded by music I love on my big day. Mike: [bickering] But I'LL be there too! This will be the biggest day of my life! Shouldn't I have a say in what we get to play for our guests? Wedding Planner: Hold on there, you two. [She holds both of their hands.] This really shouldn't be a point of contention. It happens ALL the time. Of course, Jenny, this is YOUR special day. You've probably planned it in your head since you were a little girl. [Jenny smiles, nodding.] You deserve to have it the way that YOU want it. But you have to keep in mind that this is also Mike's special day, he is just a big a part of this as you are. [Mike smiles, nodding.] Surely there is some way you can come to a compromise, right? After all, you will be living as one for the rest of your lives. This will be your first big test. Jenny: [rolling her eyes] Well, why don't you just ask him what songs he wants to use? Maybe that will help you see my point. Mike: Hey, it's not my fault. I just have very specific tastes in music. I like a certain genre, and that's all I listen to. Wedding Planner: And that genre is...? Mike: Hardcore gangsta rap. The harder, the better. I love it, it's my life. Wedding Planner: [incredulous] You want to use hardcore rap music as your wife walks down the aisle? Mike: Well, not so much then, but maybe as people filter into the church. Give the ceremony a little, oh, I don't know. A little edge, ya know? Maybe a little down-home flava as the peeps is bustin' in. Wedding Planner: [confused] Well, I... uh... I suppose we can use the songs in some way. I often find that there's a solution to every problem. Jenny: [sighing] Just read her the titles of the songs you want to use. Mike: Oh, good idea. [He pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his back pocket and starts to read]. "Jackin' the bitch up." "Compton Killa." "Put da roll in tha hole." "Thuggin' nightz." "Kill the f'ing po-lice." And "Bitch, suck what I give ya/remix '96." [Mike crumples up his piece of paper and smiles, proudly. Silence greets this. The wedding planner looks at Jenny and gives a small shrug.] Wedding Planner: [speaking very slowly] Mike, I'm not sure that music is appropriate in a ceremony like this. Are you sure that's what you really want? Jenny: [crying softly] I don't want the word "bitch" used in my WEDDING music! Mike: [angry] Hey, I gave in on "I will always love you!" Why can't you at LEAST give in on "Warm Chocolate in Yo Ass?" Jenny: I don't want chocolate in anybody's ass! I just want normal wedding songs! [Jenny starts to cry.] Mike: [angry] This is music that I LIKE! I'm half of this ceremony, the planner even said so! If I want to use "Bonin' mah bitch" in my wedding, I should get to! This is be a two way street! [Jenny is completely in tears now. She is inconsolable.] Wedding Planner: [struggling with this discussion] Well, Jenny, would you be willing to compromise on ANY of Mike's songs? Jenny: [crying and talking] No! Mike: Well then I don't want any of HER songs. I don't like Celine Dion, it offends me. Take "My heart will go on" off the list. Gone! Kaput! Jenny: [anguished shriek, as if dying] NOOOOOO!!!! Mike: [sadistic] And now that I think about it, I'm not so sure I want anything from a Disney movie... maybe we can cut... Jenny: No! [sob] Please! [sob] Just stop! Wedding Planner: Mike, I'm not sure this is the most constructive way to solve this. Perhaps Jenny will give in... somewhat... if you have a specific compromise. Maybe we can start from there. Mike: Well, how about three of my songs? Can we do that? [Jenny is silent. She is pouting. She crosses her arms over her chest.] Wedding Planner: [trying her best] Well, Mike, let's start with one for now, okay? Maybe if you picked your very favorite, maybe Jenny would be willing to give in. That's a start, anyway. Mike: Okay, let me look. [He pulls out his list again, nodding at some, shaking his head at some, he mumbles to himself as he repeats the titles to himself.] Okay, my top choice is... "Gettin' me dat fine ghetto booty." Jenny: [rolling her eyes angrily] Oh come ON! Wedding Planner: [wincing] Are you sure that's the one you want? Mike: It's not as hardcore as it sounds. It's actually kind of sweet. Wedding Planner: [reluctantly] Can you at least sing me the first few lines, Mike? Maybe it isn't so bad. Mike: Okay, here goes. [He clears his throat]. Ready. [He breaks into a hardcore rap, very angry sounding]: Sticking mah (bleep) in the bitch Got my gat in my hand Those mother(bleep)ing (bleeps) went a bit too far They jacked up mah (bleep), so I went down hood Shot the (bleep) out of those mother(bleep)ers... Wedding Planner: [interrupting] Woah, woah, woah! Hold on there. Jenny: [in tears] I don't want any f-bombs in my wedding procession!! [she wails and sobs again.] Mike: [hurt] Hey, you didn't let me get to the good part! Wedding Planner: Uh, Mike, do you have any songs which don't involve profanity? Mike: [giggling] Uh, it's called gangsta rap. So, NO. [giggles and rolls his eyes.] Wedding Planner: No love songs? Something even remotely close to appropriate? Mike: Oh yeah, wait. [He reads off the list.] "Bitch got da drip." It's a love ballad. Jenny: [very angry] I DON'T WANT A SONG ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE IN MY WEDDING!!! Mike: [yelling] IT'S NOT, IT'S A SONG ABOUT HYGIENE! Jenny: [yelling back] YOU CAN'T USE THE WORD "BITCH"! I'VE TOLD YOU THAT!! Mike: [full-blown shouting] WELL THEN YOU CAN'T USE WHITNEY HOUSTON!! Wedding Planner: [trying to talk over them] Maybe we should just let this topic drop for now. Jenny: WE ARE GOING TO USE WHITNEY HOUSTON, SHANIA TWAIN, AND BUTTERFLY KISSES! THAT'S THAT! Mike: WELL, I'M USING "SLOPPY HOOCH" AND "GOIN' DOWN ON MAH HOG!" Wedding Planner: [almost shouting] I'm sorry, you two, but I have a three o'clock appointment coming in. We will have to finish this later. [She starts to shove the bickering couple out the door. They are oblivious, shouting song titles at each other the whole time.] Jenny: "I'LL NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART!" Mike: "DOGGIE STYLE SEXIN'!" Jenny: "HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE!" Mike: "SCREW ME HARD, GHETTO GANGSTA!" Jenny: "LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING!" Mike: "SHOOT THAT BITCH IN THA MOTHER(bleep)ING HEAD!" [The wedding planner finally shoves them out the door. She closes it and locks it. We can still hear shouting from outside the door. She returns to her desk and presses the button on her intercom.] Secretary: Yes? Wedding Planner: Uh, you can just go ahead and cancel the Price wedding. I got a pretty good hunch it's off. Secretary: Yes, ma'am. Very well. Wedding Planner: Make sure their check clears. And please don't let them back in the building. Secretary: As you wish. [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
