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Edward Pierre.....Darrell Hammond James L. Campbell.....Tracy Morgan Yao.....Chris Kattan [Scene: A talk show setup. The host sits to the left and there are two chairs beside him. They are empty. The show logo Overlooked Sports Superstars is superimposed over the screen as music plays.] [Logo and music fade as shot goes to closeup of the host Edward Pierre.] Edward Pierre: Hello and welcome to another edition of Overlooked Sports Superstars. I'm your host Edward Pierre. Fabulous aren't I? Our first guest is a legend. A man who is so great he shouldn't need an introduction...but I am required to give him one because you are all (shaking head) so ignorant. How come u're not watching basketball ignoramus? (chuckles) Anyways, I am pleased to introduce my first guest, Mr. James L. Campbell, 7 time U.S. Invitational Ping Pong Champion. Mr. Campbell please grace us with your presence. [James L. Campbell enters and, with ping pong paddle in hand, waves to the camera then sits down.] Edward Pierre: Hello Mr. Campbell. James L. Campbell: Just call me James. First off, I just want to thank you so much for having me Ed. Edward Pierre: Please, it is the people watching at home who should be thanking me.(looking into camera) Don't bother e-mailing because I don't even have an e-mail address.(James L. Campbell looks confused. Edward Pierre turns focus back on James L. Campbell.) You sir, are fabulous. You have won the U.S. Invitational Ping Pong Championship not once...not twice...not three times...not four times...not five times...not six times...not seven times...no wait, yes seven times. You've won it seven times!!! James L. Campbell: (nods and laughs a bit) Yes. Yes I have. My first championship was back in 91, then I won it 6 times straight from 94 to 99. Edward Pierre: At which time you retired. James L. Campbell: Yeah, actually I was holed up in my Y2K bunker. My supplies just ran out this summer. Glad to see y'all are still alive. Edward Pierre: You are truly a champion my good sir. Truly a champion. James L. Campbell: Thank you. Edward Pierre: Many of the sports writers who have covered your play over the years...and there have been far too few...have called you 'The Tiger Woods of Ping Pong.'. What do you say to that? James L. Campbell: (takes ping pong ball out of his pants. Bounces ball on paddle 5 times and stops. Into camera.) Let's see Tiger Woods do that! [Edward Pierre begins laughing hysterically. He almost falls off his chair. He gasps for breath and pulls his shirt away from his neck which seems to help him stop laughing.] Edward Pierre: Hardly! (laughs a few more times and motions to James L. Campbell to continue.) James L. Campbell: No, but seriously. I think the reason people compare me to Tiger Woods is because they're racist bastards. It's sad but true. Edward Pierre: And there's nothing funny about racism. (looks into camera and whispers angrily.) You bastards. (turns his attention to James L. Campbell again.) James L. Campbell: Yeah, I mean nobody goes around calling Michael Schumacher the Wayne Gretzky of Formula 1 do they? Edward Pierre: Well said, well said. Ha ha, if you sir were any more wry I'd slap a piece of bologna in you and eat you up! You know who you are? James L. Campbell: Excuse me? Edward Pierre: You are the James L. Campbell of Ping Pong sir! That's who you are. (James L. Campbell smiles) (into camera) And don't you ever forget it!(to James L. Campbell) Tell us, what first attracted you to Ping Pong? James L. Campbell: Actually, it was video games. My brother had this old video game console called Pong. I remember my first time playing it. Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep-bleep. Oh man, after I won that first point I knew I wanted to dedicate my life to knocking something back and forth until I scored. I settled on Ping Pong. Edward Pierre: Thankfully! For you sir were exactly what the sport needed. You brought an element to the sport that had never been there before. Let's take a look shall we. (zoom in on TV screen and cut to taped segment) [begin taped segment. Scene: Ping Pong Tournament. Upper body shot of James L. Campbell. Super U.S. Ping Pong Invitational Championships 1989.] James L. Campbell: (putting ping pong balls up his shirt.) Look Yao. I'm your mama. Ha ha your mama is so flat she could cut one of these ping pong balls in half, put some string through the pieces and wear it as a bra. Ha ha. James L. Campbell V/O: Ha ha. This is my first championships and I'm making fun of my opponents mama. She had the smallest boobies I had ever seen. [Cut to Yao who looks angry.] [Cut back to regular scene.] James L. Campbell: Ha ha, that was hilarious. He was so mad. Edward Pierre: But not enough to throw him off his game? James L. Campbell: No. He was pretty ticked and he gave me a serious butt whopping that day. We did meet again in 91 though. Edward Pierre: Yes, let's take a look at that. [Begin taped segment. Scene Ping Pong Tournament. Upper body shot of James L. Campbell. Super U.S. Invitational Ping Pong Championships 1991. James L. Campbell is playing and obviously getting beat badly as the announcer keeps saying 'Point Yao' as voiceover is said.] James L. Campbell V/O: Okay here you see I'm getting my butt whopped pretty badly. I knew I had to do something to throw him off his game. It's coming up...now. [James L. Campbell attempts to paddle the ping pong ball but instead lets go of the paddle and it flys over the net at head level. Cut to shot of Yao holding his face. Pan out for shot that shows the two of them at the table.] James L. Campbell: Oops. Sorry man. It slipped. [Yao looks very very angry. They begin playing. The same scene is repeated with the same camera shots. Next part with both in view.] James L. Campbell: Damn, I'm such a butterfingers today. [Yao jumps on top of the ping pong table, then jumps over the net and then onto James L. Campbell.] [End taped segment. Cut back to regular scene.] James L. Campbell: That brings back a lot of memories Ed. Edward Pierre: Yes I'm sure it does, for that was your very first championship victory. James L. Campbell: Yeah. Yao was disqualified for unsportsmanlike conduct. That just made the victory that much sweeter. Edward Pierre: Like cherries covered with marsala. Mmmm mmmm. Now let's take a look at how you celebrated that victory. [Begin taped segment. James L. Campbell is on top of the ping pong table. His paddle is on fire and the ping pong net is drapped around his neck. He is sitting and wiggling his fingers above the paddle a la Jimmy Hendrix while it burns. Cut back to studio.] Edward Pierre: Amazing. Stunning. Beautiful. (to camera) Shut your mouth. (to James L. Campbell) How does watching that make you feel? James L. Campbell: Well, it was my little tribute to Jimmy Hendrix. Looking back, I'm not sure if it was worth the two year suspension I got, but what the hell. Edward Pierre: What the hell indeed. Brilliant. Positively brilliant. And now, some eleven years later, you find yourself favored to yet again win the tournament? James L. Campbell: Yeah. I'll admit there's a lot of new talent out there and I'm a little nervous. I just hope I'm not so nervous that my hands get all sweaty and I(paddle goes flying out of his hand. Sound effect of somebody hitting the floor.) Oops. Heh heh. Edward Pierre: You sir are a scoundrel. Don't ever change Mr. Campbell, don't ever change.(begins to tear up.) James L. Campbell: Hey man, are you okay? Edward Pierre: I...I suppose, it's just that...it's time to go and...u deserve so much more time... James L. Campbell: Hey dont' worry about it. Thank you for having me. Tell you what, maybe I'll come back after I've won the championship. Edward Pierre: Alright I suppose. It's just that there's so much overlooked talent. People can be soo cruel.(to camera) Goodnight cruel audience.(to James L. Campbell) Goodnight and thank you fair champion..(begins crying.) [James L. Campbell puts his arm around Edward Pierre then turns to the camera and shakes his fist. Super Overlooked Sports Superstars.] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
