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Wife.....Amy Poehler Husband.....Jeff Richards Divorce Lawyer.....Robert DeNiro [ open on pan scene of cars sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic ] [ dissolve to interior, Husband and Wife in economy car ] Wife: [ exasperated ] You couldn't avoid the traffic, could you? Husband: Honey, it's bumper-to-bumper all over town! And the ongoing construction doesn't help matters any. Wife: If you were a real man, you wouldn't have gotten us stuck in traffic. Husband: What does my gender have to do with gridlock? Look in that car up there.. [ points ] ..driven by a man! That car behind us.. [ points ] ..a man! Next to us.. man.. man.. man! Wife: And do I look like I'm attracted to any of them right now? Husband: Well, I'll be honest, I really don't know what you're getting at right now. Wife: I'm saying that I'm sick and tired of you always getting us stuck in traffic! Husband: Well, what am I supposed to do about it now? All we can do is wait it out! Wife: [ folds arms in disgust ] I want a divorce! Husband: What? Wife: I said I want a divorce! Husband: What's that supposed to prove! Wife: If I wouldn't have married you then, I wouldn't be stuck in traffic now! Call Henry. Husband: What's Henry going to do? We're stuck in traffic, we'll never make it to his office before he closes. Wife: Henry makes house calls. Just tell him where we're at. Husband: Unbelievable! [ pulls out cell phone and dials ] Hello, Henry? Oh.. Henry's secretary. Yeah, put Mr. Miller on, please? I'll hold. [ a beat ] Hey, Henry. Yeah, same old thing. No, we're stuck in traffic out on I-95. Uh.. [ peers out window ] I'm seeing mile marker 315. Yeah. Whatever you think you can do, yeah.. there's some things I'd rather not know. Yeah, okay, I'll tell her. Bye. [ hangs up ] He's on his way. Wife: How soon can he be here? Husband: How do I know? We're not moving, what do you expect him to do - skydive from a helicopter? [ suddenly, a thunk is heard on the roof above, as the windows are draped with a giant dropcloth. The dropcloth is quickly pulled away, as the couple's Divorce Lawyer enters car through the back seat ] Divorce Lawyer: Alright, now what's this all about? You drag me out of the office into the freezing cold while I'm in the middle of trying to bang a client.. You know how much I'm gonna have to charge you? What is this for? Husband: [ relunctant ] Well.. it's the traffic? Divorce Lawyer: Yeah? What I look like, a friggin' police officer? You want I should issue citations to everyone who's keeping you from where you're going? Husband: No. But Marie wants out of the marriage. Wife: Paul's always getting us stuck in traffic! Divorce Lawyer: [ nodding like a jackass ] What, you think it's just you stuck in traffic. [ points out back window ] Lookit all these muckity-schmucks behind you! Construction everywhere.. Why you bothering me? You got a problem, sue the city! Wife: Well, I guess it's about more than just traffic, really. Divorce Lawyer: Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. This makes my inconvenience worthwhile. Okay, let's get some juices flowing! What are we talking about here? Extramarital affairs? In-laws? Come on, come on! Help me out here! Wife: I don't know.. it's just.. things. Divorce Lawyer: Come on! You're jerking me around! What kind of things?! Wife: Well, like.. well, I'm just going to come out and tell you. Paul snores in his sleep! Husband: [ punches steering wheel ] Not this again! Wife: Well, you do! Divorce Lawyer: Fine! I will personally purchase for Paul some nasal strips - and he either puts them on his nose, or I put them down his throat! Capiche? Now, what else we got? Wife: Well, another complaint I've got is that Paul always leaves the toilet seat up in the middle of the night. Husband: Oh, that is so cliche! What are you expecting? You use it down twice as much as I possibly can! Everything you do in there has to be done sitting! And, sometimes, what I have to do sitting, I do standing, anyway! If possible, I just squat in an upright position and let 'er rip! Wife: [ aghast ] You take a dump standing? Husband: Hey! I don't know where your ass has been all day! Public toilets in town, who knows? Wife: So lay down some toilet paper! What is your problem?! Divorce Lawyer: [ shakes head ] I can't believe I keep you people for clients. You're almost too stupid to have even found one another in the first place. And, yet, you have. You got a beautiful marriage, but you gonna throw it away over toilet seats and snoring? Let's get to some real issues. [ turns to Paul ] Paul, do you jerk off? Husband: I-I-I'm.. I'm married.. Divorce Lawyer: That's not what I asked! I asked if you jerk off! Husband: Well.. [ lowers head in shame ] Yes.. Divorce Lawyer: [ nods enthusiastically ] That's what I thought. A little friendly with the saus-ige, Paul? [ turns to Marie ] Marie, does this bother you that Paul handles his own saus-ige? Wife: Well.. not really. At least it lets me watch Conan O'Brien uninterrupted. Divorce Lawyer: [ points finger at Marie and shakes it merrily ] He's good! He's good! Husband: [ desperate ] But I only fantasize about Marie. Divorce Lawyer: That is sick! Sick, Paul, do you hear me? Sick! Wife: [ smiling ] You fantasize about me when you masturbate? Paul, that's so sweet! Husband: I didn't think you would approve. Wife: But I do. You know, maybe we're going to be okay, after all! Divorce Lawyer: [ throws hands in the air ] I've been trying to tell you kids for years, the cornerstone to a good marriage is the ability to communicate - to convey feelings to one another - and to pri-or-i-tize. Should I break it down in Latin, or do you get the basic rundown? Wife: You mean, we should take more notice of one another's feelings before we act irrational? Divorce Lawyer: [ smirks ] What I said? [ car behind them honks ] Divorce Lawyer: Hey! Stugots! Traffic's moving. Husband: Well, it's about time. Divorce Lawyer: Let me guess - you kids going to the mall? Wife: Yeah. How did you know? Divorce Lawyer: How did I know? It's friggin' three weeks before Christmas! You don't want to get stuck in traffic, do your gift shopping in July! Sheesh! Come all this way for stupidity, what should I expect? Listen up, I'm gonna tell you two words to save your marriage. Two words, are you ready? "Gift Certificates". Husband: [ thinking ] That's three words.. Divorce Lawyer: No, it's two. "Certificates" is just a big word. Don't let it frighten you. Now.. I can't get back to the helicopter from here, so you gotta give me a ride. Husband: Sure. Where to? Divorce Lawyer: I'll tell you where to. There's a whorehouse off Exit 214. That'll do. Husband: Okay. Divorce Lawyer: [ thinking ] Hey, Paul.. you wanna come along? You can watch me and jerk off the ol' saus-ige. [ makes famous masturbating hand gesture ] Husband: No, that's alright.. I've got Christmas shopping to do. Divorce Lawyer: Whipped! Balls in the nutcracker! Wife: Hey, Henry, don't go too far, because Valentine's is just around the corner, and, knowing Paul, I'm bound to get another electrical appliance this year. Husband: [ sighs, smacks head on steering wheel, emitting horn blast ] Sorry. Divorce Lawyer: Hey, you awake now? Come on, get me to the whorehouse so I can show one of Santa's little bitches the North Pole. Husband: Yes, sir.. [ camera pans right to make car appear to be turning off-screen to the left ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
