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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Colin Quinn .....Keanu Reeves (on tape) Leo DiCaprio.....Seth Meyers .....Robert DeNiro (Fade in) Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. On Thursday, Sen. Strom Thurmond had a birthday. Scientists have been researching and have concluded, that: Yes, Strom Thurmond is now officially older than water. Jimmy Fallon: Last week, Eminem's childhood home was auctioned and sold on eBay for the sum of $ 13 million. In a related story, Vanilla Ice scrunched up enough change from his couch cushions to buy his next '40 oz'. A 50-year-old scientist burned his penis on a lab top counter. Apparently, the scientist was trying to determine what really is in hot dogs. Tina Fey: Last week, a narrative, written by Thailand's king, about his pet dog, sold hundreds of thousands of copies within hours. A similar event occurred in China, when an unknown author put out a book about how to cook the Thanksgiving meal. The book was titled “Cats...Mmm, Mmm Good!” (Tina makes a kitten meow sound into the camera) ABC execs are scratching their heads trying to figure out why "Alias" has yet to become a ratings smash. Maybe because many television viewers known the show as “Alias; a.k.a. the show that no one watches”. Jimmy Fallon: Courtney Cox Arquette went back to being just Courtney Cox and now some people wonder if she and David Arquette were having marital problems. Well, Courtney did admit this week, that there are a few problems with the marriage. One that stands out is, she's married to David Arquette! And now, returning to Weekend Update is our good friend, Joe Blow! Colin Quinn: Okay, thanks Jimmy! In local new – you know I can't do this! Jimmy, Tina, it's really me…Colin Quinn. I am really here to use this forum to talk about Comedy Central and Cable TV, in general. Okay, I recently signed a deal with Comedy Central to do a half-hour comedy showcase program after the Daily Show. For Comedy Central's sake, I hope it works. Comedy Central's got some tough times ahead. At the end of next year, their contract with NBC and Saturday Night Live is up. They will lose about 25% of their programming. Do you realize 1 out of every 4 times you flip to Comedy Central, SNL is on. That's what I'm talkin' about! My question to Comedy Central is why are you pickin' me? My last show bit the dust! Whose fault was that? You be the judge…I'm getting a bit off track. More of Comedy Central's problems: It's rumored that The Man Show will be moving to ABC. But that's not where Adam & Jimmy want to be, even if my new show does eat it, hard! National television isn't ready for the juggys! Jimmy and Adam could go to E! But then they would be slated next to a ditzy, busty blonde and the Man Show wouldn't want that. They could go to MTV, but then they would be slated between an incoherent rock jockey and retarded stuntman. Which I never realized until now, that if you put Ozzy Osborne and Johnny Knoxville together, you do kinda get The Man Show guys. Comedy Central finally cancelled The Battle Bots debacle. Which went on for 3 seasons way too long. Oh, by the way, Battle Bots was on for 3 seasons. Anyhow, just a comment to Jon Stewart, you should choose if you are gonna stay with Comedy Central or get the hell out. Remember when Craigers left the Daily Show and he took “5 Questions” with him. Does anybody really watch the Late Late Show? No one watched it with Tom Snyder, and no one watches it with Craig Kilborn. Jon, if you leave, no one is gonna remember you. But if you stay, you will be taken seriously in Hollywood. Oh, god, there I go, ranting like my name is Dennis Miller. I'm done! Jimmy Fallon: Quinny, Any last words of wisdom? Colin Quinn: Yeah, I think everybody should watch my new show on Comedy Central on Monday night, December 9th. It's called “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn”. Watch it! I'm Colin Quinn. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Jimmy Fallon: Colin Quinn, everybody! It has been reported that Lisa Ling will be leaving ABC's The View. This story doesn't bother me. The only reason I watch The View is for the show's G-Spot, Barbara Walters! Oh yeah, move over MILF, time for GMILF! The Osborne's second season premiered last week on MTV, with an estimated 6.66 million viewers. 666? Well, I guess Ozzy does have a deal with the devil! Tina Fey: Several Australian kindergartens have banned Santa Claus this Christmas for fear that he may be offensive to society. The kindergartens have created a group called “The Young Republican Aussies”. Jimmy Fallon: Like all great American traditions, the annual telecast of the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day began as a shrewd publicity stunt. The Detroit Lions forever lose every Thanksgiving game. This publicity stunt started as a message for America, “The Detroit Lions suck, your life doesn't!” Keanu Reeves will fill out a love triangle with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton in an untitled comedy that marks one of three films Reeves will shoot next year. Sadly, this will be the only good movie Reeves will do next year. The McDonald's Corporation is trying to kill a controversial – wait, this just in! We now go to Tina Fey with this late breaking story. Tina Fey: The new untitled comedy that Keanu Reeves will do, that IS supposed to be good, will not be good, makin' this the 3rd year in a row, Keanu Reeves doesn't come out with a good movie. (video clip of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) Keanu Reeves: Wow! (Camera fades back into the Weekend Update set) Tina Fey: This has been a late breaking story! Jimmy Fallon: In Amsterdam this week, the first Dutch cannabis café opened. With stoner tradition, someone called the café asking for a guy named Dave, to which the dude replied, “Dave's not here, man!” Tina Fey: And now here with a point/counterpoint are two notable names: first, a legendary film actor from “Raging Bull” to “Meet the Parents”, Robert DeNiro; next, he's a Hollywood pretty boy, from “Titanic”, Leo DiCaprio. Welcome gentlemen! DeNiro & Leo: Thank you, Tina, Jimmy! Tina Fey: Tonight's issue: Robert DeNiro is a golden god! Jimmy Fallon: Leo sucks major ass! Leo, please start. Leo DiCaprio: Okay, thank you, Jimmy. I do not suck major ass. This is a misconception made by Hollywood because my movie “The Beach” flopped for no major reason. This misconception was also created when James Cameron publicly stated he would never work with me, again. Tina Fey: Okay, Mr. DeNiro, your comments? Robert DeNiro: Leo, you ignorant slut! The conceptions are not misconceptions. You suck! Hollywood may consider you a “bombshell”. But guess what, in about 3 years, 5 if you are lucky, you will be known as Hollywood's Bomb King, “the king of B movies”. Look at Chevy Chase! When he left this show, he fizzled! People know you from Titanic. You are just a member of “Hollywood's One Hit Wonders”. You will be lucky if E!'s True Hollywood Story isn't knocking on your door within the next week. Tina Fey: Leo? Leo DiCaprio: I feel faint! Robert, you don't understand…I'm the King of the World! (Faints on the update desk, crying his eyes out) Robert DeNiro: And to think, I was gonna introduce you to my daughter. You are not the king of the world, you frickin' egomaniac! Here are the keys to my hotel! Go there and wait! I'll get Billy Crystal to help you and your “emotional problems”. Oh yeah, stay out the mini bar! Tina Fey: Robert DeNiro and a sorry excuse for a man, ladies and gentlemen! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. (Jimmy chucks his pencil at the camera and cracks the lens) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
