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Welcome to Walmart, Asswipe!
written by: J.P. Ragan


Tony the Greeter.....Robert DeNiro
Customer #1.....Seth Meyers
Customer #2.....Jeff Richards
Old Lady.....Rachel Dratch
Customer #4.....Darrell Hammond
Reggie.....Chris Kattan
Manager.....Horatio Sanz
Other Tony.....Fred Armisen


[Scene: A Walmart entrance that leads into the mall. The shot is looking outwards towards the mall but pointing so that Tony the Greeter is in 3/4 profile. Tony the Greeter looks like a mobster in a Walmart vest. Customer 1 walks into shot from mall.]

Customer #1: Hello. (walks past Tony the Greeter then stops and walks back.) I said hello. (silence) You know, I'm a public school teacher and I pull in like 15,000 a year! That's like twice what you make. I will not be snubbed by the likes of u!

Tony the Greeter: You talkin' to me?

Customer #1: I don't see anybody else here so I guess so. Now do I have to go get the manager or are you gonna greet me.

Tony The Greeter: (half-heartedly) Hey, how ya doin'.

Customer #1: Okay I teach English and...I don't think that was English, ese! Now try it again so as I can understand it.

Tony The Greeter: (grabs Customer 1 by the throat) How's this. Welcome to Walmart a**wipe!

[Tony the Greeter pushes him away. Customer 1 adjusts his clothes.]

Customer #1: (dignified) Better.

[Exit Customer 1. Customer 2 walks into store from mall carrying a large shopping bag.]

Tony The Greeter: Wo wo wo there chief, that's a mighty big bag you got.

Customer #2: Yeah, the toy store was out of small bags. I bought a yo-yo and I have to carry it in this. I suppose you want to tag it.

Tony The Greeter: Don't suppose nothin' alright? Damn, you got a lot of room in that bag. you could fit a freakin' VCR in that bag.

Customer #2: Yeah I guess. I mean it does have a lot of room...I could fit everything I want to buy here in it. Save you guys a bag maybe.

Tony The Greeter: I don't think so, cause I'm taggin it. you got a problem with me tagging your bag.

Customer #2: No, not at all.

Tony The Greeter: (mockingly.) No, not at all. [strongly]I'm tagging it three times. (He rips three pieces of Walmart tagging tape and tapes the mouth of the bag shut.) Alright. (noticing something) Wait, wait one second. Look here. you got a hole in the side of the bag. Damn what if the hole were to magically get bigger. (rips hole open) Well looky looky, easy access to all that room again.

Customer #2: What?

Tony The Greeter: Don't play dumb with me. (takes fruitcake off the shelve and stuffs it into the bag) Did you pay for that fruitcake?

Customer #2: No of course not you just picked it up and put it in my bag.

Tony The Greeter: (taking out fruitcake.) Yeah, I beat you to it. (takes tagging tape and begins to wrap and wrap it around the bag until it's a small little roll covered in tagging tape.) There. Next time u come into my store with that much space in your bag, (holding up tagging tape covered bag.) that's gonna be you in a river. you understand?

Customer #2: (nervously) Uhhh...yessir. Sorry.

[Tony the Greeter throws bag at Customer 2 as he exits. Enter Reggie]

Reggie: Hey, I saw that! You can't treat customers that way. I'm going to get the manager.

[Tony the Greeter shakes his head as Reggie exits. Old Lady walks past Tony the Greeter on the way out of the store.]

Tony The Greeter: Wo wo wo, where you think you're going blue hair. (he grabs her arm and twists it behind her back. You see the side of Tony the Greeter's face and the side of Old Lady's face as they talk with their backs turned towards camera.) You got pretty nice jugs for an old lady. Either that or your bra is holding more booty than booby.

Old Lady: Well I never. I have never stolen anything in my entire life...hey what are you doing.

[Tony the Greeter has hold of Old Lady from behind. He moves his hands up shirt of Old Lady. Shot moves to upper torso so motion is mostly suggested.]

Tony The Greeter: Well, if you've got nothing to hide then you won't mind me checking things out for myself.[pause as he moves his hands around. you don't see it but it's suggested darnnit. Old Lady has odd look on face.] Hmmm...well I was half right, the bra IS carrying something that's been lifted. Damn, they feel real nice.

Old Lady: Yeah, I got tired of walking around with them tucked into my pants. I said 'What the hell may as well get these babies put back where they belong.'

Tony The Greeter: Ya did good. Ya did good.

Old Lady: I was thinking of having my butt done as well.

Tony The Greeter: (looking downwards) Ah, it looks fine to me. If that was backing up towards me, I wouldn't get out of the way. you know what I'm sayin'.

Old Lady: [bashful]Oh you...

Voiceover Manager: What the hell is going on here!

[Shot widens to reveal Manager and Reggie. Tony the Greeter lets Old Lady go. She looks at the manager then at Tony the Greeter. She slaps Tony the Greeter.]

Old Lady: Fresh!

[exit Old Lady walking like a runway supermodel.]

Manager: That's it. I know I asked Vincenzo to send some of his boys over to help me find the mole but this is not working out. I can't have you accosting the customers.

Reggie: Vincenzo? Mole? What r you talking about?

Manager: Well, I'm certain one of the employee's is a mole. The competition seems to know every move I make. Every sale, every promotion. To be frank they're kicking our butts. The head office is gonna have my job for this. I hired some friends of the family to help me find the mole but this isn't working out. I'm sorry Tony.

Tony The Greeter: Well alright if you don't wanna know who the mole is...

Manager: You mean you know who it is?

Tony The Greeter: Yeah, and I think Reggie knows too.

Reggie: What? Oh man, this guy is crazy. you saw him feel up Old Lady Simpson. I mean c'mon.

[Tony the Greeter grabs Reggie and tears his blue vest and shirt off. Underneath are another shirt and a red K-mart vest.]

Manager: I can't believe it!

Reggie: No, wait I can explain...it's a halloween costume.

[Tony the Greeter whistles and makes a 'come here' motion to Other Tony off camera.]

Manager: A halloween costume in December?

Reggie: Yeah I forgot to take it off! That's all. You gotta believe me...[Enter Other Tony with a fancy three piece suit and blue Walmart vest. He grabs Reggie and starts dragging him away.]...no please no!

[exit Other Tony and Reggie.]

Manager: I'm so sorry for doubting you Tony. Thank u. As a bonus, whatever you want from the store...50 percent off!

Tony The Greeter: Ahh forgetaboutit. But hey, how about you let me finish my shift. you okay with that?

Manager: Heh heh. No problem. With Reggie missing I'm short staffed anyways. you can stay as long as you like. See ya later and thanks again man.

[Exit Manager. Customer 4 walks out into mall through security rails.]

Computerized Voiceover: (beeping noise) We're sorry. We seem to have forgotten to remove the security tab from your purchase. Please return to the cashier's for assistance.

[Customer 4 stops, looks at his bag, turns around and shrugs. Tony the Greeter shakes his head. He takes out a handgun with a silencer and shoots Customer 4 several times. He puts gun away and makes 'come here' motion to thugs offscreen.]

Tony The Greeter: (nodding head) I think I'm gonna like it here.

[Fade out to AC/DC's 'Dirty Deeds' song.]


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