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Announcer...James Downey ...The "You've Got Mail" Guy User #1...Chris Parnell User #2...Seth Meyers User #3...Amy Poehler User #4/Himself...Al Gore (OPEN ON A COMPUTER SCREEN BEING TURNED ON, SCREEN SHOWS THE "AMERICA ONLINE" LOGO.) The "You've Got Mail" Guy: "Welcome" Announcer: Introducing the new America Online. A version so new, so slightly faster and so slightly more powerful, that it had to be called (SUPER) "Version 8.5". Here's what people are saying about new AOL 8.5... User #1: It's a little bit easier than 8.0, (SARCASTICALY) Now I can get useless junk mail at about 1/10th faster than my old, crummy 8.0! The "You've Got Mail" Guy: "You've got Junk Mail!" (AOL LOGO SWOOSHES BY) User #2: (SARCASTICALY) Oh yeah, this thing is great! I go to play games on one site, Just one! Then all of a sudden, I'm getting these pop-up ads about women sticking cattle prods up their butts, stupid Internet! The "You've Got Mail" Guy: "You've got Porno" (LOGO SWOOSHES BY) User #2: I did mention the cattle prods, right? The "You've Got Mail" Guy: "You've got Masochistic Porno." Announcer: All of your favorites are in new version 8.5, like "Instant Messenger." User #3: Um, yeah! About this new "AOL Instant Messenger", the damn thing takes 10 minutes just to get the words "Hi, How are you doing" to my friend's computer! (CUT TO A SHOT OF AN HOURGLASS POINTER. USER #3 IS FURIOUS, SHE STARTS TO HIT THE KEYBOARD ABUSIVELY, NOTHING HAPPENS.) User #3: GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (USER #3 PROCEEDS TO THROW HER COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW.) The "You've Got Mail" Guy: (FAINTLY) "You've got...No computer. Goodbye" Ugh! (BUSTED COMPUTER SCREEN SHUTS DOWN, AOL LOGO SWOOSHES AGAIN) User #4: AOL 8.5 is the worst thing I have seen since George W. Bush's Tax cut! I can't even get into my own website! I hate this thing so much, I hate what it's become! (COCKS SHOTGUN) And I--of all people--should talk, I invented the damn internet. PULL! (COMPUTER SEEN FLYING TROUGH THE SKY, SHOTGUN FIRES, COMPUTER EXPLODES.) User #4: Whew, I haven't felt this good since I frenched Tipper at the 2000 convention. (CUT TO A 4 WAY SPLIT SCREEN OF THE USERS IN THEIR VARIOUS SCENES) Announcer: OK, so some people have problems with the AOL new version 8.5, but that doesn't mean you won't. (SUPER, SPOKEN FAST) Chances of computer crashing with new AOL Software: 12 to 1. (NORMAL) C'mon America, give it a try! AOL New version 8.5, (SUPER) "So easy to use, no wonder it's number one..." (FADE OUT) What? You want me to read this? OK...(FADE IN, SUPER) "So easy to use, no wonder it's number 23!" Whew, what a dive. That's it, I'm switching to "Verizon". The "You've Got Mail" Guy: "Goodbye!" (SCENE FADES OUT IN THE STYLE OF A COMPUTER SCREEN SHUTDOWN) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
