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Husband.....Tracy Morgan Bride.....Horatio Sanz Phil.....Chris Parnell Susan.....Amy Poehler [Scene: Apartment. There is a couch and a couple of chairs on either side which face the camera. Doorbell rings.] Husband: Phil...Susan. Good to see you guys. I'm so glad you could make it. Phil: We wouldn't have missed it for the world Marty. Susan: So, where is she? Phil: Yeah, where's the new missus? Husband: She's in the bathroom getting ready I think. you know how women are. [Husband winks at Phil. Susan phony fakes being mad. They chuckle as Husband exits scene.] Susan: This is so weird. I can't believe Marty had to get a mail order bride. And from Afghanistan of all places? Aren't we at war with those people? Phil: No no, you're thinking of Iraq...or is it Iran...I'm always getting those two mixed up. [Enter Husband] Husband: Alright you guys...here she is... [Enter Bride. Bride is dressed in a burqa. ie) she's covered head to toe. Bride swaggers into room begrudgingly. Phil and Susan look a little stunned. The Bride walks around Susan as though checking her out. Susan moves forward as Bride grabs her butt.] Susan: Heh heh. Did she just...grab my ass? Husband: Yeah, I think it's some kind of Afghani greeting or something. Check it out. [Bride is bending over, motioning at 'her' own butt.] Susan: What? you don't expect me to... Phil: Honey. you don't want to offend her. Susan: What was her name? Husband: Where are my manners. Moolah this is Susan. Susan, Moolah. She doesn't speak much English. [Husband looks at Susan like she's supposed to be grabbing Bride's butt.] Susan: (grabbing Bride's butt) Nice to...meet....u Moolah. Husband: And this is Phil. Phil, Moolah. Phil: Nice to meet... [Phil makes motion like he's about to grab Bride's butt. Bride hits Phil with a right cross.] Susan: Phil! What were you thinking. I'm so sorry Moolah. I'm sorry Marty. Phil: Yes. I don't know what I was thinking. Husband: It's all right, I understand. It's a little difficult dealing with the cultural differences. I mean she's the one always leaving the toilet seat up if you can believe that!(nervous laughter from Susan) Have a seat you guys. [Phil sits down on chair while Susan sits down on couch close to him. Marty sits down on opposite side of couch. Susan looks over at Bride who is 'adjusting herself''. Susan looks creeped out.] Husband: Come on baby. (taping lap)Have a seat. (Bride walks over and sits on Husband.) Yeah that's the stuff. I tell u...(cuddling bride) I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her. Susan: Heh heh...that's so...so... Phil: Sweet. Susan: Yeah, that's it...sweet. Husband: Oh hey, speaking of sweet, I have some pastries in the kitchen. (getting up)Tell you what, I''ll go get us a little snack. Phil: Why don't you run along and help him honey. I'll stay here with Moolah.(raises hands) I won't try anything I promise. [They all share a laugh.] Phil: So Moolah. Do you like it here in America? Oh right you can't understand a word I'm saying can u.(moving over to sit next to her on the couch.) U can't understand when I tell you how badly I want u.(rubbing jaw) I like a woman who can play rough. And damn if you aren't one hell of a woman. My wife eats only vegetables and fish. She's so damn skinny I swear sometimes it's like making love to Don Knotts. Nobody should have to live that way. (rubbing his hand on her leg)U probably just married loveable old Marty so you could get into the country. (looking downwards) Oh my goodness...those ankles. [Phil jumps on top of Moolah. Moolah quickly takes control and begins pummeling Phil. Susan and Husband enter from Kitchen.] Susan: Phil! What's going on here. [Bride looks up then quickly runs over to Marty and puts 'her' head on his shoulder.] Phil: Wow. Susan: Phil! What's the meaning of this! Phil: I'm sorry Susan. Really I didn't mean for this to happen. Susan: Dammit Phil you told me you had the sexual addiction licked. Phil: Aww c'mon baby. I'm sorry. Marty I'm so sorry. I really think this is the wake up call I needed. I am going to seek help immediately. Come here baby(hugging Susan). Wait a minute I just got a great idea! How about a foursome? Susan: Phil you disgusting pig! Husband: you better get out of here right now Phil. Susan: (walking over to Bride) I'm so sorry Moolah. I hope this doesn't cause you to think less of us Americans. We're not all sick perverts.(grabbing Bride's butt)Goodbye Moolah. Come on Phil, you piece of dog crap. Phil: Oh baby, you know I love it when you talk dirty. [Susan shakes her head in disgust. Exit Phil and Susan] Husband: you alright baby? Aww, don't be sad. I'm gonna make you forget all about that creep. Come on into the bedroom baby.(Bride pulls away.) you want to be alone for a bit. I understand. I'll go and get ready. (giving a sexy look)See you in a bit honey. [A few seconds pass. Bride looks to make sure that husband is gone. Bride takes off burqa to reveal that it was Mullah Omar all along. He takes out a cell phone and dials.] Bride: Osama? Yeah Osama, it's me Mullah. Mullah Omar dumbass. On my cell phone how else would I be calling u. Oh yeah, like I'm really sure they can track our conversations. you're paranoid man! Now listen, I made it to America. The plan of yours, for me to disguise myself as a woman, seduce and marry an FBI agent...it worked. I'm in. The intelligence is gonna start rolling in. What do you mean how did I make it to America. I just followed the plan. No, I didn't get searched I got flown over in a military jet.(pause)What do you mean it was a joke?(pause)Oh I get it. Another, let's screw around with Omar practical joke? So you strap dynamite to me, dress me up like a woman and laugh your asses off when I'm gone eh? What?(reaching into shirt. Takes out what looks to be a bunch of dynamite.)A bunch of Slim Jims taped together? you son of a bitch! Stop laughing! Yeah right, I'm sure it's the thin air up in the mountains making you giddy. you know Osama, I am so sick of the way that you treat me. I deserve better dammit. No, my burqa is not cutting off circulation to my gonads. Look I'm out all right. This whole Jihad thing was your idea, not mine. I don't know what I'll do, maybe I'll go to Argentina,...it worked for the Nazi's. Anyways, it's over between us.(pause) you leave Marty out of this, he's twice the man you'll every be. Good bye Osama. Good bye and good riddance! [Bride closes cell phone. He puts hand on doorknob as if about to leave the apartment.] Husband: (offscreen)Come on baby. you've been walking around all day. Don't tell me those sweet ankles of yours couldn't use a nice massage. [Bride stops, and then turns and looks at buraa lying on the couch. He goes over, picks it up and stares at it pensively then looks towards bedroom.] Husband: (offscreen)Come on darling. Let Marty make it all better. [Bride puts burqa back on.] Bride: Ah what the hell, an ankle massage is an ankle massage. [Fade Out to 'Jingle Bell Rock'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
