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Host/Emcee...Chris Parnell Barfly #1...Jeff Gordon Barfly #2 (AKA: Schmitty)...Fred Armisen Woman... Maya Rudolph Bartender...Tracy Morgan (OPEN ON TITLE CARD) Announcer: From St. Louis, Missouri, NBC, In association with the Annheiser-Busch Corporation, presents the latest inductees into the "Alco-Hall of Fame". Here is your host, Paul Dunphy... (EMCEE WALKS ON TO SET FILLED WITH VARIOUS PICTURES HUNG UP.) Host: Good evening I'm Paul Dunphy, Welcome to the "Alco-Hall of fame". Tonight, we take a look at a tale of inebriation so profound, that they deserve recognition in this sacred establishment. An establishment located conveniently across the street from the Budweiser Brewery, next door to Busch Stadium, and just a few blocks away from the Pro Bowling Hall of Fame. (WALKS OVER TO A PICTURE OF BARFLYS #1 & 2.) Our inductees tonight are a true story of invention, for had it not been for these fellows, two of the worst pick-up lines would have never been created. Their story takes place in the mid 1980s in a tavern just a few blocks from here, and it goes a little something like this... (RIPPLING FLASHBACK, SHOT OF A BAR, SUPER: "McGRADY'S PUB, 1985." CUT TO A SHOT OF A COUPLE OF DRUNKS AT THE BAR, SUPER: DRAMITIZATION.) Barfly #1: (SILGHTLY DRUNK) Hey Barkeep, get me another one! Bartender: Hey Man, I think you've had just about enough. Barfly #1: Oh yeah? well I think you should just go...(INAUDIBLE SLURRING) Bartender: Yeah, Whatever man! (TURNS TO BARFLY #2) What about You? Barfly #2: (JUST AS DRUNK AS #1) Gimmie another shot of "Daniels". Bartender: This is your 9th shot tonight, man! Barfly #2: Yeah, I need it! When you do the kind of work that I do, You need more booze than William Holden, god rest his soul. (CHYRON FLASHES: "DATED JOKE, ASK YOUR PARENTS.") Bartender: Oh yeah, What do you do? Barfly #2: I run a daycare center! Bartender: Damn, you do need this! Here, take the whole bottle man! (RUNS ALONG TAKING CARE OF OTHER DRINKS.) (1ST BARFLY NOTICING AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN) Barfly #1: Hey, Schmitty...Schmitty? (NOTICING THAT SCHMITTY ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION, HE MAKES A QUICK SLAP ON HIS HEAD.) Barfly #2: Whoa, whoa, What's going on? Barfly #1: Check out that Hottie, man. Barfly #2: Whoa, that's the ugliest chick I ever saw! Barfly #1: What are you talking about? Barfly #2: Call me crazy, but you don't really see a lot of Bald Chicks anymore. Barfly #1: Huh? (CUT TO A SHOT OF A BALD MAN) Barfly #1: No, no, no, next booth over. Barfly #2: Oh, (LOOKS OVER AT THE NEXT BOOTH) OOOOOOOOHHHHHH! Man, she is hot, and she has a full head of hair. I'm going for it! (BEGINS TO MAKE HIS WAY FOR THE WOMAN, #1 STOPS HIM.) Barfly #1: Wait a minute, what are you doing? I got first dibs. Barfly #2: The Hell you do, I'm going to work my magic first. Barfly #1: Wait, wait, wait. Why don't we flip a coin for it? Barfly #2: Fine, (TAKES OUT A COIN) Heads you go, Tails I go. (FLIPS COIN, COIN LANDS ON BAR FLOOR.) Awww, man! Barfly #1: Well, what is it? Barfly #2: I forgot my glasses, I can't see the coin! Barfly #1: What the hell are you talking about? You're wearing Glasses Right Now! Damn, your plastered! Barfly #2: Well either way, I'm not touching anything that fell on the floor of a bar. Barfly #1: Well what are we supposed to do now? Barfly #2: Well...Uh, Ok I got it! We Flip another coin to see who picks up the coin on the floor, and then that coin down there will determine who picks up the lady. Barfly #1: Fine, but this time, someone is going to catch the coin...Hey Barkeep! (BARTENDER WALKS OVER) Bartender: What do you want now? Barfly #1: Can you catch a coin for us? Bartender: Uh, sure, can I keep it afterwards? Barfly #1: (NOT REALIZING WHAT HE'S SAYING) Sure, why not? Ready? (FLIPS COIN, BARTENDER CATCHES COIN.) Bartender: It's Tails, man. (TO HIMSELF) Nudie Booth Here I come. Barfly #2: Aww, Man! Allright, I'll get the damn coin. (PICKS UP THE COIN) Barfly #1: So what is it? Barfly #2: I don't know, it's a guy with a drum and one of those patriotic hats. (BICENTENIAL QUARTER) Barfly #1: Oh, Uh... That means it's heads. Barfly #2: Are you sure? I thought that George Washington was Heads? Barfly #1: (TRYING TO THINK OF AN EXCUSE) Well, on those quarters, that means heads, So I guess this means I go first. Barfly #2: (SIGH) Go knock yourself out (BARFLY #1 WALKS OVER TOWARDS THE WOMAN) Barfly #1: Hey Beautiful. Woman: (RELUCTANTLY) Hey. Barfly #1: Are you from Tennessee? Woman: Uh, No. Why? Barfly #1: 'Cause you're the only "10" I see! (LAUGHS PATHETICALLY) Woman: Ugh! (PROCEEDS TO SPLASH HER DRINK INTO HIS FACE.) (BARFLY #1 WALKS BACK TO BAR, SOAKING WET WITH BOOZE) Barfly #1: Your turn. Barfly #2: Watch and learn... (BARFLY #2 PROCEEDS TO MAKE IS MOVE) Barfly #2: Hey Baby. Woman: (DISMISSIVELY) Hey. Barfly #2: This seat taken? Woman: Uh, no. (BARFLY #2 TAKES A SEAT) Barfly #2: Hey, y'know what? Woman: What? Barfly #2: (LOOKING IN HIS COAT POCKETS.) "I lost my Phone number, Can I have yours?" Woman: (LOOKS AROUND) Excuse me sir, can I borrow your beer? (GLASS OF BEER HANDED TO WOMAN) Thank you. (PROCEEDS TO POUR BEER ON BARFLY #2, WOMAN STORMS OUT.) (RIPPLE DISSOLVE BACK TO EMCEE) Emcee: And it was those two lines, Both the "Ten I see" and "Lost Phone Number" line that helped make way for such other favorites as "Are you from Pearl Harbor? Cause you are Da Bomb" and "Are you a Parking Ticket? Cause you've got 'Fine' Written all over you" in later years. And with that in mind, we would like to induct these two lushes in the "Alco-hall of Fame". Join us Next week, when we look at a drink sweeping the country, as the "Alco-Hall of Fame" presents "The 'Mind Eraser': One way ticket to a Ditch." For all of us here at the "Alco-Hall of Fame", I'm Paul Dunphy, good night. (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
