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Joe the Cigarette.....Tracy Morgan Teenage Chris.....Chris Kattan Teenage Seth.....Seth Meyers Teenage Dean.....Dean Edwards Teenage Amy.....Amy Poehler Teenage Jeff.....Jeff Gordon Teenage Avril.....Avril Lavigne Pre-Teen Jimmy.....Jimmy Fallon [Scene: Characters with Teenage Prefix are hanging out in the schoolyard. Teenage Jeff pulls out cigarette.] Teenage Amy: (disgusted) Like, where did you get that Jeff? Teenage Jeff: I downloaded it from Kazaa...where do you think? [Teenagers laugh] Teenage Seth: Cool. you can download free cigs off the internet now... Teenage Dean: What did I tell you to do less of. Teenage Seth: Talking. Teenage Dean: And what did I tell you to do more of? Teenage Seth: Keeping my mouth shut. [They begin roughhousing.] Teenage Amy: You guys are so immature. And you Jeff...you are a total lame-wad. Teenage Jeff: (puts cigarette in mouth) Really? Teenage Amy: Oh...[mood changes] you look so cool. [Teenage Amy starts kissing Teenage Jeff.] Teenage Avril: No! He's mine! [Teenage Amy and Teenage Avril are all over Teenage Jeff.] Teenage Jeff: Hey get off me, I'm trying to smoke, beotches! Teenage Seth: I want one! I want one! [Teenage Jeff passes out some cigarettes. Enter Joe the Cigarette who is dressed up as a giant cigarette and who is also smoking a cigarette.] Joe the Cigarette: Did I hear right? you're not supposed to be smoking! Teenagae Chris: Who...or what the hell are you supposed to be? Joe the Cigarette: My name is Joe Cigarette. (waving cigarette)I was created by the caring people at R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Comopany to help keep tobacco out of the hands of underaged people like you! (into camera close-up)Don't you know, tobacco is wacko...if you're a teen! Teenage Jeff: you're smoking. Joe the Cigarette: Do I look like a teenager. Hell no. I'm a responsible adult. (grabbing cigarettes away from teenagers.) I said Tobacco is wacko if you're a teenager! (lights up another cigarette so he's now smoking two cigarettes at once.) When y'all grow up then you can smoke your asses off and look damn cool doing it. Let me tell you, these little babies have landed me more tail than I can handle. (handing them a six pack of Budweiser)Right now though, you'll have to stick to drinking. All the Teenagers: Awwww. [Enter Pre-Teen Jimmy.] Pre-Teen Jimmy: Hey cool a giant cigarette. I wanna cigarrette mister! Joe the Cigarette: Ah Ah. you have to say the magic word. Pre-Teen Jimmy: Please. Joe the Cigarette: Please? Ha ha, what a stupid kid. It's abracadabra. Please...how many magicians have you seen say the word 'please' before they do a magic trick? I am personally embarrassed for you. (adjusts his cigarette costume and then turns towards teenagers) Anyways kids, like I was trying to say... Pre-Teen Jimmy: Abracadabra then. Just give me a damn cigarette old man! Joe the Cigarette: (angrily)Butt out kid! [Pre-Teen Jimmy looks sad] Joe the Cigarette: (puts arm around Pre-Teen Jimmy.) Hey Jimmy, that wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, that's just R.J. Reynold's new message to children. Butt out! Get it. Cigarettes are just like conversations that grown ups have. Instead of getting involved you need to just (looking into camera.) Butt out kids! Heh, cause you're just a stupid kid. Someday you'll grow up and then you can smoke like a big person...in the meantime here have a beer. Pre-Teen Jimmy: Thanks I guess. Teenage Seth: Waaaah, but I want to smoke now! Joe the Cigarette: (slaping Teenage Seth)Tobacco(slap)...is(slap)...wacko(slap. Then close-up into camera.) if you're a teen.(back to normal camera) But if drinking isn't enough for you then I have this to tide you punks over until you become mature responsible adults who have the right to smoke.(pulls out packs of what look like cigarettes.) Here you go. Here's one for you Jimmy. [Joe the Cigarette throws the pack over Pre-Teen Jimmy's head to taunt him. The pack flies offscreen and Pre-Teen Jimmy follows after it. Joe the Cigarette chuckles.] Teenage Jeff: Hey what are these? Joe the Cigarette: (opening a pack) These are starter cigarettes. They are perfect for immature teenagers who are too young to smoke. Or for any underage kids who need to (closeup)Butt out! Okay first here are some nicotine patches. Put these on.(hands out nicotine patches. Joe the Cigarette puts a starter cigarette in his mouth.) After you've applied the patch and that soothing nicotine starts entering your blood stream, you just blow on the starter cigarettes and white smoke comes out so it looks and feels like you're smoking. Kind of lame but good enough for teenagers. Teenagers: Cool. Thanks Joe! Joe the Cigarette: And what did we learn today? Teenagers: (loudly) Tobacco is wacko! Joe the Cigarette: (closeup. Delivered with Frank Sinatra cool attitude.)If you're a teen. [Teenagers begin puffing on their starter cigarettes. Pre-Teen Jimmy enters.] Pre-Teen Jimmy: And that all kids should just Butt out! Joe the Cigarette: (pushing Pre-Teen Jimmy out of scene.) Heh heh stupid kid. But he's right. (taking puffs from both his lit cigarettes.) Goodbye everybody. Teenagers: Goodbye Joe! [everyone is puffing on their starter cigarettes while voiceover plays and the message is superimposed over the scene as it is read.] Announcer: This has been a public service announcement from the good people at the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company. Because R.J. Reynolds cares about keeping cigarettes away from the underaged...and plus it's part of a court settlement. So to all our future smokers we just want to say one thing. Be patient and in the meantime... Teenagers: Butt Out! Announcer: Oh and please visit our website to find out more about our free cigarette starter packs! [Fade out to The Coors 'Breathless'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
