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Spokesman.....Chris Parnell
[ open on image of homeless man shaking his fist menacingly as he holds up a cardboard sign reading: "Hungry! Please give money!" ] Spokesman: A familiar scene. Rowdy vagrants out to get something for nothing. An old biblical proverb states, "Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but teach a man to fish, and he feeds himself." He wants a bite to eat, but instead of giving him a charity donation, why not give him food for thought. Now you can, thanks to Swenson's Fortune Cookies For The Homeless. One bag fits snugly in your glove compartment, not cramped for space like that vagrant in a locker at the bus station. When you see him standing on the corner yelling like a nutcase as he holds his misspelled cardboard sign, why not toss him a little something that will do him more good than he'll ever be able to realize. The bum will be cautious of the cookie, until he realizes it's an individually-wrapped food product, not a soggy mess at the bottom of a dumpster. And when he breaks the cookie in half to eat, he'll be surprised to discover the hidden fortune inside. Imagine how surprised he'll be when he finds the message within. [ Bum cracks open cookie, and reads the fortune inside ] [ show close-up of fortune: "One must have rags, if one is to have riches." ] [ stung, Bum raises his fist and tries to chase after the motorist who has long since sped away ] Spokesman: He may think his day is ruined, but yours is starting to look pretty good! [ other bums are shown eagerly breaking into a cookie, stopping to read the fortune they weren't expecting to find ] [ show close-up of fortune: "The meek shall inherit the earth; cursing hobos shall get nothing." ] [ stung, Bum raises his fist and tries to chase after the motorist who has long since sped away ] [ Spokesman holds a fortune to the camera ] Spokesman: How about this golden nugget? [ show close-up of other fortune: "He who can see the light, is standing closest to the blazing barrel." ] Spokesman: If our homeless friends can control their anger and outrage, they'll notice lottery tickets on the back of each fortune. [ turns fortune around to reveal winning lottery numbers ] In cooperation with your individual state's Lottery Commission, each homeless fortune cookie contains the actual winning lottery numbers in your area. Rigged in their favor? Hardly! Our research has determined that each bum will be so pissed by the catered fortunes, they won't even notice the winning lottery numbers. Imagine holding the ultimate handout in your very hands, and not doing a damn thing about it. Hey, these people are homeless for a reason - if you can't have fun with them, who can you have fun with? Fortune Cookies for the Homeless. Fun for you, and low in saturated fats for them. By the way, in case you were wondering, we considered lacing each cookie with deadly poison, but that just seemed too cruel - even for filthy urchins. Announcer: Fortune Cookies for the Homeless. Because sometimes there's more than just a noisy corner in your future. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
