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....Jeff Gordon ....Lorne Michaels ....Beth McCarthy Miller Team SNL technician #1....Jimmy Fallon Team SNL technician #2....Seth Meyers Team SNL technician #3....Horatio Sanz [As the SNL Band winds up the theme music, Jeff Gordon runs onto the Studio 8H stage. He is dressed in his NASCAR racetrack suit, a brightly colored neoprene number packed with sponsor's logos.] Jeff Gordon: Howdy everyone, I'm Jeff Gordon and welcome to Saturday Night Live. Most of you know me from the world of NASCAR racing, and for the few who didn't, maybe you figured it out from the racing suit I wear. It takes lots of money to run the Team Gordon organization, and we're lucky to have a great bunch of sponsors supporting us and making our success possible. [Gordon starts pointing to logo patches on his suit.] Jeff Gordon: We're proud of each of our sponsoring partners. Let's see, there's DuPont... Pepsi, there's that good ol' Pepsi swirl... Goodyear tires... Here's one we added recently: Audit-Buster tax preparation software. You don't have to be a NASCAR champion to want to save money on your taxes, and that's where Audit-Buster comes in. Their program will save you at least 20 percent off last year's taxes, guaranteed, and if you do happen to get audited, they'll help you through that. [Points to another logo patch] Jeff Gordon: Here's another sponsor y'all might not know about: Fresh Express. Many of my fans are women, and thank y'all for your support, but many women fans want hygiene products that combine reliability with fast application. That's where Fresh Express comes in: Their line of tampons, rinses and other hygiene aids will speed you along your day, fast and fresh. [Cut to the SNL control room, where we see Lorne Michaels and show director Beth McCarthy-Miller, both wearing Team SNL race-crew jackets. They're watching Jeff on the monitor with palpable concern.] Beth McCarthy Miller: Lorne, Gordon's running into some trouble. [points to a control panel] See this gauge - his monologue's running out of gas. He's got to pit out, so we can clamp him down with something tighter! Lorne Michaels: It's risky, but you're right - we've got to do it. I'll tell him. [Cut back to the stage.] Jeff Gordon: [pointing to another logo patch] So if you can find a low price on futons, Friendly Futons will refund you double the difference. That's Friendly Futons, with 53 locations across the Southeast and Pennsylvania. Lorne Michaels [v/o]: Jeff, it's Lorne. Hello Jeff, can you hear me? Jeff Gordon: Yes Lorne, is something wrong? Lorne Michaels [v/o]: I'm afraid your monologue is redlining, so you've got to take a pit stop. Pit crew is go, I repeat, pit crew is GO! [Three technicians run out, all in race-crew suits that read Team SNL. Technician #1 holds a compressed air gun; Technician #2 holds a water squirt-bottle and a pouch of raisins-and-peanuts trail mix; Technician #3 holds a small stack of office paper held together by two copper rivets.] [Very quickly, Technician #1 pantomimes using the air gun to remove Gordon's race car tires, while actually popping open a series of metal snaps along the sides of Gordon's pants.] [Technician #2 hands Gordon the squirt bottle, then uses both hands to open the pouch of trail mix. As Technician #2 tosses some trail mix into his mouth, Gordon juggles the squirt bottle with one hand while Technician #3 gives him his new script for the sketch.] [All three technicians pull at the sides of Gordon's racing suit. It's designed like FootLocker snap-pants so it comes apart easily, and underneath Gordon's wearing… a tuxedo!] Jeff Gordon: [reading the script with little confidence] Something else you probably didn't know about me. The name's Gordon - Jeff Gordon - though the President calls me secret agent Double-O 24! [stops reading] Lorne, are you sure about this, a James Bond parody? I appreciate that you got my car number right, but we didn't rehearse this, even at the table reading. Lorne Michaels [v/o]: Trust us Jeff, it's the best we could do in 12 point 6 seconds. Give us credit, we've easily got the fastest pit crew in comedy. Jeff Gordon: [holds pinky up to the corner of his mouth] Um, riiiiiiiight. Well anyway, we've got a great show - Avril Lavigne is here, and we'll be right back! [fade to next sketch] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
