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Paige Davis.....Tina Fey Frank Bielec.....Darrell Hammond Genevieve Gorder.....Amy Poehler Amy Wynn Pastor.....Avril Lavigne Rebecca Guest.....Maya Rudolph William Guest.....Will Forte Jeff Winston.....Jeff Gordon Karen Winston.....Rachel Dratch Doctor.....Chris Parnell [ open on "Trading Spaces" graphic ] [ dissolve to Paige Davis standing on rural neighborhood dirt road ] Paige Davis: I'm Paige Davis, and welcome to "Trading Spaces" - the show where two sets of neighbors swap homes for two days and redecorate one room in each other's place, with only $1,000. Today, we're on Grass Lick Road in Little Otter, West Virginia, where two sets of neighbors will be redesigning rooms in each other's.. [ looks off-camera ] What do we call these run-down buildings they're living in? Houses? Shacks? Dumps? [ pause ] Houses, really? [ looks behind her ] Alright, we'll give that a try. [ to the camera ] Come on, let's meet our homeowners! [ looks off-camera again ] I don't know, that just doesn't sound right in this area. [ cut to Paige with both couples ] Paige Davis: Alright, let's meet Wiliam and Rebecca Guest! Are you guys excited? Rebecca Guest: Oh, wow! I can't believe we're finally on "Trading Spaces"! This is the most exciting thing to happen to us since electricity was introduced to our area! William Guest: We don't even have cable here yet! Becky's parents tape it for us in Ohio, and we watch it on our Betamax! Paige Davis: [ not the least bit interested ] Oh. Sounds exciting. And which of your rooms will your neighbors be working on this weekend? Rebecca Guest: We'd like to give our bedroom a complete makeover. William Guest: And don't worry - we temporarily moved the livestock to the barn, so it won't be in anybody's way this weekend. Paige Davis: [ ready to crawl out of her skin ] Great. And let's meet your neighbors, Jeff and Karen Winston. Karen Winston: We don't have a Betamax. We heard about the show from Rebecca and William, and we think it sounds great. We can't wait to see what you guys do with our living room! Jeff Winston: You can do whatever it takes to fix up our family room, except you can't touch the NASCAR shrine I have set up in the back corner! Karen Winston: Jeff's a really big fan of the NASCAR racing. The aluminum foil on our TV's rabbit ears doesn't hold as tight as it used to, so Jeff has to stand at the back of the room in order to see clearly through the snow. Um.. if you guys could pick out a new roll of foil, that would be really great. Paige Davis: Okay, I'm starting to get nauseated. So let's swap houses and get to work. [ a beat ] Y'all. [ they two couples exit in opposite directions, to each other's house ] [ cut to interior, Guest bedroom, where designer Frank Bielec lays sprawled across the bottom bunk of their bunk bed. The major furniture scheme consists of various milk crates stacked upon one another to resemble bookshelves. Jeff and Karen enter. ] Frank Bielec: Jeff and Karen? I'm Frank. How are you? Jeff Winston: We're fine. Karen Winston: Just fine. Frank Bielec: [ raises himself and stretches ] So, tell me.. what's the story on the bunk beds? Is it to conserve space in this small room, are there marital difficulties, what's going on? I'm assuming Rebecca has the top bunk, and William has the bottom.. but I don't know how well-endowed West Virginian men are to be able to get that busy with their wives on one of these things. Jeff Winston: Uh.. we don't ask.. Frank Bielec: Well, where do the two of you see this room going? What can be done to improve the overall layout? Karen Winston: Um.. I was thinking some flowers would cheer things right up. Frank Bielec: Pansies, perhaps? Karen Winston: Um.. whatever floats your boat, I guess. Frank Bielec: Let's leave my dinghy out of this, and focus on the room instead. Jeff Winston: Maybe we could replace the shag carpeting? Like, with another color shag carpeting? Frank Bielec: [ places hand to chin flamboyantly ] Hmm.. maybe. But I don't do carpeting - I excel more with paint. We could try painting the carpet, or just leave it. But we'll think of something. In the meantime, let's clear everything out of here, okay? [ cut to rapid fast-forwarding video of the team clearing the room - quick shots of Jeff and Karen dancing across the room, Karen doing a handstand, and Frank walking around the room without his pants on ] [ cut to interior, Winston family room, where designer Genevieve Gorder stands in front of the TV squinting her eyes. The room consists of a beat-up sofa with numerous tears, a giant spool posing as a dining table, and various milk crates stacked to resemble an entertainment center. William and Rebecca enter. ] Genevieve Gorder: [ still squinting ] Jeff and Rebecca..? Hi, I'm Genevieve. Boy.. this TV's hurting my eyes, I feel like I'm staring directly at fireworks. Do you guys actually pick up network programming on these things, or is it just locally-produced community improv? Rebecca Guest: We're able to pick up all the good home shopping channels. William Guest: It takes months for our orders to arrive, but they often get to us in one, sometimes two, pieces. Genevieve Gorder: [ nodding head weakly ] So, were you guys born in this area, or this just where you got stuck at when your car broke down? William Guest: We were born here. Rebecca Guest: We've known each other since preschool. Genevieve Gorder: Okay, that's just really sad. But let's discuss the room. What do you see us doing for it? William Guest: Well, I think it's a little too busy, you know? A lot of makeshift furniture, but all crowded in one place. Rebecca Guest: I was thinking the windows could use curtains. All this sunlight coming in puts a bright glare on the TV screen. Genevieve Gorder: I think the main problem is the makeshift furniture - Amy Wynn can help us in that area. But, most importantly - to me, anyway - is the presence of this so-called shrine in the back corner. [ indicates the aforementioned NASCAR shrine, various race cars, iron-on patches and lit candles ] This is really tacky, and doesn't go with anything in the room. William Guest: That's Jeff's NASCAR shrine. He doesn't want anyone to touch that. Genevieve Gorder: Well, you know, screw Jeff. We're here to help, and this piece of crap has really got to go. So.. [ blows the candles out and begins to disassemble the shrine ] I'll take care of this thing, and you guys help by moving all the furniture outside, okay? [ William and Rebecca are speechless over Genevieve's destruction of the NASCAR shrine ] Come on, let's get moving, the clock is ticking! [ cut to rapid fast-forwarding video of the team clearing the room - quick shots of William and Rebecca having difficulty moving the couch, Genevieve spinning on roller skates, and William separating the milk crate entertainment center ] [ cut to Frank standing in the garage next to the bunk beds, as carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor stands next to him ] Frank Bielec: So, they sleep in bunk beds, for reasons as of yet undetermined. And what I'd like to do is, reassemble them into one double bed, instead of the two singles they are. I was thinking maybe you could saw the beds in half so we can begin the reassembling process. What do you think? Amy Wynn Pastor: Well, Frank, I think you're going to kick yourself when I show you something. Frank Bielec: And what is that? Amy Wynn Pastor: Well, grab that end of the bed - you see where I'm grabbing on this side? Go ahead. Lift with me on the count of three - 1.. 2.. 3.. [ Amy Wynn and Frank lift, separating the two halves of the bunk bed. Frank is shocked by the discovery ] Frank Bielec: Oh, my.. Oh, my.. I feel like the silliest little goose! I was going to have you destroy this bed for absolutely no good reason! Amy Wynn Pastor: You just have to think outside the box, Frank. Frank Bielec: [ looks at camera, puts his hand in front of his face ] Trust me, folks - I've never been anywhere near a box! [ winks, then exits the garage ] [ Genevieve enters the garage ] Genevieve Gorder: Okay, let me show you the design I'm working on, Amy. I'm going to need you to build an entertainment center, something that's not made of milk crates. Amy Wynn Pastor: Are you thinking something made of wood? Genevieve Gorder: It's a revolutionary material.. but I think they'll be ready for it and can handle it. [ cut to Frank, Jeff and Karen painting the walls of The Guests' bedroom ] Frank Bielec: A lot of people say to paint a wall in a criss-cross pattern, but I prefer to dab it gently with a sponge, to give it a more.. [ looking for the word ] ..sensuous texture. Karen Winston: But are you sure purple is the right color to go with? Frank Bielec: Well, I like purple, so.. yes. We need to create a mood. They need something that says, "Hey, we live out in the middle of nowhere, but we still know how to get it on when the lights go down." Rebecca Guest: Yes.. that's exactly the reaction we want them to have. William Guest: I don't know about this painting of Little Boy Blue. Frank Bielec: You don't approve of my art work, William? If you look close, you'll notice that I used my own face in the painting. What you may not realize.. is that I have this very same outfit at home, that I like to wear most nights. So I think it holds itself as a very interesting conversation piece for the bedroom. William Guest: I don't know.. it just gives me the creeps. [ cut to Genevieve and Rebecca hanging up homemade curtains in the Winston family room ] Rebecca Guest: And what did you say you used to make these curtains, Genevieve? Genevieve Gorder: It was just a sewing machine. Rebecca Guest: I had no idea there were machines that could sew for you. I have to fix all of William's shirts by hand. I would give anything to have an appliance do it for me. Genevieve Gorder: It's not that big a deal, Rebecca. I've been using sewing machines since the 20th Century. Rebecca Guest: [ impressed ] Wow.. you are so lucky to have been born in a better part of the world than we are. Genevieve Gorder: I didn't used to count my blessings, but.. starting tomorrow.. starting tomorrow.. [ Amy Wynn and William enter, carrying the homemade entertainment center, little more than an old door and a pair of cinder blocks ] Amy Wynn Pastor: Well, it took a lot of looking, but we finally found a piece of wood in the street that matched the natural flavor of this room. We found the cinder blocks in the garage, holding down a stack of newspapers. Genevieve Gorder: Well, it looks beautiful. I really think they're going to appreciate this, because the world doesn't revolve around milk crates and coffee cans. This leaves the room kind of open and airy, and gives them valuable wall space in case they ever want to display art. Amy Wynn Pastor: Yeah, I like it. And it's lacquered, so even these people can't ruin it by flagrant misuse. If they just do as they're told, there should be no problems. [ Paige re-enters ] Paige Davis: [ perky once again ] Hi! I hope everything has been going fine, because time's up! Genevieve Gorder: Thank God. I've had about all of this room I can stand. If they don't like it.. piss on them. Paige Davis: [ facing the camera ] Well, time to show our homeowners the results! [ cut to Frank sitting with Paige on the bed in the Guest bedroom ] Frank Bielec: My original problem was the bunkbed. To me.. a married couple should be sleeping together, not separate. So I fixed that, by pushing the two beds together and keeping the blankets and thermostat options separate in each one. And, assuming the romance was stale in the bedrpom, I decided to paint the walls a purple color, beause purple's a color that always gets me in the mood. Color is a very important issue for me, and I think it's going to change the way the Guests feel about one another in the bedroom. Paige Davis: And how did you do on expenses? Frank Bielec: I came in at just under $995. Paige Davis: Terrific! Let's take a look at the results! [ dissolve to Before and After of the Guest bedroom, as it changes from a dingy bunkbed bungalow to a semi-respectable double-bed dive surrounded by candles ] Paige Davis V/O: Combined with fresh paint and separate-but-equal bedding, Frank's bedroom makeover is sure to be a hit. [ cut to Paige entering bedroom with The Guests', who have their eyes covered ] Paige Davis: Okay, I think you'll be impressed with what Frank has done here, so.. go ahead, and take a look. [ William and Rebecca open their eyes, which widen with excitement when they see the new wall colors ] Rebecca Guest: Oh, my God! You painted the walls! William Guest: It makes all the difference in the world! It's a whole new room! Paige Davis: And did you notice that Frank separated the bunk beds so the two of you can cuddle in your sleep from now? Rebecca Guest: Yeah, he shouldn't have done that.. but we can stack the beds back after you guys leave. William Guest: We really haven't been having sex together since I had that wayward threesome with her sister and mother a while back. Rebecca Guest: He's just lucky we don't have a couch, otherwise he'd be sleeping on it at night! Paige Davis: [ ready to leave ] Fantastic. [ cut to Paige sitting on the couch with Genevieve in the Winston family room ] Paige Davis: Okay, talk to me. How did it go? Genevieve Gorder: Well, I got rid of that ugly racing thing in the corner. It didn't go with anything in this room. Of course, nothing in this room goes with anything in this universe, so it's a moot point, really. Paige Davis: And do you think the cinder block entertainment center will win them over. Genevieve Gorder: Well, I look at it this way - they're used to living in a pig sty, so a little class won't hurt. I came out right on top at $998 - but that's only because I bought them a super-nice fabric for the curtains. The rest of the money, basically, we sent out for lunch. Paige Davis: It's not important. Let's show them the results! [ dissolve to Before and After of the Winston family room, as it changes from dirty to relaxed, with new furniture, curtains and candles ] Paige Davis V/O: What's old is new again, as Genevieve transforms the family room into a room that truly is fun for the entire family. [ cut to Paige entering living room with The Winstons, who have their eyes covered ] Paige Davis: Okay, so I think you'll be impressed with the new room. Go ahead and take a look. [ Jeff and Karen open their eyes, which widen with excitement when they see the new furniture ] Karen Winston: I don't believe it! They bought us a VHS! With videos! And they patched the couch with an old oily rag from the garage! Why didn't we think of that! Jeff Winston: [ looking around suspiciously ] Where's my NASCAR shrine..? I don't see it.. where is it..? Genevieve Gorder: I threw that out - it clashed with everything. It's probably resting in peace at the city dump by now. Jeff Winston: You what..?! You threw out my NASCAR shrine?! That stuff was irreplaceable! It was the most valuable thing in the entire house! Genevieve Gorder: Not any more. [ Jeff starts to scream, as Karen tries to calm him down. Damaged psychologically, Jeff breaks into a spastic fit and drops to the floor in a state of violent convulsions. Everyone screams and panics at the sight, as William and Frank try to subdue Jeff. Eventually, a pair of men in white coats enter, wrap Jeff up in a straightjacket, and pull him out of the family room ] Paige Davis: [ to the camera ] This has to be the coolest episode of "Trading Spaces" we've ever done! [ dissolve to exterior, mental institution ] [ SUPER: "Three Months Later" ] [ dissolve to interior, Jeff's padded cell, as he sits motionless on the floor still wrapped in his straightjacket. Doctor enters. ] Doctor: Jeff, exciting news! I've been wanting to redecorate my office for quite some time now, and, thinking of you, I decided to put it in the hands of those geniuses on "Trading Spaces". Since I needed to swap a room with someone, I thought it might brighten up your life if you and I did it together. Are you cool with that? [ Jeff releases a muffled scream, as Frank suddenly enters the cell ] Frank Bielec: Jeff, it's so exciting to see you again! I'm sorry you went crazy, but I wish this were a prison so I could be somebody's bitch! But it looks like I'm here in the nick of time - just look at these dreary walls. The first thing I'd like to do is take down these padded cushions from the walls, maybe have them painted instead - a bright red and orange mixture would really brighten up this area where windows are absent. And I think it would be ideal to hang mirrors on all four walls, to create the illusion of a bigger room. [ Jeff continues to release muffled screams, as Frank gets to work stripping down the wall padding in his cell ] [ dissolve to title graphic, fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
