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...Jimmy Fallon ...Tina Fey ...Mark Jennings Reese II ...Tracy Morgan ...Dean Edwards Fericito...Fred Armisen (Fade in) Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon, here are tonight's top stories. Over the holiday, President George “Dubya” Bush made the first pardons of his presidency. Actually, Bush had to beg Dick Cheney for the pardons, first. Let it also be said that one of the pardons of Bush, was the infamous “Pretzel”. Tina Fey: A British television station is defending a show in which a Chinese performance artist apparently ate a dead baby, calling it "thought-provoking extreme art in China." Well, apparently, it’s also considered “thought-provoking cuisine in China”. Jimmy Fallon: Ford Motors is using the Rolling Stones classic “Start Me Up” for their new commercials. Just like the Stones, Ford Motors is old but still cranking. And now with a political comment, is our own Tina Fey! Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy! President Bush said this week that, “An attack by Iraq on America would cripple our economy.” What an amazing discovery, wonder boy! Did you think that one all by yourself or did your daddy think that one for you. Maybe Bush doesn’t realize that if America were to re-elect him in 2004, it would cripple our economy! Think about it folks, then get back to me! Jimmy Fallon: This has been a political comment by Tina Fey. In entertainment news, it was reported this week that the cast of “Friends” will stick around for one more season after this spring’s season finale. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston was the only hold out, but she changed her mind when she and her husband, Brad Pitt, visited the Neverland Ranch, and caught a baby that fell out of a window. Tina Fey: News out of Australia! A crocodile spent a day behind bars in a police cell after wandering onto the grounds of a nursing home. In that day behind bars, the crocodile became an alligator’s bitch! Jimmy Fallon: News from Japan, 6 elderly people died in separate incidents after choking on a traditional holiday dish of sticky rice dumplings. Hearing this, the producers of NBC’s “Fear Factor” said that they have come up with their next episode. So next week on Fear Factor – elderly people eating sticky rice dumplings! Tina Fey: And now “LIVE” from his apartment in Williamsville, New York, with a wrap up of the Trent Lott Segregation story, is the one, the only, Mark Jennings Reese II. (Camera shows Mark in his bedroom with a huge poster of Chris Farley’s Matt Foley behind him) Mark Jennings Reese II: Thanks, Tina, Jimmy. Well, we here at SNL You have been away for a while, so let me catch you up. For those of you spent Christmas day watching duel Saturday Night Live Marathons on Comedy Central and The E! Network, you didn’t miss much! Trent Lott spent a majority of his holiday trying to apologize for his comments he made at Strom Thurman’s 100th birthday party. Lott made comments like, “Minority” this, “Segregation” that. (Makes a ‘jerk-off’ gesture) And ended by saying that Thurman once owned slaves, fact he still does. Lott didn’t stop there! He apologized to the African-American community about the comments, on BET. He concluded with Sinead O’Connor’s 1992 Saturday Night Live statement “Fight the real Enemy!” and proceeded to rip up a picture of himself. Lott has been saying sorry so much that Parker Brothers made a rushed holiday release of “Sorry! Board Games” for the Holiday season. So then, millions of black kids woke Christmas mourning to rip open “So rry: The Trent Lott Version”. So, in a nutshell, Trent Lott is James Traficant, super-sized! For Weekend Update, Good night, good day, good news! (Camera shot pans back to the Update desk) Jimmy Fallon: Mark Jennings Reese II, ladies and gentlemen! This week, a judge sentenced David Westerfield to death for the killing of a 7-year-old girl, named Danielle van Dam. Hey, Westerfield, you killed the wrong Van Dam, (referring to a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme) dumbass! Kevin MacMichael, the co-founder of the 80’s one-hit wonder group The Cutting Crew died on December 31, 2002 in a Canadian hospital. Nick Van Eede, the other founder of The Cutting Crew was quoted to say (in a soft ballad sing) “Oh he, He just died in my arms that night. It must have been something I said, he died my arms that night!” Thank you, if you like my singing, don’t forget to pick up my new CD “The Bathroom Wall” available at all record stores and I'm up for a Grammy! Tina Fey: It was reported this week that actor Harrison Ford has popped the question to his girlfriend actress Calista Flockhart. To which I would like to ask Harrison Ford, “What, Harrison, am I not skinny enough for you?” I hate Hollywood! And now with a celebrity comment is Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Tina! Justin Timberlake said this week in reference to ex-girlfriend, Britney Spears, "I may not ever get over her. I really do still love that girl." Justin, maybe you don’t realize that there are about 20 million girls in this country you could be slamming with, as we speak. There are about another 20 mill over seas. Britney Spears is just one girl. Do you think that ever stopped George Michael? Okay, bad example, but you get my point. As the great David Spade once said, “if there’s grass on the field, play ball!” Just ask R. Kelly! Okay, again, bad example. But, you do get what it is that I am trying to say. Thank you! Tina Fey: This has been a celebrity comment by Jimmy Fallon. Michael Douglas is starring in a new movie entitled, “A Few Good Years”. Ironically, that’s the same thing Douglas’s 33-year-old actress-wife Catherine Zeta-Jones utters as she walks around the house. Tom Hanks is co-starring with Leonardo DiCaprio in the new movie “Catch Me If You Can”. In a related story, Peter Scolari wants Leonardo’s autograph! Jimmy Fallon: Rapper Foxy Brown is facing an arrest warrant for failing to show up to a hearing in Jamaica on July 28. The hearing is coming from an altercation between Brown and a Jamaican policewoman. Foxy Brown and a Jamaican policewoman? Oh yeah, daddy like! Edward Norton, who is making a near $9 million per movie, recently said that he finds the role of being an actor, frustrating. Ed, I know what it feels like. I get frustrated when I think about why you’re an actor. And now here with some music news are Weekend Update’s Music Correspondents Tracy Morgan and Dean Edwards! Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jimmy! Tina, you lookin’ fine tonight! Tina Fey: Tracy, you’re married with three kids! Tracy Morgan: SO! Dean Edwards: Tracy, forget about her, let’s just do this thing; so we can go behind the bleachers and toke up! Tracy Morgan: Yeah, that’s what I talkin’ about! (Gives Dean a high-five) Jimmy, you in? Jimmy Fallon: Is Kattan gay? Tina, Dean & Tracy: (together) Yes! Jimmy Fallon: Well, there you go! Tina Fey: Guys, what about your report? Tracy Morgan: Oh, snap! Kid, why don’t you start? Dean Edwards: Okay, here we go. Eminem said this week that he thinks he is getting too big in the public eye. In a related story, Jennifer Lopez’s ass said the same thing. Tracy Morgan: Good one, Dean! I got another one! Eminem said this week that he thinks he is getting too big in the public eye. Hey Eminem, Jimmy Fallon’s ego called, it needs its size back. Jimmy Fallon: Hey Tracy, come on! That’s just wrong! (Enter Fericito) Fericito: Jimmy, Tracy’s just keeedding! (Exit Ferecito) Tracy Morgan: Thanks, new guy! Tina Fey: What else you guys got? Dean Edwards: Some comedy shows may parody Bobby Brown because of the recent "Primetime Live" interview, but the producers of Fox's "Cedric the Entertainer Presents" went out and got the real thing and Bobby Brown made an appearance on the show. Tracy Morgan: In a related story, Bobby and Whitney are reportedly going back into the recording studio, a.k.a. Their Crack House, to record their new hit single, “Crack is Whack, we don’t be needin’ that!” Jimmy Fallon: Thanks guys! Tracy Morgan: So, Jimmy, you gonna go toke with us behind the bleachers? Dean Edwards: Yeah, let’s go! (Exit Tracy Morgan, Dean Edwards and Jimmy Fallon) Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, that’s Jimmy Fallon and I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
