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Jeb Bush.....Jeff Richards President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell Refugee 1.....Maya Rudolph Refugee 2.....Dean Edwards Refugee 3.....Tracy Morgan C-SPAN PROMO CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING VOICEOVER: Next on C-SPAN, President Bush delivers a speech on Homeland Security from Key West, Florida. This speech was delivered during his recent campaign trip to Florida to help Republican candidates during the 2002 mid-term elections and has only until now been released to the public. The speech lasts 10 minutes. SETTING: OUTDOORS-DAYTIME CROWD APPLAUSE JEB ENTRANCE JEB WEARING STRAW HAT, BEACH SHIRT, HOLDING A PINACOLADA STEPS TO THE PODIUM. Jeb Bush: (in rock-star fashion) HELLO, KEY WEST!!! YEAH!!! CROWD CHEERS-CHANTS JEB! JEB! JEB! Jeb Bush: YEAH!!! PARTY TIME!!! IT'S ALL GOOD!!! I'd just like to thank everyone here tonight. The polls are tilting my way and I'm smiling wider than a ballot-box swallowing alligator. We may win this thing straight up. And now, to drive home the final nail is a man you all know and love. He's my brother, but you can just call him Pimp Daddy U.S.A. Give it up for George W. Bush. CROWD APPLAUSE JEB HIGH-FIVES GEORGE ON WAY OUT President George W. Bush: Thanks, Jeb. Last call's on me. (laughs) Hello, my fellow Americans. It's great to be back in Florida, the sight of my landslide victory in 2000. Yep, thanks to you hard workin' Republicans, Gore's chads were hanging mighty low at the end of that night. Before I start my speech I would like to inform you about the current color status of our official terrorism indicator. The current color status of the indicator is lemony yellow. I'd personally like to thank the Trix cereal corporation for sponsoring it. GEORGE HOLDS UP A BOX OF TRIX OUT COMES TRIX RABBIT FOR PHOTO OP. TRIX RABBIT THEN TRIES TO GRAB THE BOX AWAY FROM GEORGE GEORGE PULLS BOX AWAY President George W. Bush: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Gentlemen. (nods to Secret Service) SECRET SERVICE BEAT DOWN AND TAKE AWAY TRIX RABBIT IN HANDCUFFS GEORGE WALKS BACK TO PODIUM President George W. Bush: Sorry you had to see that. But, it was his THIRD strike. (clears throat) My fellow Americans, the days post-ceeding 9-11 have been trying times for us all. The all including me as well. As your president, I have NOW decided that national security will be my chief responsibility for the rest of my presidency. CROWD APPLAUSE With that said, it is important for the U.S. to be able to protect it's boarders from undesirables like terrorists, drug smugglers, and horrible English rock groups who try to invade and poison our country. This week I have sent to congress my Homeland Security Package. This package is my blueprint to help keep the country safe from further terrorist attack and to help protect our boarders from the scourge of illegal immigration. CROWD APPLAUSE The first step in my plan is.... GEORGE INTERRUPTED BY SEVERAL BOAT WHISTLES FROM OFF STAGE President George W. Bush: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NOISE!!! CUT TO VIDEOTAPE OF HAITIAN IMMIGRANTS JUMPING OUT OF BOATS OFF COAST OF FLORIDA 20 HAITIAN IMMIGRANTS RUN THROUGH THE SCENE AND RIGHT PAST GEORGE GEORGE STANDS BY PODIUM SHOCKED Refugee 1: MAYA-GRABS PODIUM MIKE AND BEGINS TO SING "AMERICA" FROM WEST SIDE STORY Refugee 1: (singing) LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA AMERICA!!! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA AMERICA!!! REFUGEE 1 RUNS OFF CAMERA Refugee 2: DEAN-ENTERS FROM OFF STAGE WITH A GOAT ON A LEASH Refugee 2: GOAT FOR SALE!!! GOAT FOR SALE!!! 100 AMERICAN DOLLARS!!! GOAT FOR SALE!!! REFUGEE 2 EXITS President George W. Bush: (angrily)WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! Refugee 3: TRACEY-ENTERS TRAILED BY POT SMOKE Refugee 3: Oh, don't worry Mr. President man. It's cool. We're just looking for some freedom. After all, we were invited. President George W. Bush: Invited by who? We didn't invite you. Refugee 3: You didn't invite us? Then why do you have that big lady statue out in the middle of the ocean? If you didn't invite us, you need to tear that thing down before more people get the wrong idea. President George W. Bush: I was. In fact, that was step one of my blueprint. Refugee 3: Oh boy, we need to talk. Let's talk about this over a shot glass, okay. GEORGE NODS HEAD IN APPROVAL GEORGE AND REFUGEE 3 EXIT CLASSICAL MUSIC RESTART RETURN C-SPAN PROMO OVERLAY Voice-over-You have been watching President Bush's speech on Homeland Security from Key West, Florida. Next, on C-SPAN, live from New York it's Saturday Night. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
