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Chris Matthews...Darrell Hammond Paul Begalia...Chris Kattan Joe Lieberman...Chris Parnell (Fade in) Chris Matthews: Hello, I'm Chris Matthews, welcome to Hardball! Okay, we got a lot to talk about, but first, Bill O'Reilly can suck it! You're watching Hardball! Tonight's topic – an American soldier shot 4 Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan. What does President George “Dumbya” plan to do about it? (The opening montage for Hardball with Chris Matthews runs) Chris Matthews: Okay, here tonight to comment on tonight's topic is former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia! Also, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman! Paul Begalia, let's start with you! Paul Begalia: Hello, Chris! This is a deep thing to happen without us... Chris Matthews: Shut it, Begalia! You're boring me! Paul Begalia: Chris, that's just not right! Chris Matthews: Shut it, you're done! Senator Joe Lieberman, as a presidential candidate, what would you do? Joe Lieberman: Well, Chris thanks for having me here! I'm just glad to say that I think that it's 'ironic' that we had to go to Afghanistan, just to kill a few crazy canucks! It's seems to me that this is just another distraction that Cheney and Bush's father are trying to throw in, to give the American people a reason for the sluggish economy. Chris Matthews: Good point – Lieberman! You're nuts, you're smart and you're psycho! You're just what this show needs! You're just what this country needs – a crazy person to call their own. Joe Lieberman: Thank you, Chris! Chris Matthews: What do you think about that, Begalia, do you think the American people will elect a Jewish 'choo-choo' head as their president? Paul Begalia: Chris, I think you're being unreasonable, here. There is nothing wrong with Lieberman's ideals. Chris Matthews: Shut it, Begalia...you can speak when I ask you to! Joey Jew-crazy, got anything else? Joe Lieberman: Just this (Pause) Bush is just one giant puppet being run by Dick Cheney and Bush, Sr.; and just happens to have the reading ability of a kindergartener. Chris Matthews: Joe, that's brilliant! Vice President under Al Gore, you are not! President of the free world, I think so! I thought Reagan was crazy, until I realized he was just a late model robotic machine from Hollywood. So, Joe, as a democrat, do you plan to beat Bush with your craziness, your Jewishness or your Jewish-craziness? Joe Lieberman: Well, Chris, I think it's going to come down to who knows what is going on in America without the aid of his or her advisors. At this point, Bush couldn't rationalize placing an order at McDonald's, let alone a foreign policy action. You can say there is no 'I' in the word 'team', but there is an 'I' in 'the united states of america'! As a matter of fact, there are 2! Chris Matthews: Joe Lieberman, you cha-cha ya-ya! For the first time in about 30 seconds, I stopped shouting so I actually heard what you were saying. In those 30 seconds, I think I wet myself, too! Okay, Paul Begalia, let me ask you something? Paul Begalia: Yeah, Chris? What is it? Chris Matthews: Wait a second; let me ponder why I am even asking you to speak. (Pause) Oh, forget it! Never mind, you're just a midget version of an “Oompa Loompa”. You friggin' walkin' fetus! Okay, I want to thank my guests tonight! Paul Begalia, got anything to say? Paul Begalia: Yes, Chris, I do! Chris Matthews: Well, save it for next time! (Chuckles) Joe Lieberman, any last words? Joe Lieberman: Just this, I'd like to announce that my Vice Presidential running mate is going to be the dude from – (Cuts off Lieberman's sentence) Chris Matthews: Don't! I don't think I can take what you are about to say without peeing my pants, again! Okay, join us tomorrow, when I am going to find a reason to shout some more! Thank you, good night! You're just been watching Haaaaa Baaaa! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
