|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hitman.....Ray Liotta Housewife.....Maya Rudolph Faucet Salesman.....Will Forte Clean-Up Guy.....Chris Parnell [ open on Housewife sitting at sofa readig romance novel; her reading is interrupted by a loud, pounding knocks at the front door to her left ] Voice At Door: Mrs. Avery!! Open up, I need to talk to you!! Housewife: [ approaches front door, but doesn't answer ] Who's there? How do you know my name? Voice At Door: The name said Avery on the mailbox! First or last? Housewife: Last. My husband isn't home - go away. Voice At Door: You shouldn't tell strangers whn someone isn't home! Let me in, it's important! I'm not selling anything! Housewife: [ thinking it over ] Alright, as long as you're not selling anything. [ opens door, shady-looking character in a dark suit and five-o-clock shadow reveals himself ] Hit Man: Mrs. Avery, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Sticks McCrory. I'm a threat to society, but only by request. Housewife: [ confused ] Meaning? Hit Man: Well, ma'am, I'm a hit man. And I'm going around the neighborhood tonight to check if anyone's in need of having anybody whacked. Are ya' interested? Housewife: I.. don't need anyone whacked at this time. Hit Man: Are you sure? There must be someone who's pissed you off recently? Bag boy at the supermarket? Bank teller? Meter Maid? Anyone? Housewife: No, no one.. other than you. Hit Man: Allow me to clarify. You might be thinking I'm looking for money, but I'm not. [ reaches in pocket and pulls out business card ] My card. Housewife: [ takes card and reads ] "Broken Knees Hit Man Service - we break knees, and so much more." Hit Man: I'm new to the neighborhood, and, as a special introductory offer, I'm doing hits for free all week! Satisfaction is guaranteed, and if you're pleased with the job, my normal fee will be $100 a hit. You'll also receive one of these cards. [ pulls card out of his pocket ] Each time I whack somebody for you, I'll punch in a hole in these little fists. Ten fist punches, and your next hit is free. Housewife: That sounds like a great deal, but I'm really not interested at this- Hit Man: Don't have anyone in mind? That's okay, I'm offering a free service! All you gotta is just pick somebody - anybody - and I'll take care of it. Mailman? Roadside hobo? A total stranger? You don't need a reason, all you need is a target. You don't pay a thing! Housewife: Listen, I'm sure you do very good work, but I just don't have anyone in mind right now. Maybe if you came back next week, I'll have a few people in mind, but- Hit Man: Don't forget - the offer's only good for one week. Are your neighbors home? I'd hate to lose their business, but I'd hate to lose yours even worse. Housewife: Uh.. I have no problems with my neighbors. They're really great people. They're also old, and have difficulty moving around. Hit Man: I prefer something a little more challenging, but a job's a job. Which of the two houses surrounding you do they live in? Housewife: No! Leave them alone! Look, could you just leave? I'm really not in the mood for this. I'm tired of solicitors coming to my door and trying to sell me things I don't want. Believe me, if I wanted someone killed, I would have sent for a hit man by now. Hit Man: Well, ma'am, due to the nature of our career, we don't advertise our business in the phone book. It's more of a who-you-know kinda deal. But, you have my card? Housewife: Yes, I have your card. If I need somebody done in by Friday, you'll be the first person I call. Hit Man: Well, ma'am, I certainly appreciate your honesty and willingness to consider the offer. That number's good 24 hours a day- [ Faucet Salesman steps onto the porch ] Faucet Salesman: Excuse me, ma'am? My name is Carl Maloo, I'm with Faucet Emporium, Ltd., and today we're canvassing your neighborhood to show off the latest item in our product line. [ opens briefcase and removes a faucet head ] This is our new rust-proof chrome-acetate head - it will not be destroyed by water or other foreign substances. For $29.99, it comes with a 30-day trial, and can be returned for any reason after that time-frame. With your permission, I can install this in any sink in your house, and demonstrate the amazing powers it possesses. Housewife: As I was just telling this other man, I'm not interested in purchasing any products at this time. Hit Man: Yeah, beat it! Faucet Salesman: I'm sorry, but if you miss out on this faucet, you'll be kicking yourself for a very long time. Hit Man: [ fishes out a hole-puncher, and grabs his card from Housewife ] Ma'am, with your permission? Housewife: Mr. McCrory, I think we've reached an agreement. Be my guest. Faucet Salesman: Wait a minute.. you listened to my pitch, but you're buying his product? Just what are you selling, anyway? Hit Man: [ grabs faucet head ] I always thought "faucet head" was a strange term.. but now it makes sense. Faucet Salesman: What do you- Hit Man: [ smashes faucet head into Faucet Salesman's skull, sending him to the ground ] I believe that puts him out of commission! Housewife: Wow, you do marvelous work. I mean, it only took one strike. That is just terrific! Hit Man: Thanks! So, anyway, the hit was free.. but disposing the body's gonna cost ya fifty. Housewife: You didn't say anything about paying extra to dispose of the body. Hit Man: [ kicks Faucet Salesman's briefcase forward ] So sell a coupla faucet heads.. then you'll be even, with a profit to boot. Housewife: I am not paying you $50 to dispose of that man's body! Hit Man: Suit yourself. But if you change your mind and I have to come back, the fee gets doubled. Housewife: This is bull! I have a dead man with his skull smashed in from a faucet head sitting on my porch, and you're just going to leave him there? Hit Man: Hey, he'll scare away burglers. I just done you a favor! [ walks away ] [ fuming, Housewife re-enters her house and shuts the door. A moment later, there's a knock at the door ] Housewife: Now what?! [ opens the door to find a different man standing there ] Clean-Up Guy: Excuse me, ma'am. I was walking down the street, and I couldn't help but notice that you had a dead faucet salesman slumped across your front porch. Don't worry, I'm not a cop. I actually just started a new business where I come around to clean up after crooked hit men who leave dead bodies on people's porches. As an introductory offer, I'd be willing to remove this body from your porch, and set it on fire in the back alley of a local tavern. All I ask from you is $5 and a ham sandwich. Could I come inside and run through a standard contract with you? I think you'll be very pleased by what I have to offer. Housewife: $5 and a ham sandwich? Clean-Up Guy: And maybe a glass of milk to wash it down? Housewife: [ mulling it over in her head ] Alright, come in. Clean-Up Guy: Score! [ follows Housewife into the house ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
