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Session Leader.....Will Forte Pee Wee Herman.....Jimmy Fallon Jeffrey Jones.....Jeff Richards Pete Townshend.....Ray Liotta Mr. X.....Michael Palin Michael Jackson.....Dean Edwards [ open on exterior, hotel conference room, sign reading: "Pedophiles Anonymous Meeting Inside" ] [ dissolve to interior, conference room, filled with five people including Session Leader and a few vaguely familiar celebrities ] Session Leader: Good morning, everyone. My name is Steve, and welcome to today's session of Pedophiles Anonymous. We are not here to lay blame or criticize, but, rather, to help one another. I, myself, am an avid collector of vintage child molestation devices, and I could probably use your help as much as you could use mine. [ clears throat ] Now, I see we have a few celebrities in our group today. Gentlemen, it's a pleasure to have you with us. Why don't we start with you, Mr. Jones? Jeffrey Jones: [ shifting eyes nervously ] I thought you said this was supposed to be anonymous, like sticking your unit through the hole in a bathroom stall at the park? Session Leader: Oh, come now, Mr. Jones. Everyone recognizes you as the ruthless principal from "Ferris Bueller". You're not fooling anyone. [ recites line in French, to Jeffrey Jones' confusion ] Translation: "The gig is up." Jeffrey Jones: But I'm not even a pedophile! I was forced to join this group as a sort of community service. [ pleading ] All I want is for the truth to come out and for this matter to be resolved as quickly as possible! Why are you harassing me?! Session Leader: Well, you were found in possession of kiddie porn. Jeffrey Jones: [ defensive ] It had nothing to do with cats! Pee Wee Herman: [ laughing ] Ha ha! Ha! That's a good one, Jeffrey! Jeffrey Jones: Oh, shut up, Pee Wee! At least I keep my fantasies at home! I don't have to go to porno theaters and pretend I'm at the late viewing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"! Pee Wee Herman: [ lamely ] I know you are, but what am I? Jeffrey Jones: Oh, learn the English language. Session Leader: Allow me to interject for a moment, so we can, um.. touch.. upon Mr. Herman's problem. Now, Mr. Herman.. you like to masturbate, do you not? Pee Wee Herman: [ nasally ] What's so unusual about that, Steve? Everyone does it! [ laughs ] Haha! Session Leader: True-ue.. I, for one, find it's the only way to make it through an entire episode of "The Anna Nicole Show". But you enjoy masturbating to videos of little boys. Pee Wee Herman: [ indicating the other celebrities ] So do these guys! [ laughs ] Haha! [ Jeffrey Jones sighs, Pete Townshend lowers his head in shame ] Session Leader: What's the matter, Mr. Townshend? Feeling ashamed for what you've done? Pete Townshend: [ raises head ] Who? Me? Session Leader: Yes, you. Let's talk about your recent experiences on the ol' squeeze box. Pete Townshend: Hey, I am not a pedophile! When I downloaded those pictures off the internet, I was doing research for my autobiography! Session Leader: Would that happen to be for the chapter about your life as a pedophile? Pete Townshend: Aw, man.. I set myself right up for that one, didn't I? Session Leader: I'm not an easy man to fool, Mr. Townshend. I've been running these pedophile therapy sessions for years now. Some of my newer group members are adults that I once molested when they were children. Pete Townshend: That's part of my problem! I believe that I was sexually abused between the ages of five and six-and-a-half, while I was in the care of my maternal grandmother who was mentally ill at the time. Session Leader: Tell me, Mr. Townshend.. what is your fascination with pictures of young, naked boys? Pete Townshend: Well.. [ singing ] .."I can see their balls, their balls, their balls.." Session Leader: [ raises hand ] Enough. This isn't "Star Search". Pee Wee Herman: Can I "hit you with the digits"? [ laughs ] Haha! Jeffrey Jones: [ annoyed ] Why don't you go back to your playhouse and read your dirty magazines? Oh, that's right - they confiscated your collection! Session Leader: Gentlemen. Please. Mr. Townshend, you were lucky to have been released on bail with no charges filed against you, but don't you realize what kind of trouble you could have gotten into if you weren't a celebrity? [ pot up opening note of "5:15", from the Who album Quadrophenia" ] Pete Townsend: [ stands, singing softly ] "Why should I care..? Why should I care?" Session Leader: [ holds up hand ] Alright, stop! We discussed this. Why can't any of you take this therapy session a little more seriously? [ turns to non-celebrity (wearing an eyepatch over his right eye) sitting in a back row ] Now, Mr. X, you've been silent most of the afternoon. Jeffrey Jones: [ outraged ] Mr. X? How come he gets to be Mr. X, but you keep referring to us by our real names?! Mr. X: [ finally speaking, after watching the celebrities make bumbling fools of themselves ] Well.. do you think I'm going to give my real name at the door? I certainly don't want to be famous for being a known pedophile. Jeffrey Jones: We are not pedophiles! Now, we've said that over and over again! Mr. X: Yes, and I suppose if you say it enough times more, fact might soon turn into fiction, no? I know I've done things in my day, but it's not like anybody cares about me. That's why I keep doing what I do, because my life concerns no one! But you guys. It's not like people like you, and Paula Poundstone.. it's not like you didn't seem creepy before the news broke out. Maybe if you'd just admit you made a mistake, people won't be so hard on you. Jeffrey Jones: Maybe, maybe not. But what I want to know right now is, what's the deal with the eyepatch? Mr. X: [ smirks ] Never underestimate the agility of an elementary school boy, Mr. Jones. After I'd unzipped his pants and was inches away from making oral contact, the little bastard poked me in the eye! I've always had an eye for weiner, but that's the first time I've had an eye full of weiner! Jeffrey Jones: [ smiling glibly ] That sounds marvelous. Pee Wee Herman: You're the coolest guy I know. [ laughs lightly ] Pete Townsend: Boy, this beats the pants off the research I was doing! Session Leader: Well, I think it might be wise to adjourn for today, and meet back here again tomorrow and start from scratch. I assume 9:00 a.m. will be alright with everyone, give you a little free time to hang around the school yard before First Period? [ everyone nods excitedly ] Great. We'll see each other then. [ the group head for the door to exit. When they open the door, they find a masked Michael Jackson standing behind the door, dangling his baby by the feet, legs spread, attempting to raise the baby toward his face ] Michael Jackson: [ surprised, flips his baby right-side up ] Oh! Pardon me, this isn't the balcony, is it? I'm so confused, I don't know up from down.. men from women..! Don't look at me!! [ whimpers inaudibly, gently drops his baby to the floor, and flees down the left corridor ] Session Leader: I knew we should never have trusted our instinct to take him out of the box. Mr. Jackson! [ starts to chase Michael Jackson down the corridor ] Somebody get rid of that baby! [ runs down the left corridor after Michael Jackson ] [ Mr. X picks up the baby, holding it tight against his chest. Jeffrey Jones, Pee Wee Herman and Pete Townshend stare dumbfoundedly at Mr. X, as he smirks back at them. Mr. then X lifts his eyepatch from his right eye and slides it over his left eye, before winking with his right eye to the three celebrities and quickly exiting down the right side of the corridor. The three celebrities shake their heads in amazement, then retreat down the left corridor. A few seconds later, the three celebrities can be seen running back down the right side of the corridor, in a desperate dash to catch up to Mr. X and the baby. ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
