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Geppetto...Fred Armisen Pinnochio...Rachel Dratch Blue Fairy...Maya Rudolph Marty...Darrell Hammond Doctor...Seth Meyers End Narrator...Chris Parnell (OPEN ON STOCK SHOT OF A COTTAGE WIT THE NAME PLATE "GEPPETTO" ON THE DOOR. SUPER: "PINNOCHIO: THE 'REAL BOY' YEARS, DISSOLVE INTO GEPPETTO'S HOUSE, WHERE HE IS SEEN WORKING.) Geppetto: (WHISTLES) (PINNOCHIO STORMS IN ANGRY.) Geppetto: Ah, Pinnochio my son! How was you're first day of school as a real boy? Pinnochio: I Have No Friends, and it's all because of the Way I look! (LAYS DOWN ON BED SOBBING.) Geppetto: Aww, What's the Matter, my boy? Pinnochio: (SIGH) Father, When you originally "Made Me", you forgot one...No, Two Very Important things, and Now I can never show my face at school again! (BLUBBERING) Geppetto: Calm down, my boy. Start from the Begining, what's the problem? Pinnochio: Well, it started during class. And I had this..."Feeling", like I had to get something out of my system. Geppetto: Oh, well that's natural, son. You're only going to the bathroom, It's nothing to worry about. Pinnochio: Well, uh...That's the problem. I Can't...(SIGH) Go "Number Two". Geppetto: Pardon Me? Pinnochio: When you originally made me out of wood, you forgot to give me a butt. Geppetto: (EMBARRASSED) What? That can't be! Oh my, I completely forgot about adding that! I...I could have sworn to have done that. I'm so sorry, my boy! Pinnochio: Well, there's more... Geppetto: Oh, what else? Pinnochio: I also had to...as they say..."Go Number One" Geppetto: "Number One?" Pinnochio: Well, I would be a boy, wouldn't I? Geppetto: This doesn't explain what's wrong. Pinnochio: Well, the truth is...I don't have a "Little Woody" Because of you. Geppetto: A "Woody?" What's a woo...(SLOWLY UNDERSTANDING UNTIL IT CLICKS.) Sweet Mother of God, what have I done?! Pinnochio: Oh nothing much, Just ruined my life! Geppetto: Well how was I supposed to know if you were ever going to turn into a human? And since when are puppetts ever anatomically correct? Pinnochio: Well, I guess you should have thought about that when I was saving you from that whale! I mean look at me, I'm a freakin' living joke! Geppetto: Son, calm yourself down! I didn't think you were ever going to change into a real boy, what with the lies and that whole Pleasure Island/Donkey thing. It was all out of my hands, that Blue Fairy turned you into a boy, maybe you should talk to her. Pinnochio: But she's unavailable! After she turned me into a boy, she seemed to have dropped off the face of the Earth. Nobody knows where she is now! Geppetto: I know where she is, she's living in a retirement complex in Boca Raton. Pinnochio: That's thousands of miles away! Geppetto: I know, but if you're telling me all of this, it's necessary. C'mon, my boy! (THE TWO LEAVE, CUT TO A STOCK SHOT OF A CONDO IN FLORIDA, SUPER: "SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT PALACE". DISSOLVE ON A SHOT OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE.) Marty: (SITTING IN A LA-Z-BOY, JEWISH-BROOKLYN TYPE ACCENT) Hey Gloria, when the hell is this mashugina (sp?) roast gonna be finnished? Blue Fairy: (SMOKING CIGARETTE, WEARING GAUDY ELDERLY CLOTHING. SIMILAR ACCENT) I Already told you, it takes 3 hours to make. And would it kill you to help me out over here? Marty: Leave me out of it, I'm watching my game Blue Fairy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, God forbid you miss the Heat lose a game... (KNOCK AT DOOR) Marty, would you mind getting that? Marty: (DISSMISSIVE) Feh! Blue Fairy: Never Mind, you good-for-nothing, I'll get it...(KNOCKS AGAIN) I'm coming, I'm coming! (OPENS DOOR REVEALING PINNOCHIO AND GEPPETTO) Oh... salesmen. Sorry, We're not interested... Geppetto: No, no, no, We're not Salesmen. Don't you remember us? Blue Fairy: I think I may have seen you at the boom-boom club back in '62, Let me guess, Sy Betts? Geppetto: No, I'm Mr. Geppetto, and this is My little Boy Pinnochio... Blue Fairy: Ohhhhhh Geppetto! How are you, darling? Oh, and is that Pinnochio? Come here give you're Blue Fairy a Kiss...(COUGHS AND WHEEZES FIRST.) Well what are you doing out there? Come on in, you're letting all the heat out. Hey Marty, we've got visitors! Marty: (NOT INTERESTED) Feh! Blue Fairy: You'll have to excuse my roomie, he's kinda lost interest in everything since he moved in here. So what are you doing in paradise? Geppetto: I should be asking you the same thing, so this is where you've been hiding yourself? Blue Fairy: Yeah, well I did my fair share of wish granting in my life. And after I did the whole changing thing for your boy, I decided to take it easy for a while. Then after no one wanted to make wishes no more, I decided to return to my normal life. So I turned in my magic wand, and The blue fairy became Gloria Feldstein from Pittsburgh. Geppetto: Well, I hate to tell you this, but I think you might have quit a little too early. You see, when you turned Pinnochio into a boy, a few minor details were missed. Blue Fairy: Details, what Details? Geppetto: Well for starters...Uh, how do I say this?... Blue Fairy: Spit it out Darling? Geppetto: ...He Can't "Go" Blue Fairy: Ohhhhhh, is that all? I have problems going myself! Geppetto: Uh, no I don't think you understand.... Blue Fairy: Hey Marty, where do you keep that "Fiber Con" of yours? Marty: What are you askin' me for? I've got nothing wrong with me? Blue Fairy: Don't you go try to fool me, I see you drink it all the time... Geppetto: Ms. Blue Fairy? Blue Fairy: Pardon? Geppetto: (SIGH) Ms. Feldstein?... Blue Fairy: That's better. Geppetto: What I meant to say is that Pinnochio has no...(WHISPERS IN BLUE FAIRY'S EAR.) Blue Fairy: Oy, Gevault! I'm Dying! You're gonna give me a Corronary, over here! Geppetto: Well, that's why we came all the way here, we were hoping you could do something about it? Blue Fairy: Well what the hell do you want me to do? I'm no magic lady anymore! Geppetto: You mean there's nothing that you can do to help him? For god's sake, he's afraid to go take a shower in Gym Class! Blue Fairy: Alright, alright, I'll see what I can do. Maybe there's a specialist around here that takes care of things like this...Marty, where's that Phonebook? Marty: It's in my "To Do" pile. (NOTICES THAT IT'S COVERED WITH ALL SORTS OF PAPERS.) Blue Fairy: I keep telling you Marty, you got to clean up after yourself! Marty: Ahh, you're not my Mother. Blue Fairy: (DISSMISSIVLY) Feh! (FLIPS THROUGH PHONE BOOK) OK, this guy should know what he's doing, go to him and it should be allright. Geppetto: Oh, but we don't have the money to afford it, we spent it all on the trip. Pinnochio: Now I'll never be a Real Boy! Blue Fairy: Don't worry about it, Let me give you some of my Nest Egg Money. I don't need it, the place is rent controlled. Geppetto: Oh, thank you! C'mon Pinnochio. (RUSHES OUT) Blue Fairy: (YELLS DOWN HALLWAY) Hey, Remember to thank me if it goes well, come back again anytime! (RETURNS TO HER ROOM) Pretty nice folks for Goyim. Marty: Yeah, yeah, yeah, is that Roast ready yet? Blue Fairy: I told you, 3 hours! That does it, I'm buying you a Belltone for Chanukah. (CUT TO STOCK SHOT OF HOSPITAL, SUPER: "DAYS LATER", CUT TO GEPPETTO AND A DOCTOR STANDING OUTSIDE OF A BATHROOM.) Doctor: Well Mr. Geppetto, the procedure was a complete success. Now all we hope is that everything else went well. Geppetto: I hope so, I don't want to put him through Home School. Doctor: The beauty of it, is that if he ever lies to the ladies when he grows up, he could be a dynamo in the sack if you know what I mean. Ha, ha, ha... (GEPPETTO GIVES HIM A COLD LOOK) Doctor: Too soon? (GEPPETTO NODS WITH THE SAME COLD LOOK, A TOILET FLUSHES, PINNOCHIO EXITS.) Doctor: It worked! Congrats Mr. Geppetto, your son is now officially a "Real Boy". Geppetto: Are You Happy, Pinnochio? Pinnochio: It's going to take a while to get used to, but it's worth it! Geppetto: Come, let's go home. (MUSIC: "WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR", NARRATION SCROLLS UP.) End Narrator: (V/O) ...And so, Our hero Pinnochio finaly became an actual real boy. The Blue Fairy came out of Retirement and became a spokesperson for AARP, and Marty was still waiting for his roast to be finished, but he did wind up getting his Belltone at Chaunkah. As for I, the Narrator, he only had this one thing to say in this whole thing and still got a hefty paycheck, suck on that! (SUPER: "THE END") (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
