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Carl....Fred Armisen Nancy.... Amy Poehler Jock #1....Jimmy Fallon Jock #2....Will Forte Sports Model....Maya Rudolph Dr. Natoli....Horatio Sanz [Open on Carl and Nancy eating dinner at home, with soft violin music in background. Carl puts his fork down and smiles at Nancy.] Carl: Honey, you've outdone yourself. [She looks up and smiles back.] Carl: Pan-seared ahi tuna, arigula salad with ginger vinagrette, your prize-winning bruscetta. It's so healthy yet it tastes so good. Nancy: Thanks, sweetie. Carl: Yet somehow, it feels like there's something missing. I can't quite put my finger on-- [Pot up loud, abrasive speed metal as Jock #1 and #2 smash through the dining room wall. Both wear workout clothes and leather weight-lifting belts. Each holds a beer keg under one arm.] Jock #1: MAYBE you can't put your finger on it because those things are scrawnier than toothpicks! You need to carbo-load, train hard so you can get "cut," then cool off by getting RIPPED! [heaves the keg down on the table, which creaks under the weight, then uses tap to spray Carl a tall glass of beer.] Jock #1: YO, CHECK IT! It's low in calories, loaded with vitamins and aminos, and it helps you LIVE LONGER! Carl: [confused] What do you mean? A little red wine daily is heart-healthy, but that doesn't go with the ahi-- Jock #2: If we wanted your OPINION, Twiggy, we'd time-travel to 1967 and BEAT it outta you! A recent medical study revealed having ANY kind of booze every day can reduce the risk of a heart attack. That's why we get RIPPED! Nancy: Are you sure about that? Jock #1: LADY, this study came from the Harvard School of Public Health! That's HARVARD! Where did you go to school?! Nancy: [flustered] Um, wait, Bennington. Jock #2: That's not a school, that's a four-year NIGHTCLUB for people who can fork over 150 big 'uns to get past the velvet rope! [he and Jock #1 look off-stage right.] You don't believe us, listen to HER! [cut to Sports Model, sipping a bottle of Ripped Lite, wearing blue bike pants and a matching sports bra... which does nothing to hide her big ol' beer gut.] Sports Model: Before I got Ripped, I could hardly work out long enough for my nails to dry. Now I do every station, 15 reps each, four days a week. Though my trainer says I should go easy on the sit-ups. Isn't that right, Dr. Natoli? [Cut to Dr. Natoli, quaffing a big pitcher of Ripped] Dr. Natoli: Damn right! For years I told 'em beer was good for ya, and they laughed at me. [pats his stomach] Well who's laughing now?! I'm gonna f***in' live forever! [Cut back to Carl and Nancy's house, where Carl tentatively drinks a plastic funnel of the beer. Jocks #1 and #2 have broken their weight belts due to their bulging bellies.] Jocks #1 and #2: C'mon, it's HEALTHY! Chug! Chug! Chug chug chug... Announcer: ....Ripped beer, available at area health stores, liquor stores, and liquor/health stores. Enjoy responsibly. Announcer #2: ....Disclaimer: Dr. Natoli claims a Ph.D. in "mixology" from the Padre Island Bartending Academy, but holds no formal health credentials. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
