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...Tina Fey ...Jimmy Fallon ...Mark Jennings Reese II Joey...Ray Liotta Anthony...Darrell Hammond (Fade in) Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon, here are tonight's top stories. President Bush announced this week, that his administration will file a series of briefs to the Supreme Court challenging the admission policies at the University of Michigan. Bush was later quoted to ask Dick Cheney, ”Why file briefs? What’s wrong with boxers?” Tina Fey: Last Friday, police recovered a collection of Beatles tapes from the band’s original studio recordings. In a related story, someone stole Ringo Starr’s 8-track copy of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Israel’s Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s nationally televised address was cut off on air in America so the American people could hear another Sharon address the nation. The other Sharon address: Sharon Osborne telling Ozzy to stop yelling at the dog who peed on the couch. Jimmy Fallon: It was reported this week, that Nicole Kidman will be getting her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Hearing this, Tina Fey said, “Yes, I can’t wait to step all over that skinny bitch!” It was also reported this week that Nicole Kidman is being considered for a role as former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss in a film about her life. Fleiss was quoted to say, ”The film is the combination of the life of ‘Pretty Woman’ and the overacting of ‘Scarface’.” Fleiss went on to say, “I believe the only things that separates me from Nicole Kidman is, a successful movie career and about one bra cup size.” Tina Fey: CBS is in talks to create this past summer’s box office Cinderella story “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” into a sitcom in the fall. Oh great, another show that no one is going to watch; just what CBS is known for. Jimmy Fallon: The chief executive of Sony Music, Tommy Mottola, stepped down from his head position last week. In a related story, Mariah Carey is still laughing her fat ass off! It is rumored this week that Carlos Santana will appear at the Super Bowl, later this month. The rest of Santana’s band will also be appearing at the Super Bowl, but they are the ones that are scalping tickets outside the stadium. Tina Fey: The Coke-Cola Company is looking for singer Mya to become a national spokesperson; Mya will join Courtney Cox and Penelope Cruz as a team of spokeswomen. Mya has been commented to say, “I feel a bit out of place, considering that I am the only one in the group that isn’t married and/or dating a massive tool.” Pete Townshend, the guitarist of the legendary band The Who, last week admitted to: paying an online server to view Internet child pornography, but denied he is a pedophile and said it was for research purposes. After hearing this, Michael Jackson made a quite similar address denying his pedophilism. Jimmy Fallon: In further development of this story, the English police arrested Townshend. And now with a commentary on this subject is Mark Jennings Reese II. Mark Jennings Reese II: Thanks Jimmy! What is going on in the Entertainment business? What the hell! First, Pee-Wee Herman got busted – again, and then Mr. Rooney from “Ferris Bueller’s Off Day” got busted for paying a 14 year-old boy to take nude pictures. Where are all the good guys? Bobby and Whitney? Don’t get me started. Queen Latifah & Diana Ross both had DUI’s, and then recently Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day got busted on an alcoholic arrest. Then the bottom dropped out when, the great Pete Townshend got arrest for paying for child porno online. Now, I could end my commentary tonight without a main point, like Molly Shannon or Adam Sandler and just say something like “That’s CRAZY!” but I have dignity and integrity. I would instead like to say this: Queen Latifah, Diana Ross and Billie Joe Armstrong, its called rehab, check into it! That also goes for you, Nick Nolte! Pete Townshend, you’re British and you are a buddy, so you’re okay, but watch out. Michael Jackson may want to hang out with you, don’t swing that way, Please! Bobby and Whitney, Cheech and Chong called, they want to hook up. Pee-Wee Herman and Mr. Rooney, it’s called San Francisco, blend in! That’s it. Jimmy, Tina, back to you! Tina Fey: The hard rock group Godsmack announced that they would be releasing a new album in April. In a related story, I don’t care! Hollywood star Tom Cruise advised parents this week, to work hard to help their children having problems at school and not immediately put them on medication. Cruise went on to tell the parents to advise their kids not grow-up to crappy actors, just like him. Jimmy Fallon: Also this week, regarding Tom Cruise...Tom Cruise won $10 million in a gay defamation lawsuit. In celebration, Cruise went out and bought shoes! This week, Edie Falco, from “The Sopranos”, called 911 when her dog jumped into a nearby river during a walk. You know bad things are to come when your dog jumps into a river in the middle of January, to get away from you. (To the audience) Folks, Sopranos isn’t going to last forever! (Camera cuts to audience balcony where 2 Italian guys are sitting) Joey: Oh really! You hear that Ant’ny? Anthony: Show him, Joey! (Joey pulls out a gun and shoots a direct shot at Jimmy) (Jimmy falls off of his chair and drapes himself across the Update desk) Tina Fey: Jimmy, are you okay? (Jimmy raises his head) Jimmy Fallon: Acting, Thank you! Tina Fey: It was announced this week, that Mariah Carey will be singing the national anthem at the Dayton 500. Jeff Gordon said that he would gladly run her over, but he doesn’t want to seriously ruin his front end. Jimmy Fallon: Scientists discovered this week that Earth could be saved from asteroid attack by a 60-foot tall lava lamp. Hearing this, hippies and stoners worldwide said, “Dude!” Tina Fey: Finally tonight, CBS President Leslie Moonves vowed this past Monday that no one who sees the network's miniseries, this spring about a young Adolf Hitler, will come away feeling warm and fuzzy about one of history's most destructive men. There is no real punch line here, it’s just I wanted to show more proof that Network Executives and the Entertainment industry in general IS run by the Jewish community. Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
