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Professor Volitivo.....Will Forte Jimmy, Paperboy.....Mathew McConaughey Daughter.....Maya Rudolph Ugly Rachel.....Rachel Dratch Ugly Fred.....Fred Armisen Ugly Chris.....Chris Parnnell Paparazzi.....Horatio Sanz Male Voice 1.....Tracy Morgan Male Voice 2.....Jeff Richards Male Voice 3.....Seth Meyers [Scene: A basement type lab area. Professor Volitivo is sitting at his desk with his feet up. Enter Jimmy.] Jimmy: Hey Professor. What's up? Professor Volitivo: (getting to his feet) Hi there, Jimmy. I was just waiting for some investors to stop by. Jimmy: You mean you've sold one of your inventions? Dude, that's great! Professor Volitivo: It's more than that Jimmy. You see, what I've done is I've developed plans for an interstellar spaceship and what I propose to do is round up all the ugly people... Jimmy: And fly them straight into the sun, Professor? That's a brilliant idea! Cause once I saw these ugly people kissing on a bench...in broad daylight...and I couldn't eat for like three days after that. Professor Volitivo: No, no Jimmy. I'm planning to round up all the ugly people, including myself, and we're going to take off and start a new civilization. (moving to a chart on the wall and pointing to a marker that looks like a smiling face of Sandra Bernhard.) We're going to create a new world right here. Jimmy: But why Professor? Why? Professor Volitivo: You see Jimmy, this world isn't made for people like me. It's made for tall, dark, handsome people who don't spit when they talk and who don't suffer from crippling emotional disorders. Jimmy: You mean people like me? Professor Volitivo: (sneering) Yes Jimmy. People just like you... (shaking mean thoughts from his head) In this new world I plan to create, people will be judged by the merit of their work and not by the how much hair they have or by how fit they are. No longer will people be called fat, four eyes, butt ugly or (pensively) that weirdo freak who keeps staring at me. No Jimmy, what I aim to do is build a utopia. A beautiful, horrendously ugly Utopia. Jimmy: Well alright Professor, good luck. I'd like to help out but I have to go play ball with my friends and some chicks I met at the mall yesterday...oh sorry. Anyways, I'll see ya later. Professor Volitivo: Goodbye Jimmy. (Jimmy leaves) What a great kid. (sitting in chair) He almost makes me think that beautiful people aren't hopeless after all. [Cut to still shot of some far away planet. SUPER 'Planet Ugly 20 Years Later'. Cut to shot of Professor Volitivo on phone.] Professor Volitivo: Yes Mr. President. Yes sir I most certainly am looking forward to the big 20th anniversary party. No I realize you don't get any respect sir. Goodbye Mr. President...alright Goodbye Rodney. Goodbye sir. [Enter Daughter. Her hair is done beautifully and she's wearing a beautiful beige dress.] Daughter: Hello father. Professor Volitivo: Megan! What are you doing here? I told you that you weren't to leave your room today! Daughter: But father you're always making me stay in my room. I'll be twenty years old soon and I've never even left the house! Why father? I want to know why I can't live a normal life like everyone else! Professor Volitivo: We can discuss this another time. Quickly go to your room! The Triumvirate of Ugliness is coming over to discuss plans for the twentieth anniversary of our Planet's founding and they'll be here any minute. I can't let them see you! Daughter: But why? Are you ashamed of me father? Professor Volitivo: Oh heavens, no dear. You're my greatest accomplishment in life. (pause, pushing her away.) Now quick, go to your room and hide yourself in the closet until I tell you to come out. [Doorbell rings.] Professor Volitivo: You must go. Hurry! [Doorbell rings once more. Door bursts open. UglyChris, UglyRachel and UglyFred enter the room. They are dressed shabbily and are wearing stuff to make them look ugly. Chris not so much. Professor Volitivo jumps in front of Daughter to block her from view.] Ugly Chris: Hey there professeur. You were a little slow opening the door so we decided to knock it open... (gesturing towards hunchback UglyFred who's nose is broken and bloodied) with Fred's face. I hope you don't mind but we're really really anxious to get started on the plans for this week's celebration. Professor Volitivo: (trying to push Daughter away without anyone seeing) Uh hi, yeah no problem. Say, are you okay Fred? Ugly Fred: I've never felt better. (smiling with missing teeth) I'm sure to win re-election now! Ugly Rachel: (slaps Fred) Shut up you. That's the kind of talk that made us leave Earth in the first place. On this planet we don't base our decisions on looks! We're an advanced culture, you moron. (Rachel pokes Fred in the eye and they do a little three stooges bit.) Ugly Chris: Well let's get started shall we? (noticing that Professor Volitivo is trying to hide something behind him.) ...say professor what's that behind you? Ugly Fred: Yeah and what's that smell. Ugly Rachel: Yeah, oh it's awful. It's burning my nostrils. It smells like...perfume. (puts her nose under her armpit for relief from perfume smell.) Ugly Fred: What gives Professor? Professor Volitivo: It's an experiment, you see... Daughter: Enough of this father. It's me. I smell like perfume. It's from the scented oils I bathe in. [Ugly Chris, Ugly Fred and Ugly Rachel all look horrified.] Ugly Rachel: What is the meaning of this! Ugly Chris: Wait a minute...did she just call you...father? Professor Volitivo: Yes. Yes this is my daughter...Megan. Ugly Fred: I'm having trouble breathing... (stuff pours out of nose) Nevermind. Ugly Chris: (ignoring UglyFred) I thought your daughter was eaten by wolves? Which now, come to think of it, is rather strange since there are no wolves on this planet. [During next bit of dialogue UglyChris and UglyFred stare at Daughter. She makes sexy faces at them sometimes but not so much as to detract from other's dialogue.] Ugly Rachel: How? How could this happen. Your wife was absolutely hideous. I always wished I was half as hideous as her. Professor Volitivo: (moving over to table near phone and picking up picture) Ah yes. Sweet Jessica. (Closeup shot of picture which is a black and white face shot of Tracy Morgan in drag) I guess her inner beauty could not be contained. Ugly Rachel: What a bunch of crap. Anyways, look we can't have her living on this planet. It would mean an end to our entire way of life! [UglyRachel notices UglyFred and UglyChris staring at daughter and so she slaps them.] Professor Volitivo: Oh come now. What harm can this sweet beautiful girl cause? [Paparazzi enters from out of nowhere and starts taking pictures. Professor Volitivo, UglyRachel, UglyChris and UglyFred cover their faces.] Ugly Rachel: AHHHH! Professor Volitivo: Cover your face Megan! Daughter: What... [posing] What's happening. [After each picture taken, Daughter strikes a new pose.] Ugly Rachel: This is horrible. We've never had this sort of thing happen before. Professor Volitivo: Daughter quickly...hide your face. Daughter: I...can't. This device has some strange power over me. [Daughter leans forward with seductive look and baring cleavage] Paparazzi: (into camera) SCOOP, SCOOP! [Exit Paparazzi. Daughter looks as though she's just come out of a trance or something.] Professor Volitivo: Are you alright dear? Daughter: I think so...what happened? Ugly Rachel: I'll tell you what happened. The beginning of the end just happened! Professor Volitivo: Come now, surely you're overreacting... Paperboy: (offscreen) Extra Extra! [Everyone looks puzzled. UglyRachel walks to door and opens it. Tight shot of UglyRachel's face. Newspaper hits her square in the face.] Ugly Rachel: (shaking fist) Hey, you stupid kid! You almost knocked my nose back into joint! (picks up paper and then nods her head.) Overreacting eh? [UglyRachel holds up newspaper. On the cover is a sexy shot of Daughter and the caption reads 'You Must Be At Least This Beautiful To Read This'. Daughter seems happy at seeing herself while Professor Volitivo sighs.] Ugly Rachel: So it's settled then. We burn her at the stake. Professor Volitivo: No wait you can't! Ugly Rachel: Sorry professor, but the word of the Triumvirate of Ugliness is final. And we have agreed to burn her at the stake. (slapping UglyChris and UglyFred who are again staring) Isn't that right you guys? Ugly Chris: Absolutely. She should be stripped naked and paraded through the streets as punishment. Ugly Fred: Yes...and that guy with the camera should be there to document it. Ugly Rachel: (slapping UglyChris and UglyFred as she says each word) I ... said ...we ...burn ...her ...at ...the ...stake! Professor Volitivo: Please no. I'm begging you to reconsider! Ugly Rachel: Sorry. The Triumvirate has spoken. [UglyRachel glares at UglyChris and UglyFred who look frightened.] Ugly Chris: I'm...I'm sorry professeur but she's right. She'll be burned at the stake tomorrow afternoon. (Ugly Rachel smiles.) Naked of course. Ugly Rachel: (throws her hands up) ARGGH! [Exit UglyRachel.] Professor Volitivo: (exiting scene to follow UglyRachel) No wait! [Cut to shot of UglyChris and UglyFred staring stupidly at Daughter who is offscreen. Cut to scene of Daughter tied to a pole on top of a pile of sticks and stuff. 'Burning at the stake' type music plays in background.] Ugly Rachel: (offscreen) Burn her! Burn her! Male Voice 1: (offscreen) Burn her clothes first! Ugly Rachel: (offscreen) Quick c'mon what's the hold up? Burn her. Male Voice 2: (offscreen) Take it off baby! Ugly Rachel: (offscreen) Geez, I have to do everything myself. [UglyRachel enters scene and lights a match. Fake fire begins to burn.] Daughter: Oh my. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me? Male Voice 3: (offscreen) Oh it's you baby, it's you. Work the pole! Work the pole! [UglyRachel enters scene again, this time with can of gas. Fake fire gets higher.] Daughter: Father? Father? [Professor Volitivo enters scene. He is being held by two guards.] Professor Volitivo: This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault! [Professor Volitivo is dragged offscreen.] Daughter: (looking around) Well...at least I'm out of the house. [Dissolve to Professor Volitivo sitting in his chair in the lab from the beginning of sketch.] Professor Volitivo: Whoa, what a dream. [Enter Jimmy] Jimmy: Hey Professor, how's it going. Professor Volitivo: Oh hi Jimmy. I guess I must have dozed off. Jimmy: Oh geez...I was just on my way home when I saw a couple of ugly guys leaving your place with some ugly chick. I figured they were the investors and I came by to see how you did. I could try and catch them with my bike... Professor Volitivo: No, no Jimmy, don't bother. I won't be needing investors anymore because I've decided that running away is not the answer. No, I'm staying right here and I plan to make this world a better place for ugly people like myself. Jimmy: So you're going to go spread a message of tolerance and hope to the whole world? Professor Volitivo: Heh no. (putting his arm around Jimmy) I'm going to become a plastic surgeon. Jimmy: Wow, you're going to perform free cosmetic surgery? Professor Volitivo: No Jimmy. I may be ugly but I'm not stupid. I plan to get rich, marry a hot dumb blond and move to Fiji. Jimmy: How's that gonna help ugly people? Professor Volitivo: I don't know but it'll sure make ugly people like (pointing to himself) MYSELF happy. [They laugh.] Jimmy: I don't get it. Professor Volitivo: Heh heh of course you don't Jimmy. Of course you don't. [Professor Volitivo shuts off the light as he and Jimmy leave the room.] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
