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Boy.....Seth Meyers Voice Over.....Chris Parnell Happy Client.....Rachel Dratch (teenage boy is sitting at a desk with books surrounding him, studying intently.) Boy: (looks up from work, discouraged) It’s no use, all of this is never going to get me anywhere! V/O: What’s the matter, chief? Boy: (looks at camera, then crosses arms making a pouty face) Nothin’! V/O: Trouble with the ladies? Boy: No! V/O: Exams got you stressing? Boy: No, not really.. V/O: Oh, I know, it’s affirmative action, isn’t it? Boy: Yeah! I have a 3.5 GPA and an SAT score of 1150, and I haven't gotten acceptances from any of the universities I’ve applied for! V/O: What your cracker-ass needs is.. The Whitey Scholarship! Just look at these happy clients.. (cut to: what looks like a Hooked on Phonics advertisement.) Happy Client: My son was never an exceptional student, always had A’s and B’s on report cards with the occasional C. And he doesn’t "got game", as the young people say. But, with the Whitey Scholarship, my son got accepted to the local university regardless of his ball-handling skills! (cut back to voice-over who is now in front of camera.) V/O: So you’re probably asking yourself.. Who’s qualified for the racial barrier-breaking scholarship? I’ve called upon the folks at the Home Depot to answer this question. (Holds up paint sample, a strip of paper with colors ranging from light to dark. There is a red line drawn through the middle. Underneath the red line are white and beige colors, above are brown and black.) Anyone with a skin color below this red line is qualified for the Whitey Scholarship! (cut to: Graduation ceremony, voice over guy and frustrated boy are shaking hands and smiling at the camera.) V/O: (while shaking boy’s hand) The Whitey Scholarship.. Fighting the "race card" since 2003. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
