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INT. GRAVEYARD - GLOOMY DAY UNDERTAKER 1 and UNDERTAKER 2 are digging a grave. A wooden COFFIN sits beside them. From the coffin comes a KNOCK. UNDERTAKER 1 Did you hear something? UNDERTAKER 2 Sounded like a knock. COFFIN (VO) Hello? Is someone out there? UNDERTAKER 2 It’s coming from the coffin. UNDERTAKER 1 Hello. Who is this? COFFIN (VO) Mr. John Peters. UNDERTAKER 1 Are you dead? COFFIN (VO) Well, kind of. UNDERTAKER 2 You’re not quite dead? COFFIN (VO) No. Not completely dead. UNDERTAKER 1 Are you the living dead? COFFIN (VO) Yeah, that’s right. Something like that. UNDERTAKER 1 Oh dear. We got a real zombie on our hands. UNDERTAKER 2 Um...do you know you’re scheduled to be buried today? COFFIN (VO) Yes. That’s what I want to talk to you about. I was wondering if you guys could let me out of here. UNDERTAKER 1 What for? COFFIN (VO) I don’t want to be buried. UNDERTAKER 1 You really should of thought of that before you died. UNDERTAKER 2 Look. Why don’t you want to be buried? COFFIN (VO) I’m afraid of the dark. UNDERTAKER 2 Well, it’s dark in the coffin isn’t it? COFFIN (VO) No. I have a light, but it only comes on when the door is open. UNDERTAKER 2 Well, we can’t have you lying around here talking to people. If you didn’t want to be buried, why didn’t you just get cremated? COFFIN (VO) Well would you want to be stuffed into a burning hot inferno of fire? UNDERTAKER 1 You’re an awful noisy dead person. UNDERTAKER 2 Look. We’re not going to argue with you about this. Now I’m very sorry but we’re just not allowed to disturb the deceased. COFFIN (VO) I’m already disturbed. UNDERTAKER 2 Well, I realize you’re not in the most ideal situation and all, but that’s one of the drawbacks of being dead. You don’t always get a lot of say in what goes on. So I’m very sorry, but there’s just nothing we can do. UNDERTAKER 1 Well, hold on. Hold on. Look. You don’t want to be buried. Right? COFFIN (VO) Right. UNDERTAKER 1 And you don’t want to be cremated. Right? COFFIN (VO) Right. UNDERTAKER 1 And you don’t want to be thrown into the ocean. Right? COFFIN (VO) I don’t think so. UNDERTAKER 1 Well, here’s what we can do. INT. FRONT WALKWAY OF COUNTRYSIDE HOUSE - GLOOMY DAY A SALESMAN walks up to the house with a cart of corpses. He rings the bell and a MAN answers. MAN Yes. SALESMAN Can I interest you in a dead body? MAN Excuse me. SALESMAN Dead bodies. You know...um...stiffs. MAN Well I don’t think we need any. SALESMAN Mind you I don’t know whether you’ve really considered the advantages of owning a dead body. The man’s wife, WOMAN, comes to the door. WOMAN Who’s this? MAN It’s a salesman. WOMAN What are you selling? SALESMAN Dead bodies, madam. WOMAN Well, why would I want a dead body? SALESMAN I’m glad you asked. First let me give you these free complementary books ‘101 Things To Do With A Corpse’ and ‘Stiffs For Kids’. The Salesman hands Woman the two books. WOMAN (reading) Number 47. Put the dead body in place of you at work. SALESMAN But of course, madam. While you sit at home relaxing, your dead body will just hang around the office for however long you want. MAN Well, I’m sorry but I don’t think were... WOMAN What else can you do with them? SALESMAN Well, it gives the dog something to chew on, scares the kids at Halloween, starts dinner conversations, and also let me remind you, if you’re feeling lonely, pull out the dead body and talk to it. It’ll listen. WOMAN (to Man) Well, you certainly don’t listen to me. MAN Honey, I don’t think... WOMAN How much do they cost? SALESMAN Well, we have all types of corpses. All specially priced but I assure you, they are all completely affordable and they are all quite dead. WOMAN What do you got? SALESMAN Well, we have this man. He’s been dead for fourteen years. Car accident. That’s why his foot’s so flat. $24.50. There’s him. He dates back to 1956 so he’s really dead. You’d certainly be getting your money’s worth there. WOMAN Yes. I wouldn’t want any of these dead bodies coming back to life. SALESMAN Who would? WOMAN How much does he cost? SALESMAN Well, he’s a little pricer. He cost $59.95. Woman thinks. SALESMAN (CONT’D) We also have this stoned dead accountant from India (pulls up a real Indian man off cart) He just died a few weeks ago. WOMAN No. I really like this really dead guy. SALESMAN Ah, the 1956 model. WOMAN I’ll buy it. SALESMAN Excellent choice. WOMAN Here you are. $59.95. She hands the Salesman the money. SALESMAN Thank you, madam. And here’s your corpse. The Salesman hands the corpse to Man who takes it inside the house. SALESMAN (CONT’D) Can I interest you in a complementary dead weasel to go with your corpse? WOMAN No thanks. We’ve already got one. SALESMAN Well, if there’s nothing else then, I’ll just be on my way. Have a nice day, now. WOMAN Thank you. The Salesman walks away. MAN (OS) Honey, his head fell off. BLACK OUT. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
