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Dracula.....Christopher Walken PC Lisa.....Rachel Dratch PC Gary.....Dean Edwards Police1.....Horatio Sanz Police2.....Jimmy Fallon Mummy.....Tracy Morgan Wolfman.....Seth Meyers [Scene: External shot of a creepy haunted house. Cut to inside shot of Dracula answering the door of his home.] Dracula: (opening door) Good evening...(rudely) who the hell are you? PC Lisa: Hello. (Holding up a T) Have u ever thought about converting to Christianity? Dracula: (Shielding face) AHHH STOP PUT THAT DOWN! PC Gary: Heh heh. U have to excuse my associate she was only having a little fun with u. PC Lisa: Heh yeah. Check it out, it's not even a cross it's a T. See? Dracula: Well whatever, could u please put it away. It's giving me the heebie-jeebies. PC Lisa: Sorry. PC Gary: We're actually here to serve u with a court injunction which will prevent u from going out and sucking tonight. Dracula: Are you sure you don't want Craig Kilborn? Cause he's just two doors over. PC Lisa: No. No this is the right place. U are Count Dracula is that correct? Dracula: Yes. PC Gary: We're part of a political action group that's trying to fight discrimination whenever we find it. And on behalf of Harvey Finkelstein, we've goneout and got this injunction against you. Dracula: Harvey Finkelstein? PC Lisa: Yes, do u recall converting our client to the legion of the undead last Tuesday? Dracula: (thinks for a moment.) Oh yeah Finkelstein. So? PC Lisa: (taking a Star of David Medallion from her purse.) Did he not produce this and ask u to begone. Dracula: Yeah so. PC Gary: But instead, u proceeded to suck his blood. Dracula: Hello. I'm Dracula over here. What did you want me to do...go downstairs and make him some warm milk and apologize for bothering him? PC Lisa: Well, being Dracula doesn't mean u can get away with being anti-Semitic. Dracula: What? Come in please, so we can discuss this. [Camera changes to interior of room camera. The trio sit down.] Dracula: Please sit down. Look I can assure u I am not anti-Semitic. I suck blood from Jews and Gentiles alike. PC Gary: True. But, by giving special treatment to the cross (pulls out a cross from briefcase. Dracula recoils in horror. puts cross away.), u are indirectly discriminating not only against the Jews but also against the Hindu's and Buddists and the Muslim's and well the list goes on. Dracula: Alright. Please no more with the crosses. Look, there are special circumstances that have left me vulnerable to the cross. I don't know why it's only the cross but hey, that's the way I am. PC Gary: [sighs] We thought u might say that...and given that u've had 500 years to change and haven't, we'll assume u're not going to give up on this cross obsession. That's why we're not insisting that you give up your vulnerability to the cross but instead add the Star of David, Buddahs... Dracula: [interrupting] Yes, I get the picture, I have to be allergic to any item with religious significance. PC Gary: Yes...as well as some non-religious items including Benjamin Bunny from the Beatrix Potter figurine collection. (PC Lisa takes figurine out of handbag and pushes it towards Dracula while making a snarling face) I actually have a list here. (takes a scroll out of his briefcase and unravels it. The list unravels to be about 10 feet long.) No wait...this is the shopping list for the office party next week. (reaches into briefcase again and pulls out another scroll. He unravels it and it only ends up being a couple of feet long). (giving list to Dracula) There we go. PC Lisa: (taking a book out of her handbag) And I also have here a self hypnosis book to help you along the way. Oh and this is the number for Dr. Alan Google. He's a shock therapist. Yeah, he can cure mental illness or create it. It's all good. He's a genius. PC Gary: So what do you say? Dracula: I say you guys are freakin' oddballs. Now get the hell out of my house. PC Gary: I'm sorry you feel that way Mr. Dracula. Looks like this injunction is only the start. U'll never work in this town again. [PC Gary and PC Lisa motion as though they are going to get to their feet.] Dracula: Wait wait. C'mon guys. U can't do this to me. Feeding on other people's blood is my whole life. And c'mon, LA is the perfect place for that so...let's try and work something out. [PC Lisa lifts up the Benjamin Bunny figurine and makes a scary face while pushing it towards Dracula.] Dracula: (half heartedly) Oh...oh no. Not that...ahhh. I'm turning to dust...must get out of here. PC Gary: That's the spirit. Dracula: Forget this. [The Mummy enters.] Mummy: (holding beer) Yo Dracula. You gotta go check it out. Wolfman is plastered man. He says he's black and in order to prove it he says he's gonna shave himself. C'mon man. Dracula: No. No I don't feel much like partying big guy. Mummy: What's the matter man, u sick? Dracula: Yeah I'm sick. I've been doing what I do for the last 500 years and now these people come here with their injunction and try to shut me down. And why? Cause this world has gone crazy. We're so scared to offend someone that we've stopped doing anything. Is that right? Is it right to walk around in constant fear of offending some group or someone's morals at the expense of speaking our minds? Is it wrong for me to be who I am because somewhere there is someone who thinks I should be something else? I can't change who I am, so I guess I'll have to honor your injunction. But before you leave, look in the mirror and ask yourselves: 'Who's the real monster here?'. [Dracula begins to cry. PC Rachel moves over to couch and allows Dracula to cry on her shoulder.] Mummy: That was beautiful man. PC Gary: I'm sorry Mr. Dracula but our position is firm on this. Let's go Lisa. [PC Gary and PC Lisa get up. PC Lisa stops by the mirror next to the door.] PC Lisa: Do you think maybe he has a point. PC Gary: Well... PC Lisa: (shocked) What the hell? Where's my reflection. [PC Lisa touches her neck and notices blood on her hand. PC Gary and PC Lisa turn to look at Dracula who is sitting with his arms out wide on the couch. Dracula has a big smile on his face.] PC Lisa: Dammit, we had an injunction! Dracula: What can I say. I'm a badass. Mummy: Oh man, that was sweet. [Dracula and the Mummy shake hands. Enter Wolfman carrying a razor. He has a patch of hair missing.] Wolfman: See...I told you I was black. Mummy: Dude. U're white! Wolfman: I got Vitiligo man. That's all. PC Lisa: (angrily walks over to Dracula) Get up. [Dracula gets up.] Dracula: C'mon chill. PC Lisa: Give me the stake Gary. [PC Gary produces a stake from his briefcase. PC Lisa tries to stab Dracula but he moves out of the way and hits the Mummy who goes flying towards the Wolfman and as he falls towards the Wolfman the beer in the Mummy's hand strikes the Wolfman in the head. The Wolfman falls flat. Everyone's attention is turned towards the sprawling Wolfman. The Mummy bends over to check his pulse.] Mummy: Dude...he's not breathing...I don't get it...I just hit him with this beer can. PC Lisa: Wait a minute...what kind of beer is that? Mummy: Coors light. PC Gary: Omigosh...the silver bullet! PC Lisa: Damn...u killed him! [Sirens sound.] Dracula: It's the cops! PC Lisa: Scramble! [Everyone runs away except the Mummy who is totally stunned by the whole thing. The police knock open the door.] Police1: Freeze! Mummy: Huh? Police2: He's got a gun. [The police shoot the Mummy like 20 times.] Police1: Well. He got what he deserved. You can't kill the Wolfman and get away with it. [Wolfman lifts his head.] Wolfman: Whoa. What the hell happened? Police1: AHH Wolfman! [The police shoot Wolfman like 20 times. Wolfman is sprawled out on the floor yet again. Police sirens sound.] Police2: It's the cops. Scramble! [Police1 and Police2 exit scene] [Fade out as Mummy is getting back to his feet still with beer in hand.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
