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Detective Schnauzer.....Christopher Walken Detective Julie.....Amy Poehler Detective Susan.....Rachel Dratch Detective James.....Chris Kattan Lieutenant Sims.....Dean Edwards Butler.....Conan O'Brien [Scene: A bare back room in a police headquarters. Detective Julie, Detective Susan and Detective James are all standing around looking at evidence that is scattered on a big table.] [Enter Lieutenant Sims through door.] Lieutenant Sims: Alright you guys. Listen up. We've spent over 500 man hours trying to figure out who stole Master P's million dollar watch and we've gotten nowhere. No leads nothing. That's why I'm bringing in an expert. Detective Julie: Aww c'mon sir. We can totally figure this out. We don't need no outsiders trying to tell us how to do our jobs. Lieutenant Sims: Now now. I want you to guys to cooperate with this guy. He's not your normal detective. This guy is big time. He's got more drug busts, more missing person's found and he's busted more theft rings than any detective in the country times two. Oh yeah and he's half human, half dog. [The three Detectives look at one another with looks of shock as there is a knock on the door. Enter Detective Edgar Schnauzer. He has a nose like a dog and paws as well.] Detective Schnauzer: Hello Lieutenant. Lieutenant Sims: Hello Detective. It's an honor to have you aboard. Detective James: (to Detective Julie) Don't look now but I think it's the Shaggy D.A.. Lieutenant Sims: James! Detective Schnauzer: That's alright Lieutenant. (walking over to the others.) Hello, I'm Detective Edgar Schnauzer. [Detective Schnauzer sticks out hand like a dog doing the 'Shake-a-paw' trick.] Detective Julie: [grabbing his paw] Uhhh hello. I'm Detective Julie McLanin. [Detective Schnauzer lowers his head and sniffs Detective Julie's lower area.] Detective Schnauzer: I have two words for you Detective Julie McLanin. Water. Vinegar. [Detective Julie looks insulted. Detective Schnauzer moves over to Detective James.] Detective James: Hello. I'm Detective James McAmister. [Detective Schnauzer lowers his head and sniffs Detective James lower area.] Detective Schnauzer: I have three words for you Detective James McAmister. Wipe, don't dab. [Detective James looks disgusted as Detective Schnauzer moves over to Detective Susan.] Detective Susan: Uh Hello. I'm Detective Susan Osbourne. [Detective Schnauzer lowers his head and sniffs Detective Susan's lower area. She flinches preparing for what he's going to say.] Detective Schnauzer: Do you own a bidet? Detective Susan: (apprehensively) Yes... Detective Schnauzer: I knew it. A woman with class. [Detective Schnauzer takes Detective Susan's hand but instead of kissing the top of it he gives it a long lick and then winks at her.] Detective Schnauzer: Shall we get started? Lieutenant Sims: Alright, well we don't have much in terms of new leads. (Everyone sits down around the table.) Did you have time to read the reports I sent you. Detective Schnauzer: Yes, I've read over your reports but...something didn't smell right. I think a quick sniff of the crime scene photos might put me on the right trail. Lieutenant Sims: (to Detective Julie who is looking over crime scene photos) Julie, could u please give the crime scene photos to the Detective. Detective Julie: Look sir I just want to say one thing. This is turning into a farce. No offense to the "detective" but this is ridiculous. (to Detective Schnauzer) Something doesn't smell right for sure...doggy breath. Detective Schnauzer: I've sniffed subway turnstiles that had fewer distinct crotch scents than you. Can I see the pictures now that we've got the insults out of the way. Detective Julie: (throwing the pictures under the table) Fetch. [The Lieutenant is about to scold Detective Julie but Detective Schnauzer raises his hand as if to say 'it's alright'. He then goes under the table to retrieve the photos.] Detective James: (looking at his crotch and under the table.) Hey, what the hell? [Though off screen Detective James gives the impression that he is kicking something away under the table.] Detective Schnauzer: (coming up from under table to take his seat) I'm sorry about that. It's an instinctive sort of thing. I am part dog afterall. Detective James: Yeah right...what are u part sausage hound? Detective Schnauzer: If I enjoyed sniffing u I'd be a Shih Tzu. Lieutenant Sims: Alright u guys, can we get back to the case please. [Detective Schnauzer begins sniffing the pictures.] Detective Schnauzer: It was the butler. Detective Julie: Please, how can he know that from smelling a picture? Detective Schnauzer: The nose always knows. Detective James: Thanks Toucan Sam...now can u tell me where Captain Crunch is hiding? Detective Schnauzer: I believe it was Volcanica. Detective James: Really? (pensively) Yet all the clues pointed to Tahiti. (sarcastic) Anyways Ms. Fletcher, we just finished questioning Mr. Belvedere and his alibi seemed legit...too legit to quit in fact. Detective Julie: Plus, we've searched his quarters thoroughly and found nothing and like it said in the report...according to the other servants, he hadn't left the house since the left so...I'm afraid u're barking up the wrong tree. Detective Schnauzer: (to the Lieutenant) Is he still here? Lieutenant Sims: He might be. James go see if u can catch up with the butler before he... [Butler enters interrupting the Lieutenant's request.] Butler: (In sophisticated accent like the one he used in that white Irish boxer skit.) Excuse me...but I believe I left my walking stick here somewhere. (locates walking stick) Ah there it is, I guess I'll be on my way. Ta ta. Detective Schnauzer: (standing up) Wait a second sir. U're just the man I wanted to see. [Detective Schnauzer sniffs the Butler all over.] Butler: What...what is the meaning of this? I am not a brockwurst, I am a man! Detective Schnauzer: True. A man and a thief. Butler: What? Detective Schnauzer: May I see your hat. Butler: But of course. [Detective Schnauzer begins searching the Butler's hat.] Detective James: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. [Detective Schnauzer cringes as he realizes the million dollar watch isn't in the hat.] Butler: (taking his hat from a bewildered Detective Schnauzer) Good day again officers. This has been an abhorrent waste of my afternoon. (looking at watch and then wagging his finger) It is almost time for Master P to sup and he'll be none too happy if I'm not there to butter his scones for him. Detective Schnauzer: (looking at the smug Butler about to put his hat back on) Wait. Nothing in your hat...I guess that can mean only one thing. Detective Julie: He's innocent...duh. [Detective Schnauzer reaches over and pulls the Butler's toupee off revealing Master P's million dollar watch. Everyone gasps.] Detective James: He's bald! Lieutenant Sims: U're going away for a long time bald man. Butler: (pulls out a gun) Very clever Detective Schnauzer. But u're too clever for your own good. Back everyone, lest my pistola be your end. Now me and my hostage are leaving. [The Butler grabs Detective Susan.] Detective Schnauzer: No wait. Take me instead. Butler: (annoyed) Alright. Hurry up. Detective Schnauzer: Okay...(pretending to sneeze) ah ah... (takes his toupee off and throws it at Butler) get 'em. [The Butler drops the gun and struggles with the toupee which is growling loudly. The two fall to the floor.] Detective James: (patting Detective Schnauzer on his bald head) Well well, if it isn't the King and I. Detective Susan: (pointing offscreen towards the floor) What's going on? Detective Schnauzer: Well it appears I had to reveal a little secret of mine. That was no ordinary hairpiece. It was my partner Detective Sickemwiz. (Growling stops and Detective Schnauzer bends down and lifts a real dog from out of shot. Setting Shih Tzu on table.) Good boy. [Lieutenant Sims picks Butler up off the floor from out of shot.] Lieutenant Sims: James give me a hand. (Detective James takes hold of Butler. Lieutenant Sims picks up Master P's million dollar watch) You thought u'd get away with the ice...but now u're gonna be on ice for a long time...thanks to you Detective. [Detective Schnauzer and Lieutenant Sims shake hands.] Detective Schnauzer: After a quick sniff of the pictures I realized it had to be the Butler. Since u didn't find the watch in his quarters I assumed he must be keeping it on his person. I guess with all the police around watching he thought to...well keep things under his hat so to speak.. Heh. But really we have Detective Sickemwiz to thank for his capture. [closeup of dog.] Lieutenant Sims: Thank you both. Detective James: Yeah u guys are the best. U're like G.I. Joe and the Transformers rolled into one...or two. Lieutenant Sims: Let's get this loser out of here. [Exit Lieutenant Sims, Detective James and Butler] Detective Susan: (to Detective Schnauzer)Wow. You are amazing. Detective Schnauzer: Please. I'm just a detective. Your eyes...now that's what I call amazing. Detective Susan: Aww shucks. Say...I'm going to go on break. Care to share a donut? Detective Schnauzer: (linking arms with Detective Susan) I'd love to. [Exit Detective Schnauzer and Detective Susan. Detective Julie puts her finger on the table and walks around the dog.] Detective Julie: Hey there Sickemwiz. The way you handled that creep really made me heat up. If u're not doing anything after work...maybe we can go back to my place and kick it...doggy style. I know I only have two teats but...I've got thumbs baby. (rubbing the dog behind the ear)Oh yeah...u like that don't u. Woof woof baby. Woof woof. [Fade out on closeup of dog smiling.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
