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Laura Bush.....Amy Poehler President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell Condoleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Ari Fleischer.....Jimmy Fallon SCENE BEGINS WITH EXTERIOR SHOT OF WHITE HOUSE THE SHOT PANS IN AND THEN SWITCHES TO AN INTERIOR SHOT OF THE OVAL OFFICE WITH GEORGE BUSH TALKING TO COLIN POWELL ON THE PHONE-LAURA BUSH BY HIS SIDE President George W. Bush: (on the phone with Powell) ...Yes, I understand Colin. It looks like 1441 ain't gonna make it. Those damn "tree-hugging" hippie countries are going to veto our resolution. Damn, Frogs. Listen, just keep me informed okay. Oh, and one more thing Colin, how come I don't ever see you and Dick Cheney in the same place at the same time? It's kind of like a Superman-Clark Kent kind of thing going on. I'd like for you to shed some light on that subject if you could...(Colin's phone hangs up)...Hello?...Hello?...Aw, forget it then. GEORGE BUSH HANGS UP PHONE Laura Bush: What's wrong honey? President George W. Bush: The UN's gonna veto our resolution. (shakes head) And here I was thinking horseshoes were lucky. Laura Bush: What do you think happened? President George W. Bush: I'll tell you what happened. We didn't make a strong enough case against Saddam. We had a lot of what you call "circumstantial" evidence. I didn't find out until after the proposal was given that "circumstantial" is just a big word for "made-up." Laura Bush: What are you going do? President George W. Bush: I'm gonna write a new proposal all by myself to give to the UN to show for a fact that Saddam is a tyrant that needs to be dealt with immediately. You know me Laura, I'm not a man who's used to not getting what he wants. When I wanted to get out of going to Vietnam, I got what I wanted. When I wanted a grown-up "toy" to play with, I bought the Texas Rangers and I got what I wanted again. And when I wanted to be President of the United States, Daddy and Uncle Ronnie's Supreme Court made sure I got that too. Now if you'll excuse me honey, I've got alot of work to do if I want to get this new proposal emailed off by tonight. BUSH SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND PULLS OUT A LAPTOP COMPUTER AND SETS IT ON THE TABLE Laura Bush: Okay honey, I'll go ahead and leave so you can start. Oh, and remember to use spell-check. President George W. Bush: Thanks honey. Just lock the door on the way out. I don't want to be disturbed. LAURA LEAVES ROOM GEORGE BEGINS TO TYPE ON THE COMPUTER President George W. Bush: (talking to himself) My Second Resolution to the United Nations by George W. Bush. Center tab. (pushes button) GEORGE PULLS AWAY FROM THE DESK AND SCRATCHES HIS CHIN President George W. Bush: Maybe some music will get me started. GEORGE PULLS OUT A SONY WALKMAN AND PLACES IT ON HIS HEAD HE PRESSES PLAY AND BEGINS SINGING TO CCR's "FORTUNATE SON" President George W. Bush: (singing) It ain't me....It ain't me...I ain't no fortunate sooooon. HAVING LEFT THE OVAL OFFICE, LAURA BUSH RUNS INTO CONDOLEEZA RICE IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE Condoleeza Rice: Hello, Mrs. Bush. Is the President in his office? Laura Bush: Yes, he is Condee. But, he doesn't want to be disturbed right now. Condoleeza Rice: Why's that? Laura Bush: He's writing a new resolution for the United Nations and he's going to email it to them tonight. Condoleeza Rice: (surprised) Really. Who's helping him? Laura Bush: No one. He told me he was going to do it all by himself. Condoleeza Rice: (scared) Oh my god! CONDOLEEZA PICKS UP HER WALKIE TALKIE Condoleeza Rice: (shouting) CODE RED! CODE RED! ALL ON DUTY CABINET MEMBERS TO THE OVAL OFFICE IMMEDIATELY! CODE RED! Laura Bush: What's going on? Condoleeza Rice: Don't worry Mrs. Bush, everything's under control...I hope. RETURN TO BUSH IN THE OVAL OFFICE STILL WITH HEADPHONES ON President George W. Bush: (talking to himself while typing) Members of the United Nations, I once again come before you to tell you of the menace that Saddam Hussein is. Where I come from, which is Texas, Saddam is what we call "bad-people"... RETURN TO CONDOLEEZA AND LAURA NOW STANDING OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE DOOR CONDOLEEZA TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT CAN'T. SHE BANGS ON THE DOOR AS DICK CHENEY ENTERS THE SCENE Condoleeza Rice: (banging) Mr. President! Open the door, sir! Dick Cheney: I got here as soon as I could. What's wrong? Condoleeza Rice: The president has locked himself in the Oval Office. Dick Cheney: Yeah. What's so strange about that? Condoleeza Rice: He's locked himself in so that he can write a new proposal to the UN all by himself and email it to the UN tonight. Dick Cheney: Dear God! There's only one thing to do. I'm going to have to break down this door. Stand back ladies. DICK BACKS UP TO CHARGE THE DOOR DICK RUNS TOWARDS THE DOOR AND FALLS TO FLOOR HOLDING HIS HEART BEFORE HE EVER REACHES IT LAURA AND CONDEE LOOK AT EACH OTHER PUZZLED Laura Bush: (puzzled) What happened? RETURN TO GEORGE INSIDE OVAL OFFICE OPERATING A MICROWAVE OVEN NEXT TO THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR President George W. Bush: Damn, I love microwave popcorn. This should get my juices going. GEORGE RETURNS TO DESK WITH POPCORN President George W. Bush: Okay, where was I. Oh, yes. I personally believe UN inspections do not work in containing Saddam's "tyrancy." I mean, give me a break. Saddam already knows when the UN inspectors are coming. I mean, you guys have that big "UN" painted on the side of all your vehicles. He can see that a mile away. And what about those "panty-waste" blue hats you wear. You guys stick out like a sore thumb. How are you going to surprise anyone. You may as well be wearing safety-orange... RETURN TO CONDEE, LAURA, AND DICK WHO IS RECOVERING FROM HIS HEART ATTACK OUTSIDE Laura Bush: Are you alright, Dick? Dick Cheney: I'm alright. Nothing a couple of new Duracells can't fix. Condoleeza Rice: How are we going to stop him? Dick Cheney: I don't know. But, we've got to be ready for any contingency. Ari, get over here. ENTER ARI FLEISCHER Ari Fleischer: Yes, Mr. Secretary. Dick Cheney: Write this down. Quote, "President Bush's new resolution to the UN is nothing more than a fraud perpatrated by Sadddam Hussein himself, done in order to make the president look foolish." Unquote. RETURN TO GEORGE President George W. Bush: (still talking and typing) ...I might sound foolish by saying this, but it must be said. Not only does Saddam have WMD's, I believe that Saddam is also training camels to carry out suicide missions. That second hump on their backs may be more than meets the eye... RETURN TO OUTSIDE Ari Fleischer: I'll get right on it. Dick Cheney: Good. But, we still have to find a way to stop him. Ari Fleischer: How about using the secret entrance to the Oval Office? Condoleeza Rice: What secret entrance? Ari Fleischer: You know. The one Clinton had installed so he could funnel hookers through without Hillary knowing. Dick Cheney: You know where it is? Ari Fleischer: Sure. Follow me. RETURN TO BUSH President George W. Bush: ...So ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, the moment of truth has come. It is time for you to decide on my new resolution. You will now choose to either be a Justice League or to be a coward to Saddam's Legion of Doom. I hope you make the right choice. Thank you. GEORGE GOES TO PUSH THE SEND BUTTON AS DICK CHENEY EMERGES FROM THE SECRET ENTRANCE BEHIND A SPINING BOOKCASE Dick Cheney: (in slow motion diving for George) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DICK TACKLES GEORGE TO THE FLOOR CONDOLEEZA GRABS THE LAPTOP AND SMASHES IT ON THE FLOOR CONDEE, LAURA, AND ARI JUMP ON IT TO MAKE SURE ITS DEAD President George W. Bush: (angry) DICK! What the hell did you do that for? I was just about ready to send my new resolution to the UN. Dick Cheney: I know sir. I had to stop you from embarassing yourself...again. President George W. Bush: You had to stop me? Why? Is this what my daddy pays you for? Dick Cheney: Yes sir, it is. All of us. EVERYONE SHAKES THEIR HEADS "YES" President George W. Bush: So I should really be saying thanks to all of you for protecting me from myself? Dick Cheney: Yes sir. And you should be saying one more thing. President George W. Bush: What's that? Dick Cheney: Well sir, It's.... All: Live From New York, its Saturday Night! SCENE ENDS Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
