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Host, John Lehr.....Chris Parnell Robin Leach.....Darrell Hammond Downtown Julie Brown.....Maya Rudolph Tyson Beckford.....Dean Edwards Nikki Ziering.....Amy Poehler Melissa Rivers.....Tina Fey Bruce Jenner.....Will Forte Alana Stewart.....Seth Meyers Chris Judd.....Fred Armisen (Open with host in jungle.) John Lehr: Good evening everyone and thank you to those of you who had the patience to return to watch another episode of "I'm A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here!", or whatever thses people we got together are. Things got hairy last night as Melissa Rivers once again accidentally spent the night sleeping in the arms of an orangeatang. We've got an exiting show for you all today. Just please stay patient. Please! I swear we're going to have some kind of competition 45 minuts into the show. Well, let's see what the gang is up to. (Cut to contestants sprawled out around the camp, looking worn out.) Melissa Rivers: Ohhhhh, my god! The heat! The heat! I can't take it! I can't move! Downtown Julie Brown: Bitch, maybe if you didn't spend all night getting yo' freak on with Bubbles behind those trees you'd have more energy! Tyson Beckford: Man, you women are of no help at all! You all couldn't survive a day without us! (Tyson stands up.) Tyson Beckford: (screaming) YOU ALL HEAR ME! YOU WOULDN'T LAST A DAY! A DAMN DAY! AM I RIGHT FELLAS? (Robin Leach comes stumbling in, drenched in sweat.) Robin Leach: Allright, listen up everyone. It's time to search our sweaty bodies for ticks! (Robin lifts his shirt up, revealing a huge gut.) Robin Leach: Who wants to search me? (The entire group cries in dismay.) Bruce Jenner: Who is that blonde girl lying on the log? Melissa Rivers: Chrisse, or Nikki, or whoever the hell you are, why don't you get off your ass for once and search Robin? Nikki Ziering: Ummmm...well...no, I'm a model. I'm just gonna you know, chill, hang out, look pretty, use our drinking water to wash my magnificant hair. Tyson Beckford: You women wouldn't last a day without us! Bruce Jenner: Tyson, enough already! Downtown Julie Brown: Yeah, really. (Alana stands up, crying hysterically.) Alana Stewart: People, please! Why can't we get along? I'm trying so hard, and it never seems to be good enough. This isn't helping my career! Tyson Beckford: What career, fool? Alana Stewart: What do I have to do to fit in here? Tyson Beckford: Try helping for once. Alana Stewart: I tried, but.... (Alana's crying makes her words unintelligable. She starts jumping up and down, then starts spinning around in a mad frenzy. Meliss goes up to give her a hug.) Melissa Rivers: It's allright girl! It's allright! Us celebrities got to stick together! Robin Leach: (with gut still hanging out) So am I to assume that no one is going to search me? Melissa Rivers: Chris, why don't you go help him out? You must be used to big circumferences on a human body after being married to J. Lo! Tyson Beckford: Ooooooo!!!! Downtown Julie Brown: No she didn't! Chris Judd: Oh come on now. That's not fair! Nikki Ziering: Just leave Chris alone! He's only got a minute left to his 15 minutes of fame! Downtown Julie Brown: Nikki, how the hell did you get on this show? Nikki Ziering: Damn girl, chill! Well see here's the story. I knew this guy who was putting the show together, and after the last so-called(puts her hands up in quotes) "celebrity" Joe Piscopo turned the show down, I got called up, and I was just like "Hells yeah!". Melissa Rivers: Oi vey! This is gonna kill my career! Downtown Julie Brown: (in mocking voice) The career you got from Mommy! Why don't you go run home and cry to your Mommy! Melissa Rivers: (crying) I DON'T NEED THIS! YOU SEMI-CELEBRITIES AND.... (Melissa points to Nikki.) Melissa Rivers: AND WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (Melissa goes prancing off into the jungle like a child.) Bruce Jenner: Good, she's gone. Robin Leach: Oh dear, I hope she won't get any ticks! COULD SOMEONE PLEASE SEARCH MY BODY? Downtown Julie Brown: Robin, enough! (Later in the show, the host comes down to tell the crew what the next competition is.) John Lehr: Ok everyone. It's time for tonight's competition for 10 meals. Tonight Alana has been selected to compete. Alana Stewart: I am so happy to provide this service for you all. John Lehr: Ok, Alana, using only your mouth, you must collect a star for each meal at the bottom of animal and bug infested tanks. Alana Stewart: Bring it on! Just bring it on! (Alana and John start to leave, but an ape jumps ouf of the jungle and on to Alana, and the two start wrestling, destroying the camp.) Alana Stewart: AHHHHHHHH!!!! GET THIS THING OFF OF ME! (Melissa appears through the trees, scantily dressed.) Melissa Rivers: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY MAN! (Melissa jumps on to Alana.) Robin Leach: Oh for God's sake! You're gonna get so many ticks off of that thing! Downtown Julie Brown: The ape or Melissa? (The broadcast gets cut off, and the ABC logo appears on the screen.) ABC Announcer: ABC would like to apologize for the trainwreck that was "I'm A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here!". We promise not to show anything this trashy on our network again. Now please stay tuned for another episode of "Are You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People". -Fade Out- Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
