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Mrs. Strom.....Amy Poehler .....Queen Latifah DJ Freaky.....Chris Kattan MC Freaky.....Seth Meyers 75 cent.....Dean Edwards Kelly Clarkson.....Rachel Dratch Justin Guarini.....Jeff Richards [Scene: External shot of Wichita Community College. Cut to internal classroom scene. All but Queen Latifah and Justin Guarini are present. The blackboard reads Hip-Hopology 101.] Mrs. Strom: Alright everyone, now's the moment you've all been waiting for. From the start, I promised that this wouldn't be some lame-butt night class...and it won't be. DJ Freaky: C'mon crackerjack. I got hos to bang yo. Hurry it up! Mrs. Strom: Ha ha, nice work Chris I see you've been studying some hip-hop attitude or what we call...class? DJ Freaky, MC Freaky, 75 cent, Kelly Clarkson: Hip-hopitude! Mrs. Strom: Very good class. As I was about to say, before I got interrupted by that player hater over there (gesturing towards DJ Freaky) heh heh, I have a great guest speaker. You could say she's hip-hop royalty. (opening the classroom door.) Queen Latifah! [enter Queen Latifah.] Queen Latifah: Hello everybody. It's great to be here. MC Freaky: Omigosh! I'm freakin' out over here. DJ Freaky: Keep it together MC Freaky. MC Freaky: (giving him the double thumbs up) Word DJ Freaky. 75 cent: Yo Queenie! Queen Latifah: Hello there. Mrs. Strom: Yes 75 cent. You have a question for our guest speaker? 75 cent: Yeah, like 50 cent is my hero and I was just wondering if you knew him...beotch. Mrs. Strom: Oh yes, 50 cent...actually I knew him when he was still called 'two quarters'. Ah ha ha hah...Anyways, Queen Latifah do you know 50 cent? Queen Latifah: Uh...heh yes well, I've met him. I think he's a great new young talent. 75 cent: I heard that he used to hide crack in his girlfriend's panties. Did he ever hide any crack in your panties? [Queen Latifah laughs and is about to respond when DJ Freaky puts his hand in front of his mouth and leans over towards MC Freaky.] DJ Freaky: (to MCFreaky) By the looks of things, I think her panties are plenty full of crack. Queen Latifah: What did you say? Mrs. Strom: (holding Queen Latifah back) Now now, Queen Latifah...DJ Freaky was just doing what we like to call...class? DJ Freaky, MC Freaky, 75 cent, Kelly Clarkson: Trash talkin'. Mrs. Strom: Very good class. Now if you'll take out your homework, Queen Latifah has agreed to critique it. Hmmmm where should we start. [DJ Freaky is frantically waving his hand around.] Mrs. Strom: I was gonna start with DJ Freaky but he's waving his hand in the air like he just don't care. [DJ Freaky stops waving his hand and looks dissapointed.] Mrs. Strom: On second thought I think it's time to get freakay! DJ Freaky rock the hizzouse! DJ Freaky: Thank you. Me and MC Freaky actually partnered up for this. (MC Freaky gets to his feet) Alright here it goes: [DJ Freaky and MC Freaky read their lines off their respective papers. The next two lines are repeated several times.] MC Freaky: Where my bitches? DJ Freaky: Better give 'em back 'fore I fill ya fulla holes! Mrs. Strom: Great...just great. DJ Freaky: Ummm we weren't quite done. Mrs. Strom: Okay well go on then. [The next two lines are repeated several times.] DJ Freaky: Where'd you go? MC Freaky: Stank. Ho. Mrs. Strom: Very nice. Before I turn it over to Queen Latifia I have to say though...it's skank with a 'k' not a 't'. MC Freaky: Oh dammit...I knew stank didn't sound right. [DJ Freaky rubs MC Freaky's shoulder.] Mrs. Strom: It's a common beginner's mistake. Queen Latifah what did you think? Queen Latifah: Well...I think you guys might have the wrong idea about hip-hop. I mean it's not all guns and bitches and what not. There are a lot of people putting out positive messages in hip-hop music. I mean my music is all about positivity. You don't have to be negative to be cool. How about Will Smith for example. [The class erupts in laughter.] Mrs. Strom: Good one Queenie. You had us going there for a minute. Alright next up...how about you 75 cent? 75 cent: I can't. Mrs. Strom: Oh come now, don't tell me you didn't get your homework done. 75 cent: I did it but...Marky Mark stole it from me! Mrs. Strom: Mark Wahlberg stole your homework? 75 cent: Yeah I was at the gas station and...well I was in hip-hopitude mode and I saw this guy...I swear I thought it was Donny Wahlberg...you know from The New Kids on the Block....so I held up my middle digit and drove off. I had no idea it was actually Mark Wahlberg! The next thing I know Marky Mark is breaking down my door. I was doing my hip hop homework at the time and he just grabbed it and walked off laughing. He also made off with several of my toiletries. Mrs. Strom: Highly dubious Franklin...what do you think Queen? Queen Latifah: I believe him. Everybody knows you don't mess with Marky Mark. He's a straight up badass. Mrs. Strom: Alright then, I guess we'll get to our final student...Kelly. Kelly Clarkson: (gets to feet) Hi Queen Latifah...this is an honor, I think your music is fabulous. Queen Latifah: Why thank you Kelly...say aren't you Kelly Clarkson from American Idol? Kelly Clarkson: Yes. Yes I am. Queen Latifah: Wow, what brings you to a hip hop class? Kelly Clarkson: Well you know, I just wanted to expand my musical horizons...bizatch! Am I saying that right? Mrs. Strom: That was terrific Kelly. Alright, let's hear what you have for us. Kelly Clarkson: Some people wait a lifetime...while I'm out there doing hard time...some people wait forever...cause they ain't got no game to play....for a moment like this... (scratching sounds) slim shady. Mrs. Strom: Fabulous. No offence to the others but she's our best student by far. Queen Latifah: You were great girl...maybe you and me could duo sometime. MC Freaky: (to Kelly Clarkson) Stank. [Mrs. Strom shakes her head.] MC Freaky: Oh no...I meant to say skank. Dammit. [There is a knock on the door. Mrs. Strom opens the door. Justin Guarini is standing there.] Mrs. Strom: Why...aren't you Justin Guarini? Justin Guarini: Yes. Kelly, where have you been? We're supposed to be practicing scenes for our movie. Kelly Clarkson: Dammit Justin, I keep telling you we finished filming two weeks ago. Justin Guarini: That doesn't mean we have to stop practicing. Kelly Clarkson: How did you find me? Justin Guarini: I put a GPS beacon in your shoe. You can't hide from the GPS. Oh and check it out...I got this for you. (taking a smushed flower out of his super tight pants while still standing in the doorway) From Justin to Kelly... Kelly Clarkson: Leave me alone you freak! [DJ Freaky and MC Freaky point to themselves and mouth 'you mean me?'. Kelly Clarkson runs out back door of classroom and slams it shut. Justin Guarini gives chase and runs through classroom like the cop terminator dude from Terminator 2. He runs into door and knocks it down and he keeps on running.] Mrs. Strom: HEY! She hasn't paid the class fee yet...excuse me class I have to mizzle after that bizzle before she skips town. [Mrs. Strom exits the class.] DJ Freaky: (getting to his feet.) Woo hoo. Class dismissed. I'm going home to plizzay a little DOA Beach Volleyballay on my X-bizzox...yo! [Queen Latifah is standing by the front door to the class.] Queen Latifah: After you. DJ Freaky: Alright...thanks...beotch. Heh, just teasing. [As soon as DJ Freaky turns his back to Queen Latifah to open the door, Queen Latifah pushes him and he goes flying into the door head first and is knocked out.] Queen Latifah: Talkin' about crack in my panties. Now you a crack head fo shizzle. 75 cent: Wow...you're tough. May I walk you to your car? Queen Latifah: Why certainly. 75 cent: Great...I'm afraid Marky Mark will be out there. May I also have a ride home? Queen Latifah: Sure. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
