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Saddam Hussein.....Horatio Sanz Sajida.....Maya Rudolph Udai.....Jimmy Fallon Olivia.....Queen Latifah Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Rudi Bahktiar.....Amy Poehler [Scene: Begin with Al-Jazeera Logo.] Announcer: And now back to The Husseins on Al-Jazeera. Announcer: Meet the perfect Iraqi family. [Cut to living room scene. Olivia and Sajida are sitting on couch. Udai walks in.] Olivia: Udai, I wish you'd quit telling people you're Saddam Hussein's son just so you can get into places. You're such a loser. Udai: Shuttup whore. [Olivia takes gun out and shoots Udai in the leg. Udai draws his gun.] Sajida: Enough you two! (standing up) I'm Saddam Hussein's [Cut to intro for show similar to the intro to The Osbournes. Music plays: Crazy, but that's how it goes Millions of people, living as foes Maybe, it's not too late To learn how to love and forget how to hate] [Cut to still with words 'Saddam is Great'. Fade to shot of boxes. Pan across three boxes. Writing on the first reads 'Guns', the next reads 'Berets' and the next reads 'Moustaches'. Cut to shot of Sajida standing at front door.] Sajida: This is like the the eight-hundreth palace we have lived in. When you're being hunted down by agents of the free world you've got to keep on moving. Saddam: (opens door and has a missile in his grasp.) Sajida! Sajida! Sajida: Yes Saddam. Saddam: The camel took a massive dump on the rug! Sajida: I think that was Udai. Saddam: Damn...that kid isn't right. Anyways, I'm going to put this mini-nuke away. Where should I hide it? Sajida: Hide it wherever you want. Saddam: I'm putting it under the bed! [Saddam closes door.] Sajida: Fine by me. (to camera) Hopefully the radiation will be enough to render him impotent...or at least sterilize him. [Cut to still with caption 'Saddam is still great'. Cut to interior of house. Saddam is sitting in front of the TV.] Saddam: I'm stuck on CNN. Oh dammit it's Rudi Bahktiar...she's American AND Iranian. (pauses to look at TV) Damn if she ain't super hot though. Rudi Bahktiar: (from the television) More American forces are on their way to the Persian Gulf. Saddam: (smashing remote) Oh man, c'mon give me a break. Rudi Bahktiar: The now overwhelming force is positioned and ready to strike at any moment in order to disarm Iraq and destroy it's weapons of mass destruction. Saddam: Oh [Enter Udai walking with a limp and using a cane.] Udai: What? Saddam: I can't work the remote man. Udai: That's the missile launch keypad Dad. I think you might of just blown up Kuwait. Saddam: Oh [Saddam puts his arm around Udai and they both laugh. Cut to ext. shot of the palace with some snazzy music playing to indicate some passage of time. Cut to int. kitchen scene with Saddam writing a note.] Saddam: (Writing on paper) Sorry about the misunderstanding. Please accept this token as an expression of my good will towards you and your entire country. Yours Truly, Saddam. Saddam: Sajida! Sajida! [Enter Sajida] Saddam: Hey baby. Can you make sure this gets to George W. for me. [Saddam picks up package of Rold Gold Pretzels and the note.] Sajida: (rolling her eyes) Seriously, if you keep this up he's gonna crack. I mean, I can't believe he's waited this long. Saddam: What are you talking about? Sajida: You phone him up on September 12 and say "Well look on the bright side, at least my plot to kill your father didn't pan out."? Saddam: I was trying to help. Don't blame me if he's Mr. Sensitive. [Saddam gives Sajida a sexy look and then chases her offscreen. Cut to scene with Olivia.] Olivia: My dad is very misunderstood. He's really just a pussycat...a pussycat who will kill his daughter's best friend and anyone else who opposes him. I miss Teraq. [Cut to still caption 'Saddam...how great is this guy!'. Cut to scene with Udai and Saddam.] Udai: I am out of here. Saddam: Where are you going? [Enter Olivia] Olivia: He's going out to rape and pillage again. Udai: (takes out gun) Shuttup whore! [A gunfight ensues between Udai and Olivia. Enter Sajida with an AK-47 assualt rifle.] Sajida: Stop it, the both of you just stop it! Saddam: Listen Udai man, you've got to change your ways. Dammit, what's wrong with you? The drinking, the raping, the murdering, the drugs, the torture, the intimidation...who the hell you think you are...a Kennedy? [Udai takes one more shot at Olivia before exiting scene.] Saddam: (yelling after him) And next time you take a dump on the carpet clean it up! I don't know where we went wrong with him Sajida. Sajida: Relax Saddam, he's only a kid. [Cut to ext. shot of palace. Some snazzy music plays followed by gunfire. Cut to kitchen scene. There is a phone ringing. Saddam approaches cautiously. After a few moments Saddam figures out the cell. Opens it up.] Saddam: Yeeeello? (pause) Hello? Hello? I know it's you man...I can hear you breathing Bush. You want me to waste money on *69 but it's not gonna work you little [Cut to external shot of palace.] Announcer: On the next 'The Husseins'. Yassir Arafat comes to visit. [Cut to internal shot of Yassir Arafat and Saddam.] Yassir Arafat: Saddam. You must comply with the UN's wishes. It is the only way to prevent war. Do you understand? Saddam: (grinning) Yassir! Yassir Arafat: So you agree? Saddam: (still grinning) Yassir Yassir! Yassir Arafat: So you will destroy all your weapons? Saddam: (grinning even more) Yassir! [Yassir Arafat shakes his head and walks away as Saddam cracks up. Cut to ext. shot of palace. Credits roll. 'Executive Producer-Saddam Hussein, Co-Producers Saddam Hussein, Cameras-Saddam Hussein, Assistant to Mr. Hussein-Saddam Hussein, Greatness Co-ordinator-Saddam Hussein.'] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
