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Professor Warren.....Darrell Hammond Constable.....Chris Parnell Helen.....Queen Latifah Steve Warren.....Will Forte Mrs. Oates.....Rachel Dratch [ open on local TV station graphic for late movie presentation ] Announcer: Welcome back to the Late, Late, Really Late Movie presentation of "The Spiral Staircase", starring George Brent, Gordon Oliver and Queen Latifah. [ dissolve to black-and-white movie scene, nighttime, as stodgy Professor Warren enters study where the Constable waits for him; black servant girl Helen, a mute, can be seen clearing the large dining room table behind them. ] Professor Warren: What did you want to see me about, Constable? Constable: Oh. A couple of things, Professor. [ relunctantly ] I hate to bother you at this time of night, but.. I think it's important enough. [ sits ] You know, there's been another murder. Professor Warren: Yes. So I've heard. Constable: What I want to say is, that.. we've traced the murderer to this vicinity. Professor Warren: Are you certain? Constable: Yes. That's why I've come here. That's why I'm asking everyone to be careful. Keep your doors and windows locked tonight. Professor Warren: Well, I'll see that your orders are carried out, Constable. Constable: I'm especially worried about that, uh.. that girl who works for you. Professor Warren: Helen? Constable: Yes. You see.. every one of those girls murdered had something the matter with them.. something wrong. Professor Warren: Ohhh.. you mean, some sort of an affliction? Constable: Yes. There was the crippled woman at the hotel, and the blind girl across town. Now my hunch is, that this murderer - whoever he is, is, uh.. might come after Helen next. Professor Warren: Because she's a mute? [ Helen looks up, mouth agape, worried at the prospect that she might be murdered because of her handicap ] Constable: [ hesitant ] Well.. that.. annnnd, also because she's black. [ Helen looks up again, but this time she has a dirty scowl on her face. She attempts to yell obscenities at the Constable, but can only move her lips silently and therefore pounds her fists on the tabletop. ] Professor Warren: [ chuckling innocently ] Well, Constable, it appears that you've offended Helen a great deal. Constable: [ confused ] Well, she is black, she can't dispute that, can she? I'm only looking out for her best interests. Professor Warren: It's not a problem, Constable. In fact.. [ turns toward Helen ] Helen, please bring the Constable a cup of hot tea before he heads back into the rain. [ Helen mouthes "You're not the boss of me!" to Professsor Warren ] Professor Warren: [ fuming, his moustache crinkling ] You'll do it, or I'll smack your black ass across this room! [ Helen retreats to the kitchen ] Professor Warren: Sorry about that, Constable. I understand exactly what you mean, and I assure you that I shall be especially careful about Helen. As a matter of fact, I'll see to it that somebody is with her at all times. Constable: That's extremely cooperative of you, Professor. Oh, by the way.. how is it that Helen came to be a mute? Professor Warren: Well, according to the new doctor in town, Helen was overcome with a great deal of shock and trauma as a child, when she witnessed the murder of her parents. Constable: [ intrigued ] They weren't murdered by someone in this house, were there? Professor Warren: No, no. Only present-days murderers living in this house. Constable: [ chuckles ] Well, then. With that, I'll bid you farewell. [ turns to exit room, as Helen returns with his hot tea ] Oh, the tea. I'm sorry, Helen, it looks like I won't have time for that tea after all. [ opens door, the sound of falling rain can be heard ] Perhaps we could arrange for a raincheck! [ laughs ] [ Helen, who's not amused at the joke or having wasted her time, develops a dirty scowl on her face, and, without hesitation, throws the burning hot tea into the Constable's face. Shocked by the unexpected liquid attack, the Constable covers his eyes and screams agonizingly; overwhelmed by the shock of the situation, he drops lifelessly to the hardwood floor. ] [ alarmed by the sudden commotion, Professor Warren's debonair brother Steve, and the house caretaker Mrs. Oates, Elsa Lanchester in full "Bride of Frankenstein" do, carrying a bottle of bourbon, enter the front room ] Steve Warren: What's all the noise? Is Helen all right? Professor Warren: She's fine, Steve, but it looks like she's killed the Constable. Mrs. Oates: Good heavens.. [ takes a swig of bourbon to steady her nerves ] Was it self-defense? Professor Warren: No, it wasn't, Mrs. Oates. Apparently, Helen is fed up with having to perform her chore duties around the house, no surprise considering that her life is in great danger. Mrs. Oates: [ puts free arm around Helen ] Well, I hope the killer doesn't come after Helen.. [ Helen wraps her arm around Mrs. Oates ] If Helen gets killed, then who's going to tidy up the house for us? [ takes another swig of bourbon ] [ Helen loosens her grip from Mrs. Oates, and scribbles an obscene note on a pad of paper and hands it over ] Mrs. Oates: What is this, Helen..? [ squinting at the note ] "Fudge You"? Helen, you know I can't read worth a darn when I'm plastered! [ frustrated, Helen picks up an expensive vase sitting on the mantel, and smashes it across Mrs. Oates skull, dropping her now-lifeless body to the floor ] Steve Warren: [ chuckling ] Well, that certainly eliminates Mrs. Oates from the list of murder suspects! Professor Warren: [ fuming ] Then, I suppose that means the killer has to be one of us.. doesn't it.. dear brother? Steve Warren: Hey, don't look at me. I have a reputation around town as a playboy. I might be willing to force Helen into a one-night stand and leave her waiting by the phone with a bastard on board, but I would never leave her for dead on the floor. Professor Warren: [ wincing ] You would have sex with a Negro? That's disgusting! Steve Warren: Come on, it's like having sex with a Greek woman, except you don't get any hair in your teeth. Anyway, you know what they say: "Once you go black, you never go back." Professor Warren: [ stone-faced ] That's the absolute dumbest thing I've ever heard. Where do you get your information? Steve Warren: I, uh.. I read it in a fortune cookie. Professor Warren: [ angry ] Haven't I told you to associate yourself only with courtly American women? You're ruining my secret reputation as a man of vile dispute! Steve Warren: [ confused ] What are you talking about? Professor Warren: I'm the murderer, you idiot! I chose not to stay weak, like you! I'd rather stand superior to the weak population below me, and crush them to oblivion. I'm even a member of an affiliate program run by a Dr. Hitler out of Germany. For every weak-minded individual I destroy - a cripple, blind women, blacks - I get a nickel! Steve Warren: A nickel? You're wasting your time. Professor Warren: Am I? How do you think I was able to purchase this mansion we live in? Steve Warren: [ amazed ] I always thought it had something to do with gambling, but.. murdering minorities? Why not. Where do I sign up? Professor Warren: [ pleased ] Steve, I knew you weren't truly weak. I've never been prouder in my life to call you Brother. [ the hug ] Now, let's kill that mute darkie and begin our revolution against the world. Steve Warren: [ looks away, nervously ] You know what? She's mute, but she's not deaf. Professor Warren: So what? She can't talk, so she can't scream for help or give us away. She- [ finally looks over to see what Steve meant ] Oh.. I see what you mean.. [ cut to Helen standing across the room, her hands clamped tight on a pistol aimed at the Warren Brothers. She fires two shots. ] [ cut to the Warrens clutching their chests where they're hit, panting in agony at the unexpected turn of events. They fall into each other's arms, then drop to the floor. ] [ Helen drops the gun to the ground, stands in the middle of the room full of dead bodies ] Helen: [ clears her throat, now able to speak in a mutter for the first time ] Hell no, I ain't deaf. And I ain't no mute, either! I'm just a smart nigger in a roomful of dead, dumb white people, who knows when to keep her mouth closed! No more killer, and I got me a free mansion, that's what I just got. [ pulls a joint out of her pocket and lights up, as she picks up crank phone on the wall and dials out ] Hey, dog. Guess what? How'd you like to convert a three-story mansion into a fancy-ass recording studio? It even got a spiral staircase to the basement. [ a pause ] What do you mean you don't know who this is? [ dramatic pause ] It's I.. Helen. Helen! H-E-L- Hey, you were supposed to call me, mutherfu- [ music sweep cuts off Helen's speech, as we slow dissolve to "The End" graphic, and fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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