|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. President George ‘Dubya’ Bush held a Prime-time news conference on Thursday night that turned into a message to America about the conflict with Iraq. After his brief address to America, Bush answered several questions from various news personalities. After watching his address, we here at Weekend Update have concluded that President Bush is a ‘Not Ready For Prime Time Player’! As many people that have been following the recent news know, CIA agents and Pakistani police arrested al-Qaida operations chief Khalid Shaikh Mohammed this week. What many people don’t know is that this was not the first arrest in the search for this man. Last week, the FBI arrested a man with similar body features, but it turned out it was just porn star Ron Jeremy filming in Pakistan. The FBI noticed they had made the wrong bust when they saw Jeremy’s member and realized that it was way too big to be Mohammed. Jimmy Fallon: On Saturday, Turkey dealt a major blow to United States military plans when its legislature refused to allow the United States to use its bases for an attack upon Iraq. President Bush had offered up to $30 million in grants as well as protection from retaliation in exchange for use of the military bases. Turkey rejected the deal, instead opting for what was behind door number two – a big screen Zenith TV complete with DirecTV, a microwave, and a bitchin’ keg-arator. Jimmy Fallon: And now here with a personal comment is Tina Fey! Tina Fey: Okay, last Friday, President Bush appointed a new U.S. ambassador to Guyana. Personally, I don’t care! I wanna know when we’re going to war! My army fatigues are getting dusty! Damn it Dubya, quit stalling you sonabitch! I have been watching nothing but Wolf Blitzer and Norman Schwarzkopf for the last week and a half. I’ve been beating off to the Saddam’s headquarters diagrams on CNN. I wanna go to war! Here is a good idea. Put me in a solitaire-confined room with nothing but archive Arthur Kent tapes from 1991. Leave me in there until I can claw my way out and drop me in Iraq so I can kick the living hell out of Saddam Hussein! Of course, on a personal note, it could just be my time of the month. Jimmy? Jimmy Fallon: This has been a personal comment by Tina Fey! A bit of a scare occurred for Secretary of State Colin Powell on Thursday in his New York City hotel room. It seems Powell was ordering a porno on spectro-vision and a George Dubya/Saddam Hussein gay porn film started playing. Security was restored when Powell was able to order the correct film, which featured the Bush daughters going at it. Oh, yeah! Tina Fey: A New Zealand woman said on Wednesday that she is willing to be crucified by President Bush, who would have to personally hammer the nails, if he promises not to attack Iraq. Bush refused the offer, but, in the spirit of compromise, former President Clinton said he'd be happy to nail the woman instead. A top Iraqi opposition leader said on Thursday, he expects a new Iraqi leader to be installed in Iraq, replacing Saddam Hussein, immediately after U.S. troops gain a foothold on the Iraqi territory. George W. Bush commented, “Yes, that is my plan. How does this sound – Iraqi leader Jeb Bush?” Jimmy Fallon: In other news, Great White’s catalogue of albums have been burnin' up the charts due to the recent publicity relating to the Rhode Island tragedy. Their 1989 album Once Bitten featuring their top 10 80s hit Once Bitten Twice Shy sold over 100,000 copies last week alone. (A hand appears to the left of Jimmy and hands him a piece of paper urgently.) Jimmy Fallon: This just in. A fire has broken out in Abilene Texas at a Vanilla Ice show. (beat) Tina Fey: Man, somebody needs to put that guy on ice. (sirens go off and red lights flash. Suddenly, Horatio appears dressed as a nun with a paddle. The words BAD JOKE OF THE WEEK! flash on the screen as Horatio bends Tina over and spanks her.) (The excitement dies down and Tina settles back into her chair looking unhappy. Jimmy notices.) Jimmy Fallon: You like it when I do it. Tina Fey: In your dreams, Fallon. Tracey's the only one that slaps this head writer's ass. Jimmy Fallon: In recent sports news, High School Basketball phenomenon LeBron James’ mother bought her son a hummer for his 18th birthday. It’s reported that James’ mother took out a $60,000 loan at her local bank to purchase the hummer. That’s long way for a mother to go just to get her son a blowjob. With the Celtics acquiring Blount, and the Nuggets trading Bryant for Williams, Thursday’s NBA trade deadline passed rather quietly. Unlike Della Reese’s farts. Tina Fey: Vanity Fair is reporting that Michael Jackson once paid $150,000 for a voodoo curse on Steven Spielberg despite being in debt. Reportedly the witch doctor promised Jackson that Spielberg, David Geffen and 23 others on Jackson’s enemies list would die if Jackson underwent a ritualistic “blood bath. Jackson denies the allegations, but does concede he visited a witch doctor, who told him his enemies would die only if Jackson slept in a big bed with numerous underage children. Jimmy Fallon: A magnitude-5.4 earthquake shook a wide swath of Southern California on Saturday morning, jarring residents awake, rattling buildings as far away as downtown Los Angeles and pulling more gay people out of bed than “queer tv.” Tina Fey: Hooters Air joined the growing ranks of low-cost airlines Thursday with the start of scheduled service flights. Stereotypically, the pilot will say for the passengers to fasten their seat beats and make sure their seats and tray tables are in their upright position. As an added twist, the pilot will then say to the stewardess and/or waitresses to fasten their bra straps and make sure their nipples are in their upright position. Jimmy Fallon: And now here with a political commentary is Nathan Alcott. Nathan Alcott: Hello, thank you Jimmy, Tina. Tonight, I wanted to make a political statement about the United States and it’s war enemies. North Korea...what does anybody know about them? Nothing, America doesn’t really care about them. Bush’s advisors do! What America does know about North Korea is that it’s above South Korea. Duh! North Korea is like that guy that starts dating your sister, but you know that he has slept with some really trashy girls that even you would sleep with. That’s what this is like! You want to step in but you know might need to roll your sleeves up and get tough. The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il, is a real interesting figure. Kim Jong Il loves American rock music and wears Bono glasses 2 years late. He apparently likes America’s culture more than his own. With a name like Kim Jong Il, he sounds as if he should be a Korean rapper. “Yo, Yo, Yo! Kim Jong Il in the hizzy-hizzy nizzy hizzy!” He starts hanging out with Flava Flav. Not to be outdone, Saddam Hussein has shown a lot of interest in American culture. He thinks that “The Sopranos” is just a plate of spaghetti and “Joe Millionaire” is just a bunch of whores baiting for the love of a shaved ape. Saddam is grinning like a bastard, trust me. And where is Osama bin Laden during all of this? Licking Dubya’s asshole, that’s where! That’s just my point of view. Thank you and good night! Jimmy Fallon: Nathan Alcott, everyone! In the world of adult entertainment, Playboy is looking for the "Women of Starbucks," babes who serve steamed lattes at the local Starbucks, for a layout in an upcoming issue. The magazined stated that the concept was inspired by the popular “Girls of Hooters” series. In related news, Penthouse is working on a similar layout titled “Strap-On Anal Lesbians of Starbucks.” Tina Fey: Madonna, best known for her risque music videos, and author of the controversial book entitled “Sex” has announced she will begin writing children’s books. She will release the first of six children’s books in September through Penguin Publising. Among the titles are: “Horny Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone,” “Horton Hears a Ho”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Whore.” Sources say Penguin Publishing will also be releasing a three part gardening series with the titles “Flower Fun, A Tulip a Day Keeps the Doctor Away, and Silly Lillies” authored by gardening enthusiast Saddam Hussein. Jimmy Fallon: "My Big Fat Greek Life," a television show based on the hit movie, premiered last week on CBS. It follows the story of Nia, a Greek woman, as she adapts to life with her newlywed husband. If the show fails, however, expect the producers to spice it up, by having her husband leave her. This will pave the way for next year's sequel installment, "My Big Fat Greek Dildo." Jimmy Fallon: Tony-winning Broadway musical "Urinetown," set in a post-apocalyptic world whose population must pay to urinate, is coming to the big screen. Tina Fey: It’s about time. Jimmy Fallon: Oh, you’re excited about Urinetown, Tina? Tina Fey: Sure thing Jimmy, there’s nothing better than full-frontal urination. Just give me a super duper sized Moutain Dew and I'm in heaven. Jimmy Fallon: Yes. It seems Hollywood has read the minds of America once again. First Crocodile Dundee Part III, and now Urinetown. Tina Fey: In related news, Dreamworks has thrown their hat into the arena with their own project in development that is sure to out splash Mirimax’s Urinetown. The title – FecesTown– set in the post apocalyptic world whose population must pay to defecate. Now that’s high concept. Jimmy Fallon: Maybe they should call it Defecation Station. Catchier. A German artist has applied for a license to open a brothel in Berlin for sexually frustrated dogs, saying it will be the first of its kind anywhere. Dog owners will be charged $27 per half hour of happiness for their canine companion, which will include rooms for private encounters and even a bar where customers can sniff out their preferred partners. A brothel for dogs. Great, like they don't have enough places to bury their bones. Tina Fey: Finally tonight, as many viewers know about the current situation of late night host David Letterman and for those of you who don’t know the situation, here is a prepackaged review. About two weeks ago Letterman began to suffer from an eye infection. It is reported that Dave will be back on the air on Monday, the 10th. We here at Weekend Update were able to establish contact with Dave via phone. So now live from his home in Connecticut is the host of the Late Show, David Letterman! (SUPER: Live via phone – David Letterman) David Letterman: I just love this program! Just a terrific job over there on NBC! (Dave laughs) Tina Fey: Thank you! David Letterman: Hey Jimmy, let me ask you a question – a bold question if I could...why aren’t you screwin’ that Tina babe? It would make for some real good on screen stuff. Tina Fey: Dave, who’s conducting the interview here? David Letterman: Jimmy – come on, it’s Dave here! Come on! Tina’s like a carpenter’s wet dream – ‘flat as a board, easy to nail’! Jimmy Fallon: Dave, you seem to be in higher spirits. (Dave laughs) Umm…Dave, are you ready to get back to work? David Letterman: Oh, yeah you bet ya! It’s that right, Paul? Paul Shaffer: Oh, yeah, yeah, right! Tina, you’re ugly! (Dave & Paul chuckle) Tina Fey: This interview is over! Jimmy Fallon: Thanks guys! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
