|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PBS Announcer...Chris Parnell Elise...Queen Latifah Steve...Seth Meyers Jessica...Maya Rudolph Chris.....Chris Kattan INT. PBS CALL CENTER A single PBS ANNOUNCER stands alone in front of the camera, with two rows of bored looking telephone operators behind him. PBS Announcer: We'll get back to 'Zoom' in just a second, but first, we need your generous donations to keep this wonderful program on the air. There is a new season upon us and we here at PBS need over $2,000 dollars to renew. Let's check our current donated amount! He reaches off camera and grabs an envelope. His face goes from enthusiastic to disgusted upon reading the contents. PBS Announcer: Well, we're about $1,995 short but....hell, enjoy your last look at 'Zoom' here on PBS. An explicit is bleeped off camera before feed switches to 'Zoom' INT. 'ZOOM' SET A colorful set is revealed with large block letters in the background spelling out 'Zoom'. Two children enter--STEVE and JESSICA. STEVE wears a red shirt with 'Zoom' on the front with blue jeans and has black hair. JESSICA has brown hair and the same attire, save for a blue shirt. Steve: "Now its time for a special segment on Zoom!" Jessica: "That's right, Steve. We are going to introduce our new member. She is Zoomtastic!" ELISE enters with a white 'Zoom' shirt and hair tied back. She speaks with a slight French accent. Elise: "Bonjour!" Steve: "Hello." Jessica: "Welcome." Steve: "Now, Elise, tells us where your from." Elise: "Why from Paris, of course." Jessica: "Great! As your first act as a new 'Zoom' member, why don't you announce the next segment?" Elise: "Sure. This next segment is a short cartoon produced by George W. Smith of Washington D.C." A semi-crude cartoon is shown with a outline of France. It then zooms out and highlights Iraq. The surrounding countries fade out leaving only France and Iraq. Soon a giant heart appears between the two, but before the shot is completed, the film is cut short. Steve: "Okay! Let's move on.." Elise: "Um...excuse-moi? What was just shown on the video screen?" JESSICA scratches her head and looks at STEVE. He looks back. Jessica: "It...was...a...tribute to France. Yes..that's it!" Steve: "Boy, George W. Smith sure is talented! Best tribute I have ever seen." Scene inexplicably cuts to a black background with 'Zoom' spelled out in red. After some sound effects, we see a smiling CHRIS holding a piece of paper in his hands and a nervous ELISE standing beside him. Chris: "Here's a great joke sent in to us from T. Blair in London, England!" (Turns towards ELISE) "Hey Elise, how many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?" ELISE gestures her head up towards the ceiling as if she is counting. Elise: "I am not sure of our exact army numbers." Chris: (barely containing himself) "No one knows since it's never been tried." ELISE crosses her arms across her chest and appears angry. Chris: "Hoohoo, tanks T. Blair for that hilarious joke. Kids, try this one at school!" Elise: (disgusted) "What a joke!" Chris: "There we go, she likes it! To send more jokes like this, send an letter to, 'Zoom' PO Box..." CHRIS is cut off by STEVE and JESSICA who have sprinted from the other set Jessica: "Don't give out that address!" Chris: (confused and shocked) "Why not?" Jessica: "New rules." Chris: "So we have to read more 'chicken crossed the road' jokes?" Steve: "Well, not exactly.." Chris: "Alright, What's going on? Do you know, Elise?" ELISE is still upset. Chris: "I guess that's a no." Jessica: "Fine, Chris." She leans in to whisper the situation. Chris: "Ohhh...wow. Hmm, nice to finally get some information around here." Steve: "Word came down pretty quick once PBS learned that people were wanting their donated money back." Elise: "I cannot believe how my home country is represented on public access television." Chris: (speaking proudly) "Well, its not some two-bit local public access. This is PBS." Elise: "Is this what is normal in the media?" Jessica: "I guess so. We don't see much news as we tape about four months worth of shows in a week." Steve: "Hmm..why were you hired anyway?" ELISE looks to recall. Elise: "Men in black suits found me at my school two weeks ago and took me to the TV studio in Boston." CHRIS snaps his fingers. Chris: "Didn't this happen to that kid on here in 1991? Abdul or something?" Jessica: "I wouldn't know since I was only in elementary school." Steve: "Some of us haven't been on the show for twelve years." CHRIS hangs his head while ELISE lets out a small giggle. He jerks his head up and stares at her. Elise: "No, no, silly. I'm not laughing at you. I think I just figured everything out. Since I am a foreign exchange student, I can only imagine my American replacement is receiving the same treatment." Chris: "France has a 'Zoom' show? Impossible!" Elise: "Oh yes, but it has nudity and the American jokes would probably be what you here call, R-rated?" BEAT STEVE, JESSICA, and CHRIS look puzzled at each other. ELISE smiles proudly. The scene abruptly cuts away again, but back to the PBS ANNOUNCER. INT. PBS CALL CENTER Telephone operators are busily handling calls. The PBS ANNOUNCER looks disheveled. PBS Announcer: "Despite the lively arguments of PBS executives, it is my..sad duty to bring you the word that 'Zoom', yes 'Zoom' has been canceled. We'd like to thank all who donated enough money for three seasons of the French 'Zoom. We must move on. Next hour, a special presentation of the Chinese version of 'Red Dwarf.' Please stay tuned to PBS." Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
