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Butler.....Darrell Hammond Tony Blair.....Jeff Richards President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell SCENE BEGINS OUTSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET BRITISH ANTI WAR PROTESTERS ARE SHOUTING THEIR SLOGANS TOWARDS THE PRIME MINISTERS DOOR LONDON POLICE IN BOBBY HATS COME TO BREAK UP THE CROWD SHOUTING TO THE CROWD TO MOVE ALONG THE CAMERA PANS IN TOWARDS THE DOOR OF 10 DOWNING AND THEN SWITCHES TO AN INTERIOR SHOT A THE MAIN OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTERS RESIDENCE A BUTLER WALKS IN THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A TEA SERVICE INTENDED FOR BLAIR THE BUTLER LOOKS CONFUSED FOR A SECOND UNTIL HE FINDS BLAIR COWARDING UNDER HIS DESK Butler: (British accent) Sir. You can come out now. All the BAD people are gone. TONY BLAIR APPEARS FROM UNDERNEATH HIS DESK SHAKING NERVOUSLY Tony Blair: (nervously) They're all gone? Are you sure? Butler: Yes sir. But they WILL be back. TONY BLAIR DUCKS HIS HEAD BACK UNDERNEATH THE DESK LIKE A SCARED RABBIT Butler: (disgusted) Sir, please come out from your hiding. I brought you your tea as you requested. TONY BLAIR FINALLY CLIMBS FROM OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HIS DESK AND NERVOUSLY SITS IN HIS CHAIR Tony Blair: Thank you, Lloyd. Maybe the caffeine in this tea will calm my nerves. TONY BLAIR SHAKES THE TEA CUP ALL THE WAY TO HIS LIPS SPILLING MOST OF TEA ON HIMSELF. HE THEN NODS TO THE BUTLER TO POUR HIM ANOTHER CUP THE BUTLER POURS ANOTHER CUP Butler: (sarcastically) Is there something wrong sir? Tony Blair: (nervously) Yes there is Lloyd. It seems as if the entire country is turning against me. And it's all because I'm in alliance with Bush. People are looking at me with total disgust. There looking at me like I'm... like I'm... Butler: (sarcastically) ...a spineless wimp with no yarbels, sir. Tony Blair: Yes Lloyd, how would they ever get that kind of idea? Butler: (sarcastically) I have no idea. Would you care to take a look at today's paper? Tony Blair: (nervous) Yes, please. THE BUTLER HANDS TONY A COPY OF THE LONDON TIMES. TONY LOOKS AT THE BUTLER AS IF HE DID SOMETHING WRONG Tony Blair: (angry) You know better than that. Give we the real newspaper. Butler: Sorry, sir. THE BUTLER GRABS BACK THE COPY OF THE TIMES AND HANDS TONY A COPY OF THE LONDON TABLOID NEWSPAPER THE SUN, THE COVER READS "WHY THE PRIME MINISTER MUST BE REMOVED WRITTEN BY BENJAMIN HILL" Tony Blair: Thank you. (reading to himself) Oh my goodness! Butler: What is it sir? Tony Blair: The Sun is not only reporting that I'm a spineless wimp but it's also reporting that I'm the one that broke up the Spice Girls. Butler: That's preposterous sir. Preposterous. We all know it was Ginger. Tony Blair: It doesn't matter Lloyd. I'm getting beaten to death in the papers, my own party is turning against me, and I look less manly than Margaret Thatcher. What am I going to do Lloyd? Butler: I don't know sir. Why don't you call your pimp...ahem...friend George W Bush? He may have the answers you're looking for. Tony Blair: That's a good idea. Thank you, Lloyd. You may leave now. THE BUTLER LEAVES OUT THE SIDE DOOR AS TONY BLAIR PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS FOR PRESIDENT BUSH THE SHOT SPLIT SCREENS BETWEEN 10 DOWNING AND THE WHITE HOUSE THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING AT THE WHITE HOUSE BUSH IS SEEN IN FRONT OF A MAP OF BAGHDAD HUNG ON THE WALL BUSH IS PLACING CORPORATE LOGOS ON THE MAP President George W. Bush: Okay, the Burger King goes here and the KFC goes here... (hearing the phone) Damn phone. BUSH WALKS OVER TO PICK UP THE PHONE President George W. Bush: (screaming to offstage) Condee! Get with the people from Starbuck's. I want to be drinking lattes in Baghdad by May, you got it? (picks up phone) Hello? Leader of the free world speaking. Tony Blair: Hello, George it's me Tony Blair. President George W. Bush: Well, hello Tony. How's my personal bitch...ahem...best friend holding up. Tony Blair: Not so well George. I'm having second thoughts about the war. President George W. Bush: Well Tony thats a shame. Wow, I never thought Britian would break a debt to us. Tony Blair: What debt? What are you talking about? President George W. Bush: Well Tony do you remember a little thing called WWII? Tony Blair: (shocked) You can't be serious? President George W. Bush: Dead serious. It's time to pay the late fees Tony. It's been almost sixty years if my math don't fail me. Tony Blair: Look, we both know that Iraq is a threat but... President George W. Bush: (angry) Now you listen here, Ringo! We helped you-you help us. We helped save your country from a homocidal maniac and now its your country's turn to help me save my second term. You better not be going soft on me, Tony. Don't make me stick my foot up your ass to give you a spine. Tony Blair: (sheepishly) Sorry, George. President George W. Bush: I don't believe you, Tony. Tony Blair: I mean it. President George W. Bush: I still don't believe your on my side. Make me believe you. Tony Blair: What? What can I do to prove I'm on your side? President George W. Bush: I'll tell you what you can do. CUT TO WEMBLEY STADIUM DURING THE MIDDLE OF A FOOTBALL MATCH TV CAMERA FEED TONY BLAIR JUMPS THE FENCE AND STREAKS ON TO THE FIELD NAKED JUST LIKE IN THE NIKE SHOXS ADS SECURITY CHASING AFTER HIM Announcer: (off camera) ...and he's off like a bull with gas. ...And it looks like he's trying to say something. Tony Blair: (running looking into handheld camera) Are you happy now George? Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! END SCENE Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
